‘ only strippers shave above the knee. ’
‘ your ass is grass and i’m gonna mow it. ’
‘ i’m a smart, strong, sensual woman. ’
‘ time for the charm bomb to explode. ’
‘ i’m no hero. i put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else. ’
‘ i’ve logged over 3,000 fantasy hours on my relationship. ’
‘ just when i think i’m out, those cheeks pull me right back in. ’
‘ that’s lipgloss? i thought you’d always just finished eating rotisserie chicken. ’
‘ is it possible to be in love with 25 people at once? ’
‘ oh, it’s okay. i guess i wasn’t meant to have a good life. ’
‘ if boys had uteruses, they’d be called duderuses. ’
‘ if you need me i’ll be down here on the floor dying. ’
‘ here’s a bunch of numbers. they may look random, but they’re my phone number. ’
‘ if he has a butt for touching and lips for kissing, i’m going for that. ’
‘ if we see any mermaids, i’m gonna ask them where their merginas are. ’
‘ hey, jennifer slowpez! get out of the way! ’
‘ do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads? ’
‘ i’m just a little tired. also, i might be a pimp. ’
‘ i think i have the best legs in the family, and the smoothest bottom. ’
‘ our gang is called the broken glass kids. we’ll cut you. ’
‘ i want that on my tombstone. seriously. i do. ’
‘ i’ve eaten nine birthday cakes and i still feel empty. ’
‘ camera, take the day off. i added ten pounds to myself! ’
‘ i don’t get drunk. i just have fun. ’
‘ mommy doesn’t get drunk. she just has fun. ’
‘ i don’t appreciate your lack of sarcasm. ’
‘ you’re my family and i love you, but you’re terrible. ’
‘ uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ’
‘ i am not drunk! i’ve only had half of four bottles of wine! ’
‘ sorry, i’m saving my spit and blood for my honeymoon. ’
‘ i just want to slap his hideous, beautiful face. ’
‘ yeah, she’s pubing out real bad. ’
‘ quiet dignity? have you met us?! ’
‘ why don’t you try speaking in words instead of your damn dirty lies. ’
‘ i hope they’re using protection because i am not taking care of that baby. ’
‘ clean up, aisle ‘my panties’. ’
‘ i didn’t know our country was bi. good for us. ’
‘ i’ve seen your life and i’m not impressed. ’
‘ let’s see your ‘everything is okay’ face. ’
‘ it sure is cold in here. i wish some strong, chivalrous man would lend me his jacket… or pants. ’
‘ when i shut my eyes and cover my ears, i feel like i could maybe spend the rest of my life with her. ’
‘ it smells… exotic, like ranch dressing. ’
‘ it’s rated ‘r’ for ‘really boozy’, starring me. ’
‘ gee, even your testicles are failures. ’
‘ aw, i gave it a shot. time to give up. ’
‘ well, i’m glad you’re excited, because i am going to kill myself. ’
‘ kids are horrible. why do we keep making them? ’
‘ oh my god, i don’t know. go to sleep. ’
‘ admit it, you look up to me! ’
‘ i’m the alpha turkey. ’
‘ i deserve this. i’ve been coasting. ’
‘ i changed my mind about having kids. i’m gonna have one and feed it to that bear ‘cause i love him so much. ’
‘ love you, cutie pie. sorry. i’ll think of a better one than ‘cutie pie’. ’
‘ you’re my angel… dust. sorry. that’s a drug. ’
‘ uh, you’re kind of exaggerating. ’
‘ i’m exaggerating?! that is literally the stupidest thing that anyone has ever said in the history of mankind ever. ’
‘ is that a euphemism for his ding dong? ’
‘ you’re a couple of sluts! ’
‘ what is this feeling i’m feeling right now? it’s like i’m sad for another person? is that a thing!? am i going crazy?! ’
‘ i made this friendship bracelet for you. ’
‘ why would you head-butt me?! ’
‘ i was gonna punch you, but i’m holding wine. ’
‘ the sign says ‘no running’ and you’re running your mouth. ’
‘ my cat was right about you! ’
‘ why do men have to ruin everything? ’
‘ gotta keep the players happy. flirt a little, wink a little. ’
‘ last year for halloween, i was a mummy. this year, i’m a mommy mummy. i’m single, i’m working two jobs, and i’m just trying to get back out there. ’
‘ are you drunk enough to be any fun yet? ’
‘ put some mistletoe on my butt and kiss it. ’
‘ a world without me is not a world i want to live in. ’
‘ oh my god. i never noticed how annoying you are. ’
‘ you’re the baddest girl in detention. ’
‘ summer is awful. there’s too much pressure to enjoy yourself. ’
‘ i don’t need a boy to pay attention to me. i’ll pay attention to myself. ’
‘ hey, you don’t wanna mess with her. she’ll wear down your self esteem over a period of years. ’
‘ i’ll probably be sad for the rest of my life. but besides that, i’m good. ’
‘ i’ll stay here cause it sounds like where you’re going is outside. ’
‘ i’m gonna drink. a lot. ’
‘ you can’t hurt me. i’m already dead. ’
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