𝑚𝑎𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑚𝑒𝑠𝑠 𝑜𝑓 𝑖𝑡

               “ you think okay,  I get it,  I'm prepared for the worst,  but you hold out that                     small hope,  see,  and that's what fucks you up.  that's what kills you. ”

(   *  💀  /  phoebe dynevor, questioning, she/her )  —  is that katherine ‘kitty’ abbott i just saw rushing down the corridor? i hear they’re a twenty year old hufflepuff, returning for their sixth school year, but their friends would tell you that they are empathetic & earnest as well as flighty & stubborn. if you want to know more about them, i guess i could tell you that they’re pureblood, and from what i hear, they’re currently allying with the the order. when our divination professor looks into their crystal ball, they see: always scalding your tongue, on either bitten-back words or tea you don’t let cool; a smear of lipstick, wiped off on the back of your hand (don’t you know you’re not that kind of girl?); the buzz of celebratory drinks when no one around feels much like celebrating; windswept blonde locks escaping from your braid; layering up on hand-me-down clothes, as if they offer any protection at all.  —  ( zoe, she/her, 23, cst  )  

CONTENT WARNINGS:   death of a close family member, mourning, referenced drug & alcohol use  ADDITIONAL MATERIALS:   kitty’s playlist,  connections,  stats page,  &  pinterest board  

𝒌𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒕     —      moodboard 003

       he  knew  it  wasn’t  what  it  looked  like   ;    little  miss.  kitty  abbott  practically  cornering  him  in  a  room  and  shutting  the  door  behind  her   .    oops   ,   sorry   ,   she  apologized   .    accident   .    unless  most   ,   he  knew  she  actually  meant  it   .   but  still   ,    even  rab  liked  a  good  joke  every  once  in  a  while   .    “   i’m  not  gonna  fuck  you   ,   if  that’s  what  you’re  thinking   .    ”   his  expression  was  unreadable    .   deadpan   .   though  perhaps   ,   if  you  looked  closely  enough   ,   you  could  see  a  subtle  spark  of  something  foreign  in  his  darkened  gaze   .   was  that   …   amusement   ?

      it  was  an  arched  brow  that  hinted  toward  his  teasing   ,   though  nothing  else            rabastan  lestrange  would  clean  house  at  dawlish’s  weekly  poker  matches   .     with  his  gaze  giving  a  final  sweep  of  the  room   ,   his  eyes  narrowed  on  something  green  and  silver   :  his  tie   .    it  was  tossed  carelessly  beside  a  desk   ,   maybe  taunting  him  and  daring  him  to  pick  it  up  in  front  of  the  blonde   .   and  after  a  sex-based  joke   ,   no  less  .  his  bloody  luck  .  “           alright  ,   alright   .   i’ll  give  it  a  go   ,    ”    he  all  but  grunted    .   “   bit  of  practice   ,   yeah   ?   look  all  perfect  in  class  ‘cause  you’ve  practiced  in  private  first   ?    ”

              kitty spluttered;   quite unattractively.  she could just tell by the sounds coming out of her mouth that her face was likely formed in some truly un - sexy look of confusion.   which,  like,  good.   she didn’t know rabastan well enough to be able to tell if he was like   …   joking in some harmless way,  or if it was some sort of implication on her reputation,  or like,  meant to be insulting.   was it insulting for someone you didn’t want to fuck you to say so openly that they weren’t at all interested in fucking you?                   like,  kitty didn’t want to fuck rabastan,  but she thought she was likely a little out of his league,  so it did sting ever so slightly to be told that it was off the table before she even offered.                       not that she’d been going to,  but it was the principle of the thing. 

          “ THIS WHOLE ESCORTING THING IS STARTING to get annoying. “ stu grumbled, although starting was the wrong word to use, it had bothered stu from the beginning, “ what can prefects do differently than a regular student? “

           “ I RECKON THEY’VE GOT FORCE - FIELDS AROUND ‘EM, “   kitty mused,   looking at stu with a half - smile she was trying to fight down for the sake of her half - baked joke.   “ like,  dumbledore gave them to them,  or something?   probably gonna test ‘ em out at some point,  just to scare anyone who’s even thinking of trying to get to class on time but,  like,  by themselves. “ 

ariel could feel herself slowly going i n s a n e. the rules that had been put in place following the announcement of professor ambarella’s murder death felt like a chokehold on ariel’s incessant need to keep moving to stay alive. and she understood that the rules were merely for that of their own safety, but if one more prefect told her this, she thought perhaps she might be ending up in detention. she was exhausted, and energised, and buzzing, and flatlining, and confused. but she was trying — she wanted to prove that she could handle stability. that she could do what she was told, even if all she wanted to do was scream.

it was deadly silent in the library as the senior students sat for their study period. so silent it was deafening. ariel tapped the point of her quill in a fast pace atop the wood table, chewing on the nails of her other hand to keep her mouth shut. why the fuck was it so quiet ? ariel couldn’t help herself — looking up across the table, ariel locked eyes with the first person she could and psst’d to get their attention. “ come find a book with me ? ” she hissed, ensuring the librarian who sat four tables away couldn’t hear them. “ i’m a super fun study buddy, swearsies. ”

kitty’s head jerked up from her herbology notes when she heard ariel’s  ‘ psst ‘   —   she had a knotgrass clipping taped to the inside of her note - book and was trying to draw an accurate rendering of the clipping so she could finally rip the damn thing out.   it was making it seriously hard to close,  and also the whole thing smelled so very green now.   she was a more than passable artist but found she was having some difficulty in choosing how to depict its budding flowers.                    the distraction would’ve been welcome coming from anyone,  but was,  like,  doubly welcome when it was ariel.   kitty made eye contact with ariel,  head nodding almost before she registered giving it permission to.                                 she’d already half - slid out of her seat by the time she replied.  

“ you’re a menace of a study buddy,  is what you are.   but luckily I like that in a study buddy,  so we’re quite well - matched. “   she’d slipped out of her shoes at some point whilst trying to get the leaves just right,  so her footsteps were suitably silent as she made her way towards ariel’s seat.   “ after we find this book of yours,  you can help me figure out if it’s worth getting some color on my herbology notes or if I’m,  like,  generally smart enough to know that leaves are green without it.   c’mon;   what book are we on the hunt for? “ 

far  off  look  ,  her  head  set  in  a  book  -  siena  nearly  jumps  at  the  other’s  call  .  ❛   oh  , uh  ,  hey  kitty  .   ❜  they’re  quick  to  respond  ,  looking  over  to  kitty  .  she’s  right  ,  the  place  is  overly  crowded  -  full  of  those  she’s  sure  will  never  return  to  the  library  after  september  .  it’s  more  than  a  relief  to  see  the  familiar  face  .    ❛   that’s  sweet  ,  thanks  .   ❜  they  head  closer  ,  pulling  out  a  chair  across  from  them  and  taking  a  seat  .  her  bag  is  dropped  to  the  side  next  to  them  ,  book  dropped  within  .   ❛   mhm  .  i  think  i’ve  only  seen  some  of  them  in  class  -  nodding  off  most  likely  .   ❜

kitty beamed when siena pulled out the seat across from her.   she,  like,  generally liked the library.   the hufflepuff common room was great,  of course,  she didn’t want anyone to think she didn’t think so.   but when you were working on something in the library people seemed more inclined to leave you alone unless you flagged them down.   which,  she guessed she just had with siena;   she liked being left alone,  but she also liked company.   siena was good company.   she tried to tone down her smile,   leaning across the table to be able to talk to them without her volume disturbing the next table over.   “ so much better to stay awake and nod off in the library,  yeah ? “   she asked,   cocking her head.   “ which I actually saw someone do earlier,  before someone re - shelving a book startled them awake and they left. “  

“ oh, i’m always exhausted. ” she shrugged as she continued the journey towards the potions classroom, which kitty had apparently decided to join her on. “ what’s got you down, though? ” the question hung in the air between them for a moment as isha tried to decide on what she should say next. “ my courses this year have been absolutely brutal… so, believe me, i get it. ” as soon as the sentence left her mouth, she could practically feel the weight of her parent’s disappointment bear down on her. from an astonishingly young age she had been taught how important it was to never let her weaknesses show; to never give anyone a reason to doubt her and her abilities. “ you know, you’re always welcome to join me in the library. if you’re ever feeling too overwhelmed. ”

“ oh, “   kitty said,   looking after isha at the other’s admission;   said so easily,  shrugged off,  that kitty wondered if it wasn’t the sort of thing people just kind of said to have said it.   “ if the exhaustion’s,  like,  an enduring problem I think you can go to the hospital wing and ask for a sleeping drought? “   she bit on her lip,  hurrying her strides to keep up with isha where she’d stalled out.   it was far easier to offer solutions for a problem isha might’ve not really cared about than,  like,  actually answer the question she’d posed to kitty in return.   ‘ what’s got you down? '   well,  it was nice to have someone that apparently didn’t know;   but that just meant kitty wasn’t going to talk about this summer unless she was made to.   “ though if it’s just the course load,  I totally get it,   I swear the new defense professor is trying to shove a month into her first week despite not really missing much class time in the first place. “   kitty was rambling.   kity was also fully aware she was rambling and not too inclined to stop herself.   “ and,  like,  given that,  I may just have to take you up on that offer,  sometime. “

   “how can you even read that?” of course he had been peering over at her parchment, brows furrowed at the writing that he definitely couldn’t make out. it was none of his business, and he knew that.. but lucius had always been a little nosey. he liked knowing the stupidest things about people. this puff was no exception. “like.. that looks like what my writing looked like when i was six.” he knows it’s all because she was rushing, but it doesn’t stop him from rubbing it in - from being an asshole as always. he had been watching her with such a curious but judgemental gaze, that was for sure. yet he knew how it felt to not be fully listening during a class or meeting, and so he spoke up. “— do you need me to give you my notes? so you know that you have everything written down correctly?”

         they  see  kitty  before  she  finds  her  place  ,  moving  their  things  aside  to  make  room  for  her  .  they  had  been  up  all  night  again ,  red  eyes  staring  at  the  ceiling  that  offered  no  ANSWERS  or  SYMPATHY  for  the  nightmares  that  await  their  closed  eyes  .  the  special  restlessness  was  something  that  settled  into  their  bones  long  ago  ,  leaving  sirius  growing  use  to  the  horrors  of  it  .  the  morning  was  always  the  worst,  watching  everyone  look  so  REFRESHED  left  him  more  than  bitter  ,  a  permeant  morning  scowl  forming  as  he  surveys  the  table  when  kitty  sits  .  they  unscrew  a  flask  hidden  in  their  robes  ,  leaning  forward  on  the  table  to  block  the  others  from  seeing  .  eyes  locking  with  kitty  as  they  pour  some  into  their  juice  ,  they  hold  it  up  for  her  .  “  i’ll  be  lucky  to  get  through  the  day.  i’ll  keep  you  and  your  erumpents  trampled  body  in  my  prayers  today  ,  kitty  abbott  .  ”  false  chivalry  drips  from  the  lips  while  true  sympathy  lies  in  their  eyes  while  they  nod  .

          some part of kitty was always morbidly curious when people mentioned their  ‘ prayers ‘   —   though,  like,  people might be putting it broadly.   she’d heard it earnestly enough from some half - bloods and muggleborns,  people whose families still took them to whatever church they believed in every time hogwarts let out for the holidays.   given what she knew of sirius’ family,  though,   kitty wondered   …   well,  not too seriously.   she knew his prayers were,  like,  a beat in the joke,  kind of.   she thought about asking,   then reconsidered;   do you believe in god,  sirius?   wasn’t exactly light - hearted morning banter.   instead,   she just stole a sip of the spiked juice,   then slid it back to them.   hair of the dog never really helped,   in her opinion;   what helped was a shower,   but she’d woken up too late for that,   would have to wait until she had a free hour in her class schedule to sneak one in.   “ well,  I may have dropped divination,   but my prediction for the day is that   …   you’ll be very lucky indeed.   now you’ve almost got to get through the day,  ‘less you wanna prove me wrong,  or something. “

kitty blinked,   slowly.   maybe a little owlishly;   one,  two,  three   big lashed blinks,   more of a fluttering of her eyes as she tried to think of how to respond.   she,  like,  privately thought that maybe this wasn’t the sort of thing you were meant to reply to?   like,  it was a case of someone maybe thinking out loud.   lord knew that when she was high,  she said a lot of stuff like   …   well,  not like that,  but not unlike that,  either.   kitty,  as a general rule,  tried not to think about the slow march of time sober.                     maybe this was eve’s way of asking kitty to smoke them up?             something to consider,  maybe? 

“ no,  totally, “   kitty agreed,  blinking hard once more.  just a last little blink for the road,  in case it shook some sense into her brain so she could make sense of eve’s musing.   no cigar.   “ uh.  like,  y’know,  a lot of things are more interesting when they’re   —   like,  fresh,  y’know?   or,  new,  that’s another way of sayin’ it.   um.   but maybe it’s just   …   “  what the fuck was the  ‘ it ‘  in question,  though,  that was the fucking question.   shit.   it was just now dawning on kitty that perhaps by,  like,  floating  in & out  of paying attention to eve,  she had missed some key context.   “ like, now it can be interesting in a different way,  now?   something to consider. “ 

        were  he  a  religious  man   ,   he  may  have  thanked  god  for  the  timing  of  it  all   ;   harper  left  not  five  minutes  ago   ,   leaving  rab  to  straighten  up  the  mess  he  made   (   a  knocked  over  desk  here   ,   a  series  of  scattered  papers  there  )   .    but  it  was  probably  a  good  thing            because  if  he  were  a  religious  man   ,   he  would  have  to  pencil  in  a  bloody  flagellation   or  two  .   the  bastard  was  practically  drowning  in  sin   ,   suffocating  his  way  straight  to  hell    .    “   hmm   ,   ”   rab  started   ,   pushing  the  final  chair  in  before  leaning  against  the  desk  .   “   does  sort  of  pose  the  question  of  why  you’re  here   .   ”    he  paused   .   “  but  i  tend  not  to  ask  questions  i  don’t  wanna  answer  myself    ,   so   …   have  at  it   .    what  do  i  care   ?   ”    he  mumbled  the  latter  under  his  breath   ,   eyes  scanning  his  surroundings  for  any  forgotten  items   .   something  was  missing   .   he  could  feel  it  . 

“  I guess it does sort of post that question, “   kitty admitted,   shutting the door behind her.   without turning her back to rabastan,  though,  of course.   she wasn’t fucking scared of him,  like,  specifically;   but her heart hadn’t really gotten over the surprise of seeing another living soul in this room,   so;   she’d let that   fight or flight   instinct run its course through her,  thanks,  and if that meant shutting the door so no one else could hear their conversation whilst not turning her back on someone then,  like,  fine.   she could privately admit that maybe it was good that she wasn’t alone with her thoughts right now,  even if she privately thought that rabastan wasn’t much better company than one of the ghosts.   fuck,  the fat friar he was not.                 kitty was not going to tell him that,  though.     she still had some sense of self - preservation.  

instead,  she cocked a brow at rabastan,   tried to seem less   …   jumpy,  or whatever,  than she was.   “ but,  in exchange for not askin’ it,   I’ll give you three guesses as to what I’m here for,  if you’re still curious.” 

❛   i  thought  y’might  like  some  quiet  ,  kitty  .  ‘s  all  a  bit  much  being  back  ,  isn’t  it  ?   ❜  she  says  ,  something  like  a  smile  on  her  face  as  she  greets  the  other  .  recovery  isn’t  linear  ,  and  no  one  knows  that  better  than  wilda  .  the  path  from  trauma  onward  goes  forwards  and  backwards  ,  she’d  been  close  to  flying  again  -  once  .  but  she’d  only  gotten  a  few  meters  into  the  air  before  she’d  rushed  back  down  to  the  ground  .  still  her  trauma  isn’t  the  same  as  her  friend’s  ,  she  cannot  imagine  what  the  other  is  going  through  .  ❛   some  quiet  and  some  chips  ,  of  course  .   ❜  she  pauses  to  offer  the  other  a  paper  baggie  ,  filled  near  to  the  brim  .  ❛   had’ta  bride  the  elves  .  not  as  good  as  a  chippy’s  ,  but  they’ll  do  .   ❜

“  ‘ a bit much ‘  seems a good way to put it,  yeah, “   kitty said,  proud of herself for keeping her tone,  like,  even and everything;   like,  shit,  she knew that she was prone to crying under   …   even less extenuating circumstances.   that she kept any and all quivering,  wavering fragility out of her voice was an accomplishment.   then she felt,  in a small little bit of her,  a little guilty for trying so hard in front of wilda,  of all people,  who she was almost one - hundred percent certain wouldn’t use her wavering voice against her.   there was just,  y’know,  a little bit of guilt around wilda,  right now,  which made her feel even guiltier for feeling it.  she made herself smile,   sure that,  if nothing else,  it at least matched wilda’s in wattage.   what a set they made.   she reached a hand   ( that didn’t waver even a bit,  fuck yeah,  ten points to hufflepuff for kitty abbott’s sure fingers   —   )   towards the bag of chips,   smile widening a little despite herself at the first bite.   “ I mean,  they’re pretty good, “   kitty said.   tried to think of something to say that wasn’t as fucking depressing as,  ‘ I haven’t had good shit from a chippy in a while anyway,  my mom hates them,  so   …  ‘   She came up blank,  and shrugged while reaching for another.   “ I might have to pay the elves a visit,  y’know,  give my compliments to the chef.   fingers crossed it’ll take less bribery next time,  that way. “

𝒌𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒕     —      moodboard 002

𝒌𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒂𝒃𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒕      —      moodboard 001

“ hey, siena, “   kitty called out as she saw the ravenclaw pass the table she’d claimed in the library.   a little too late,  she recalled that you weren’t really meant to  ‘ call out ‘  in the library,  and spared a quick glance around her to see if anyone was,  like,  actively glaring at her.   it seemed she was in the clear;  a relief,  which she was sure showed plain on her face when she turned back to smile at siena.   “ were you looking for a place to sit?  I swear,  like,  this place only gets this crowded the first few weeks back and then,  I guess,  before exams. “   she huffed out a breath,  watching absently as the expelled air seemed to push a lock of her blonde hair closer towards her nose.   she reached up to tug it out of the way as she continued,  “ it’s crowded,  anyway,  was the point. “

classes had scarcely begun and kitty was already sick & tired of having to wake up at a reasonable time each and every morning.   she felt like she looked sick and tired too,  which didn’t really help ease her morning irritability.   kitty knew she’d passed the long hufflepuff table,  filled with her housemates bedecked in cheery hufflepuff gold;   she made a beeline for gryffindor’s table anyway,  once she’d caught sight of a head of hot - pink hair.   she wasn’t sure if the seat next to sirius had been left open for someone in particular   —   but if it was kitty thought,  grumpy and a bit uncharitable,  that they could suck it.   she plopped herself down next to them and started helping herself to some of gryffindor’s toast and juice.   “ morning, “  kitty said,  finally chancing a look sideways at the gryffindor.   “ I feel like I’ve been run over by a herd of erumpents,  how’re you doing? “

after six years in the castle,  with little time really spared to get to know each new crop of first years,   kitty had to admit there was an increasingly small population of hogwarts who she knew on sight.   it still sent a slight thrill through her to catch a familiar face when she was adrift in the halls following the end of the day’s classes;   kitty saw isha,  and clung to the sight of her like a lifeline,  immediately cutting across the busy hallway to tuck herself close to the ravenclaw’s side and match their strides up as best she could.   “ hey, you, “   she said,  working hard to sound bubblier than she felt.   her ears were always a little critical of her own voice,  but she thought she pulled it off alright enough.   “ are you exhausted?   I’m exhausted. “