Why settle when you can run?

Fellowship bathroom selfie because everything is horrible.

I missed this. Did you miss this? 

I have 19 work days left of internship. This week, I pulled 4 10+ hour days in the middle of a pandemic. Our consult/liaison team is assisting with several difficult cases that have taken a lot out of me clinically and emotionally. 

I graduated in mid-June. I made the choice to travel back to Seattle from internship in Utah, double masked, so that I could be with my partner instead of alone. This meant that after virtual convocation, I went to campus to take pictures. My advisor had done convocation from her office, so she hooded me with my partner and one of the other faculty looking on, from a safe distance, in front of the lab I ran for the last 3 years. And then I cried. 

This was not the graduation that my cohort deserved or wanted. The grief process has felt selfish, with so much horrible going on in the world. 

On Friday, I successfully defended my dissertation via virtually defense with my committee and friends and family watching. I never imagined that my last year would be like this. I received my robe and cap and hood in my graduation package today. My hood was supposed to be placed over my head by my advisor at my graduation. Our department has a special ceremony-our advisor talks about each of us for a few minutes, hands us our hoods, and introduces us as doctor. We don’t officially get to use the title until after internship is over, because our degree is contingent on passing internship, but it is the meaning of the work and the time and the memories.

I have waited for 6 years for this ceremony. To be announced by my brilliant advisor, who has taught me so much. To take pictures with my cohort. To make sure everyone’s hood is on correctly and folded nicely (I love regalia). To finally walk across that stage. And it’s all been cancelled.

I have been trying to process this grief. It is hard and it feels...selfish of me to be crying over not getting to wear fancy robes for an afternoon when so much in the world is wrong. I am trying to process this grief.

I think that if you told what would happen during my internship year... Well. Here’s what happened: 

- I was offered 3 post-doctoral fellowships and took my top choice in Acute Psychiatric Care for children and adolescents and will be returning to Seattle in August  - At the beginning of February, I made my scheduled switch to my second rotation in pediatric behavioral health providing outpatient therapy to children and adolescents with chronic medical conditions and as part of the consultation/liaison team.  - Five weeks in and all of a sudden we had a pandemic! This resulted in significant changes in how I see patients. I now see the majority of my patients via telehealth, which has some ridiculously unique challenges.  - There was an earthquake! And we’re still having aftershocks! We had one tonight! - On the medical floors, I still see patients face to face, but I have to wear a mask and goggles (I mean I have to wear them all the time while I’m not in my office). We get our temperature taken every day when we come in. So much hand sanitizer.  - I found out a patient I treated in my first rotation died from diabetes complications.  - Said above earthquake resulted in my morning coffee meeting my computer, and then it subsequently died, so I had to send it in for repairs. Thought I might have lost my data, but luckily ended up working out ok.  - My doctoral graduation, convocation, and hooding ceremony were cancelled.  - My partner has had to stay in Seattle while I am on internship. So just me and the cat. - I have been given the all clear and my dissertation defense is scheduled for May 1st!