𝓣𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓼

That’s a long time for us to be apart my darling.

That you existed too.

That you were ours, and ours alone.

Is a heartbreak I give myself daily.

a reminder of what was.

When eyes flutter open,

The scent is soft and sweet.

Today I washed your blanket,

It’s handmade with love. its colours bright.

Today I washed your socks,

And I folded them up real neat.

Today I washed your hats,

Wishing they’d cover your hairs, I imagine to be light.

Today I washed your onesies,

Craving the sound of your heartbeat.

Today I washed your clothes,

Knowing they would never fit just right.

Today I washed your socks,

Even though they would have been too big on your feet.

Today I washed your blanket,

Hoping I would of had the chance to swaddle you up, warm and tight.

Today I washed your hats,

Sadden that I never heard your bleats.

Today I washed your onesies,

To bring comfort that your wings have spread, and you have taken flight.

Today I washed your clothes.

Praying that our limited memories never retreat.

Today I washed your hats,

Your absence from my stomach stinging like bitter frostbite.

Today I washed your socks,

With the heavy feeling of being incomplete

Today I washed your onesies,

Hating the constant ‘what if’ hindsight.

Today I washed your blankets,

Thinking of how we could again meet.

Today I washed your clothes,

Because I know that we tried with all our might.

Today, I washed your clothes.

“ Your pictures are like treasures,

For only our eyes alone.

Tracing each detail on the map,

Of the one we could not bring home. “

“ This world is far from fair,

Separating us before we ever had a chance. “

— Untouchablestarling, an empty armed mama.

Should you happen to stumble across this blog, I am so very sorry. But I welcome you with open arms at this unfortunate meeting of loss.

It was this time last year, that I captured this photo of my soon-to-be son’s very first onesie set to go along with an engagement/pregnancy announcement. Naive, excited, nervous, and scared of what wonders motherhood would offer me for the first time. Unknown were the traumatic horrors and heartache that surrounded pregnancy loss. Until it happened to me in the incoming weeks after my announcement.

Now, nearly a year later after having no choice but to welcome this, sometimes unbearable, grief to my table and wading my way through the fog. I feel as though I am ready enough to share my story and my journey that is my motherhood. Loss motherhood, in the only way that I know how, through broken words, and captured memories.