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idk how 2 do this. anyway. i was at a carnival for 4th of july (which is bs this country fucking sux) and it was just hell. i was with my best friend and we went on rides but they’re bigoted ass father (who hates me 4 reasons) was js being annoying asf and my parents wanted me to pay him back for buying us stuff but hell no i’m not fuck that guy. anyway, he was telling us to go on all the rides bc he paid a lot of money for it (MIND YOU IT WAS $20 FOR BOTH OF US AND HES MORE THAN WELL OFF) but then he’d get pissed when we’re actually going on rides. also some guy said “man fuck this gay ass ride let’s go” during the firework show and it was funny but i also felt so uncomfortable the entire time. when im not surrounded by my friends i forget how much social anxiety i have. like don’t get me wrong it’s gotten better but it’s bad at all accounts. and my friend is really really really loud all the time and was saying a bunch of stuff to draw attention to us and i wanted to kms and they were making fun of my outfit the whole time and it was just miserable and anytime id get visibly upset they’d just get annoyed at me but it’s like obviously im getting upset you’re making fun of me. holy run on sentence. anyway, skip to the firework show. i hate fireworks. they’re scary as hell and i have a panic attack every time i have to see a firework show. my friend dgaf. they told me they wanted to see it and their dad and like they paid for me to go here so what am i gonna do? and i said im super scared of fireworks and asked if there was any way i could just go back to the car and wait it out or sit farther behind or even use their earbuds. but they said no so i just had to deal with it. i hate fireworks, they’re dumb. i cried it was awful, no one cared. and then as we were leaving it was so fucking cramped and i was already uncomfortable and some guy like twice my fucking age grabs my entire waist to push me out of the way. omfg. it’s not even that bad ik but i was actually gonna have a panic attack. i don’t know what the fucks wrong with me. j forgot how much i actually cannot take people touching me. it’s so bad. i let people i know touch me obviously. but like. idk. i was gonna cry i wanted to kms thay was so bad and i couldn’t even say anything bc me and my friend were right behind their dad and their dad started a fucking conversation with this guy and he was talking abt how anxious he was and how he was just shoving people out of the way bc of anxiety but like maybe don’t fucking grab peoples entire waists?? people who are visibly minors?? fuck. whatever. and i feel bad bc obviously being anxious or having an anxiety attack can make you do things you normally wouldn’t do but it just felt violating. idk after what happened to me before i can’t have strangers touch me ill actually cry. it’s like i can’t even call it anything bad bc i feel like im overreacting but it’s just so bad i wanted to fucking sob and my friend was trying to make me feel better and nothing was working. and then they got like rlly good news in the car abt like voice acting stuff and i couldn’t be happy for them bc i just felt gross. and now i feel like a terrible person. and the more i even talk abt it the angrier i get but i feel bad being mad bc obviously he was having a hard time too but what the fuck is wrong with you?? like actually. why is your first instinct to grab someone a whole foot shorter than you by their waist and shove them out to the way? i feel bad being angry but genuinely what the fuck is wrong with him? and i had a sleepover with my friend and i don’t wanna be a fucking downer so i tried not to think abt it but now that im alone im just fucking sobbing i hate being touched i hate whoever that guy was i actually don’t care abt his fucking anxiety why would you grab someone by their entire waist to VIOLENTLY shove them aside?? it wasn’t even a push like i fell into my friend. fuck. whatever.