I’m not active much here lately, but for some reason, tumblr still seems to be my go to when I need to express my feelings .

My emotions seems to be more bottled up lately. So much fear , anxiety , sadness . Friends are dealing with tragedies , personal family stresses , the fear of losing a parent in my 30’s life both my parents did. Time seeming to go faster and faster as you age , a blink of an eye and it’s already August. It seems to make me more depressed . A partner who seems to always think about themselves in everything even if they think they’re “helping “ or “thinking of me” . Selfishness.

“I’m scared of my mum dying from heart surgery and I need to talk about it. I have a lot of responsibilities I’m about to take in and it’s overwhelming”

- “it’ll be fine don’t think about it so much”

- “this seems too depressing to talk about right now babe , let’s talk about something else “

-conversation just gets changed entirely

-no response at all

-“Atleast both your parents aren’t dead like mine “

I feel guilty talking to my two best friends about it while they’re battling cancer or child loss . I know I shouldn’t feel guilty , I know they’d listen. I just feel bad bumming them out more when they have their own problems .

I feel like I can’t even talk to my own sister, she’s so busy with a kid now . When I don’t get responses , I just feel like I’m bothering her .

I knew I was ready for bigger things in my art career, I also knew that I needed to leave soon because dedication to one job for so long can’t always justify that you have experience outside of said career when applying. That was one of the big struggles , I KNOW I have more experience than it looks, but sometimes the eye of the beholder doesn’t see it. 

The other problem was the fact my experience brought animosity. My job got an owner 2 years ago. I think sometimes that feels threatening, which is understandable, but my heart and dedication was FOR this job and its concept. I was really looking forwards to new ownership and a new chapter because I knew there were so many things that needed to be fixed or happen to make us better! Finally someone will listen to my ideas more ! but obviously that was just a honeymoon phase. Long story short, the owner bit more than she could chew, obvoiusly used the business to create her actual “dream” job/business, and put us to the side.....causing me to become even more of a black sheep. The manager gaslighted me and it made me start to second guess things. That never happened before since I always felt confident on what I was doing and that I was making the right decisions. All these poor choices they made caused so many issues, I felt like I was in a nightmare, I felt like Elanor from “the good place” yelling at everyone that WE’RE IN THE BAD PLACE and no one wanted to listen and continue the madness. It literally became a toxic work environment, it felt like I was in an abusive relationship, I even had friends and family telling me I need to leave. The final straw was when I was severely accused ,got  questioned on my workmanship, and overall just “taking her anger” out on me. How did 7 years of hard work, dedication, literal blood, sweat, tears all end for nothing? 

This sucks. I think They were going to let me go at some point. I feel like a failure. My mental health has been beaten and berated. I’m so depressed, it’s hard to get up in the morning.... I barely can. The job I had lined up has ghosted me, and COVID doesn’t obviously help the situation. I’m at a loss. I’m trying to just freelance and get myself back on my feet, but it’s so hard.