hi

well hello.. the last time i updated was in september of 2025. i got into dental hygiene school. i did it. after 3 years of working my ass off.. i did it. my dreams are finally going to come true. i can't believe i will finally achieve my dreams. thank you God for this opportunity. i still can't believe it tbh. i have orientation next week for school. im excited. i can't believe it. everything works out in God's timing. thank you!

it has been two years since i posted. so weird. not much has changed. i am still studying. i genuinely don't know why its so hard to get a 90+ on this exam. i feel behind. but behind who? like genuinely? smh. i know one day i will look back and be like "you were worried for no reason," i just wish that time was now lol.

i have been traveling though. i have went to florida twice this year, mexico, california, the beach, and we are planning another trip to california soon. i am happy about that.

i have just been working, studying, and just trying to keep a positive mindset. just trying to be thankful that i get to live another day because there are people who unfortunately don't. that is all from me. i hope for better days.

not much has changed. still living. i graduate soon. i have to wait another year to apply for dental hygiene school. i did not pass my teas. i have lost 25 pounds though. feels pretty good. trying to get ahead of school work, so i can just relax for a little. i start da school soon. not much going on. bye.

i dont know why im here. sometimes living can be so draining, and i just want to feel free for once. i feel like i am stuck in this cycle of waking up early and doing nothing productive for myself. i spend hours on social media, and i dont put other things like academics first. im mentally drained by school, and i want to get it over with. people always comment on how smart i am, but i feel like im not. i get good grades, but nothing is ever enough for me. i complain and complain and complain but i dont make a change. i wish i could see myself the way others see me. people see me as pretty, smart, and loving. but i see myself as ugly, stupid, and negative towards everything. one day i will be content with myself. 

hopefully i start writing every day again

Sometimes I don’t know what I am doing in my life. Frank Ocean helps a lot. I constantly listen to his music, and I never get tired of it. I wish I was into listening to a variety of music, but I feel safe just listening to his music. I feel like im struggling mentally, but I am not sure. I just get these urges of feeling ‘blank’. I am ready to graduate and begin my career. I want my dreams to come true, and I just want to be able to have my dream car, and pool. That it what I need to fulfill my life. Maybe travel, maybe kids.. but not anytime soon. I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed. I was playing games with Sam and his community, and it was so fun. I was laughing so hard, and it was 2 am. Obviously Angel makes me super happy, but I feel bad because I suck at communicating. He deserves someone who talks to him, and I want to be that person. Why do I suck at talking to him? I just like the quiet. He is my best friend. I try to talk, I need to try harder.

Still have not said what I was going to do.. But im here today.. today was a pretty good day.. i guess. if you count the point where me and my boyfriend almost broke up. for some reason i cant seem to get over things that are going on in my life, and i take it out on him. he got to the point where he was tired and left. i told myself.. i can live without him,  but deep down i really cant. its extremely hard to express my emotions and i just take out all my anger on him. i cant do it without him. i need his huges, his kisses. everything. we went to the gym, but no kiss.. nothing. it felt off. at that point i wanted to break up, but when we did.. i didnt want to. i realized i want to be with him, but its so hard being happy with myself. i want all these things, but i am not doing anything to get me there. i cant stop binge eating, and idk what its going to take for me to lose weight. im happy were together and okay now. im just chilling contemplating on doing this bio work. i want to be happy with myself, but it seems to be only if i lose the weight.. which is sad, but i want too.. but the thing is.. it is difficult.. i will update hopefully tomorrow. 

forgot to do a yesterdays update, but i have to write a history on opioids and ugh.. why cant i just do it? i am so ready for english to be over. i was like hmmm maybe i enjoy english, but lowkey i am ready to never do it again. hopefully i will finish off with an A, i mean i hope so. i am so hard on myself when it comes to grades. i just think i am perfect and can get all A’s, but i know next semester it will practically be impossible. anyways, idk how i am feeling. have not eaten any fast food, so that is good. i am trying to lose weight, but it is so hard. i just love eating. i saw a video today on a woman in medical school, and i hope i can make it. what if i am not meant to be in the medical field.. can anyone do it? am i not capable? i hate it here sometimes. i feel like i am a failure, but this is my only second year in college. i hope one day i will be extremely happy and not be dissapointed in myself all the time. it is because i judge myself solely based off my grades. if i dont have perfect A’s i believe i am a failure. i need to take that mindset out of my head. anyways, will update later.

it has been fourteen days since i said i was going to start talking about what i did in a day.. still failing. i almost drank a gallon of water today, and OH YEAH.. I GOT MY NOSE PIERCED LIKE TWO DAYS AGO.. with my best friend (val). mine did not hurt at all. i just have to constantly clean it. anyways, today i skipped class because we are in a week break. finally, i can get some rest. today i went with my boyfriend to the thrift and he got himself a cabinet. then w went to target, and then i dropped him off. i went back home, and ate some eggs. i think i binge ate today. i was with my mom for some time and then my little brother came back home, and hung out with him. today was a pretty chill day, i finally found my air pods, so that is a good thing. my throat is aching right now. 

over all: chill day

Said I was going to start writing every day, and I already failed. Hey, but it is ok. I hope whoever reads this knows I am not trying on my grammar that well because I am just spilling my emotions. Anyways, yesterday I went to the gym and ate pretty good. My boyfriend’s mom was so sweet to make us dinner, but in a healthy way. She brought me the food and I sat there and watched my favorite streamer. Honestly his streams make me so happy and calms me down. I am glad I found his streams because his community is so positive. I still have a ton of work to do, so I will update whoever reads this later on throughout the day. It feels so good to type out my feelings instead of writing them.