Someone asked on reddit: "What is your biggest Fanfic Ick when you're reading?" and I saw a lot of other similar posts asking similar questions... I actually have a couple, but I'm specifically going to rant about my big one.
Children speaking either like full-grown adults or like they're much much younger than they are meant to be.
I was HORRIBLE about this for years, mainly because I wasn't around many kids younger than me (baby of the family). But now, as an adult who has been around children more? Omg. No. Please.
I've also taken some Early Childhood Development (ECD) courses since then, and I excelled in AP Psychology as a teenager- so I might not be an expert but I know the basics now. Honestly? If people who write children just take 5 (five) minutes to read up on the basic ECD milestones for speaking it would correct the issue completely I swear...
Most children start talking younger than you think! They babble and form basic monosyllabic or bisyllabic words by 1 year. (mama, Dada, baba, wawa, up, no, etc) [side note: I personally was talking in full sentences by 18 mo, but I am an outlier the size of Spiders George and should not be counted. I am hyperlexic, this post is about "standard" kids]
By 1.5 (18m) your baby should at least be speaking in basic monosyllabic and bisyllabic words and they'll still babble but usually with more purpose. What would be incoherent might start to sound more like they're attempting sentences. (EG: "Mama, I hab wawa? [Mama, I have Water?]") Technically babbling stage sentences, but they can be more or less easy to understand based on other factors. It is CRUCIAL to speak to your baby at this point especially, and even more important if you're attempting to teach the baby more than one language. Don't use baby voice- actually speak to them. Otherwise, they *will not* learn to say real words in time for school.
By 2 your baby is speaking in sentences! Maybe not always super clearly, but this is a good time in their life to begin introducing them to enunciation and basic language skills. (my examples here: "Mama, I need water, please." "Mama.. Need wawa, pease?" and then you repeat the sentence so they can try to copy your enunciation.) At this point, don't be too strict or you might unintentionally make them *stop* talking. Encourage them to pronounce/enunciate things correctly instead, and praise when they do well.
By 3, they should have a decent grasp on the language basics and should be speaking in full sentences at least mostly. They might still mispronounce things or not fully enunciate correctly. But they have the basics down and are ready to start getting hooked on phonics! (Idealistically, it's even better if you've been showing them educational content the entire time- with minimal screen usage. But like. I've seen Gen Alpha kids and I have Gen Beta cousins and nibblings. I'm not stupid. It's ALL screens. If you want your Gen Beta kid to do better than the Gen Alpha kids have been doing? GET BABY BOOKS. USE THEM. READ TO YOUR KIDS. This is why so many high school students are illiterate! It's because they weren't exposed to literature or basic phonics until they were fucking 6!)
Ahem. By 4, I was reading unassisted both out loud and silently. But normal children should be learning letters and numbers and how to count to 10. Your normal 4 year old should be capable of sounding out small words and should be able to spell their name and your name. I'm serious. First thing you need to teach your kid to read/write unassisted is their own name and your name. Before they start pre-K. If your kid ever gets hurt, or you get hurt? They need to know their name, and yours. It's not that difficult to teach your kid not to call you your first name- but it's hard to find them if they get lost and have no idea who they are or who they're looking for aside from "mama/dada/ren".
By 5, we have reached Pre-K! (or Kinder depending where you are ig). They should be speaking in full, mostly correct, sentences. There is no more "wawa" instead of water. They may still be saying "wah-duh" but they should be beyond "wawa". They should be able to say "Drink" and not "dink" (again, it may be a little more "dwink" but that's normal. If they know the word and can reliably say it and be understood fine? They're doing ok. If they have a speech impediment you're about to find out from their teachers or doctors so don't worry about it yet- or just bring it up yourself and ask them if they believe there's an impediment).
I repeat, because this is the age I see get the "baby talk" treatment the most, your 5 year old character should be capable of speaking in full sentences. FIVE YEAR OLDS ARE NOT 3.
By 6, we start to see a grasp on basic Grammar and spelling ideas- this is the age where some of those rules don't make sense, or are contrary to one another (like the "I before E except after C; unless your Foreign Science-teacher Neighbor, Keith, Receives Eight Weird Counterfeit Weightlifting books in the mail- sent by Feisty Caffeinated Beige aliens" rule... Or the dozen different ones about commas, and which commas are which, and why the fuck we have multiple different types of THE EXACT SAME CHARACTER- All of which go in literally the same place but slightly differently and for different reasons).
Yeah. Age 6 is wild, man. And the way 6 year olds talk? It reflects. This is the age of "Why is fart spelled like a smell?" and "Ren? How did I go in your tummy when I was a baby me?" and the ever-present "I runned-ed really fast!"... They know what the rules are, but they don't actually know how they *work*.
7, and we have reached a great age for conversation! 7 year olds can speak pretty clearly, and while they may still say things like "I runned" instead of "I ran", they do it a lot less... And usually not quite that obviously. This is the age where correcting their grammar/spelling/enunciation is going to be really important! We want to encourage them to come to us with words they can't pronounce in books, or ask how to spell random words that they hear in media/life, and we have to be kind about correcting errors. 7 year olds are soft and sensitive and a little bit whiney. They're still small enough to cry over a skinned knee, and ask for fit-it kisses, and they won't be this small ever again. Yes, the 9000000000 questions a day will get exhausting and annoying and "omgpleaseshutuppleasepleasejustgofindathesaurusandstopaskingme" but then we start to really see the fruits of our labour.
8 years old! They can read, they can write, and they can do basic addition and subtraction - maybe even a little multiplication and division depending on the school/home educational resources. They are finally old enough to be introduced to long multi-chapter books (as in, more than 15-20 chapters) for solo reading! Honestly, I was reading multi-chapter books LONG before 8. But I was also a very hyperlexic child, and a kid that is developing at a totally "standard" pace should be hitting this milestone ~around~ 8. Maybe they're 7.5, maybe it takes until they're 8.5. But 8 is a median age for independently reading long chapter books.
By 9, we are very independent. Almost double digits! That's practically grown! A 9 y/o is going to be so so super excited to do anything alone. They're still going to mostly listen to you, and they'll go to you directly for help/comfort/etc very openly. Enjoy this phase! It is not a long phase. Linguistically speaking, by 9 most kids are pretty much grown-out of minor speech impediments- the ones that stick are actual impediments and it's up to you are your child to decide if/what speech therapy is good for them. Smaller things, like "Dwink" over "Drink" usually go away by this age. More permanent impediments will be much more clear, and they're completely natural! There's no shame in having a speech impediment, and while your child develops a personality and tries to be more independent - it's your job to handle any speech impediments for them. Let them focus on being 9.
10! Double digits already? Wow. Seems like only 500 words ago we were teaching them to tie shoes and spell "duckie". By this point, they're talking pretty much like how you'd expect a 10 year old to talk. They're either going to be a swearer, or not, and that's 80% your own doing. The other 20% is literally everyone else in their life. Peers, teachers, aunts, uncles, rads, etc. (rad being what my nibblings should call me, because I think it's 😁😁 rad 👉👉)
After this point? Just. Keep letting them learn more and more big words. If you've done all of this right, they'll probably love reading! Just nurture that love, and you're set. 11 year olds are cringey- they use weird dumbass slang that adults don't understand, and we use their slang to embarrass them every chance we get. A tale as old as time.
Honestly the next "big shift" in how a kid talks, is puberty. The change in vocal register can mess with the way the speak - and can also make certain Speech impediments worse, so if you're someone whose kid has an impediment, make sure you've prepared them for that. Warn them that vocal changes might make them feel as though any speech therapy they've done is pointless, and work with them to encourage them and help them remember that these vocal changes are not *bad*. Make sure they understand that there's nothing wrong with it.
And then, again, next big change isn't really a change at all. They're ready. They're grown! 18! The most common "change" here is that they might get a little bit too comfortable swearing a lot more than what's appropriate. But they'll figure out what's "enough" swearing soon enough. The important thing isn't whatever might be going on linguistically anymore... You've done it. You have managed to bring an entire human being all the way through childhood and into adulthood. You created a whole entire person! Now sit back, relax, and wait for grandkids or a dog or something... And remember that if you get grandkids, you also get to repeat a large portion of all of the work you just did.
And you also get to know that you made a tiny human! And then that human became an adult all because of you! And they decided to make *another* tiny human!
Ok Ok... I could go on, but Im getting really off-topic. My point is:
Children develop sooo quickly! There's only 10-12 years before they're most of the way grown and beginning to hit puberty. Your 8 year old Dick Grayson should NOT talk like he's 4! 10 year old Dick Grayson is not about to be using words like "Rhetorical question" unless you've given us reason to believe that he is well-read enough (In English) to know what that means. He might understand the premise of "not a questions are supposed to be answered" but it's INFINITELY funnier and more realistic for that type of interaction to play as-
10y/o Dick: "Why do you call yourself penguin?"
Penguin: *starts to answer*
Dick, jumping his ass: "I didn't mean you had to actually tell me! It was-" *pauses to look at his dad* "Batman?"
Batman, amused: "Rhetorical."
Dick: "Yeah! It was Rhetorical!"
*keeps beating up Penguin, who is so confused*
Your de-aged Danny Fenton that's suddenly 2? Should not be super-conscious and speaking like he's 14. And! Even if he's mentally 14 still, 2 year olds babble mainly because their mouths are tiny and have like. Barely any teeth.
Even I, hyperlexic and learning to ask for things at 18mo, still mostly babbled until I had all of my teeth. [I know this because my mum and I are super close and I recently had to get a full medical history, including me and her doing the math to figure out exactly how old I was at all of my milestones- based on how old my brothers were and where we lived and what surgery/test/etc I was having done at the same ages].
Anyway. So even if he's fully conscious or wtv, he's not speaking like a teenager- he's limited to what he can physically pronounce as a toddler.
Also! In this same vein! Stop forcing the baby talk to be written out completely phonetically.... I'm so so so sick of reading
"An' I tol' mah da-da aaallll 'bout the fishes at da 'quarium" like. Seriously guys. Just. Fucking. Type it.
It makes more sense for a 5 year old to go "I told my daddy aaallll about the 'quarium and the fishes and the cool boat thingy we rided on!" than whatever that hell-fire bullshit is, that just ate the text off the other example.
Kids under 10 especially tend to speak in run-on sentences. They use "and" "like" "Uh" "um" and other filler words. Constantly. Have them say like 6 different sentences, with barely if any pause, and call it a fuckin day lmao. It's more accurate than you probably think it is. My favorite example is my little cousin, we'll call her Amie (real name of my real adult friend lmao, but idk any good fake kid names so) I'll also just call myself Kat for simplicity sake.
Amie(7): "Katkatkatkatkat!"
Me: "What what what what what?"
A: "Come look! I found a cool bug underneath this big ole rock in the backyard it's over by the trampoline and I almost squisheded it by accident but it's ok because I jumped off and then I moved the rock offofit and then I came to get you so you can see the cool bug thingy! Look!"
Me, looking at what appeared to be a huge ass beetle: "Oh, wow! That is amazing! Do you want to put it in a jar so we can show mom? Maybe she'll let us go release it in the woods, so it's safe from the weed whacker!"
A: "Oh yes! Yesyesyesyes! I wanna go find a really cool jar! A big one and we can poke holes in the top but we should probably poke the holes in before we put Jerald in it because that way we don't accidentally poke a hole in Jerald because I think that would be really sad. I like Jerald."
Me: "I like him too, kiddo. Let's find a jar for him to take a nap in until Mommy is back, okay?"
Anyways, that's just an example of my 7 y/o cousin. Be creative! Have fun! Just keep in mind that if you want other people to read it, you have to put a little effort into it. My biggest advice?
Read up on the age you're writing. What grade are they in? How big are they? How does being that size shift how they (literally) see things around them?
Maybe try to go spend some time with younger relatives if you have any! Or maybe go visit a library and go to the kids section for a few minutes to browse- Ive done this to get a physical sense of what a little kid's world looks like from that low lol. I literally went to the library, and shuffled around on my knees for like 10 minutes browsing an empty section of the kids' area. Nobody questioned me, nobody gave a fuck, nobody even looked at me because: everyone will just assume you're there for a kids book. You have free will! Just. Go research what little kids are like before you write them completely wrong and then get pissed off when nobody wants to read your piss poor attempt at writing kids. (I say this with love, I swear, it's just a topic that personally really frustrates me 😅)
Hell, use this post as a giant guide for raising your characters' kids!
Maybe don't actually use it as a real life parenting guide tho. I wrote it in that style because that's just how it made sense in my head lol... I am not a parent, I just really wish I was.
