Lifestyle | Travel | Mental Health

There are many words I have used to describe myself over the years, loud, quiet, confident, shy, outspoken, reserved... one I never thought would lace my lips again would be bulimic. 

I have suffered on and off with eating disordered tendencies since the age of 13. Sometimes I can even trace back the thoughts of self hatred to the age of 8. Although anorexic in nature I would say I first dabbled with bulimic tendencies at 14, a failure largely. Continuing for number of years things only really spiralled shortly after my 18th birthday. I was anorexic, very anorexic. Slowly but surely as often the case this developed into bulimia. It all began with the intense guilt of the odd meal and then recovery. Then next thing I know I was 5, 6, 7kg heavier. I was SO set on relapse but that is when it hit. The secretive, manipulative and deceitful life of my bulimia. 

Romanticised in the movies now 21 having faced 2 years in ‘remittance’, I am right back at square one. I am constantly lying to everyone I care about. You don’t tend to get the ‘good bulimic’. It is most known for the binges, followed by the purges. The maintenance of a weight about what is classed as ‘healthy’. But here I am, mildly underweight, around 10kg lighter than when I began and a shell of the girl I once was. Having previously loved my body for all its curves, it stretch marks and creases, all I now see is something I wish I could carve away and burn.

What they don’t tell you about bulimia is just how much you will fall in love with your own company. I was previously the centre of everyones social lives, making things happen, wanting constant company. I look at myself now and I crave the hours the house is empty. Lying to everyone constantly is exhausting. Being a bulimic is so much easier when you have the space to indulge alone. 

Nobody tells you about the dehydration. The constant longing for liquid to pass through your dry dry lips. You sit there unwilling to drink as you think it will make you balloon but only minutes before had you forced all your liquids out. A contradiction. 

Then there is the complete loss of what is normal. The throwing up into boxes, plastic bags, bushes, in the back seat of your car. I used to be scared of the dark but when I had binged one night outside a Chinese takeaway, I suddenly found comfort in a darkened carpark, at night with only the light glimmer of the moon and the shelter of some bushes. The dark doesn’t phase me anymore. Sick doesn’t phase me anymore. 

Bulimia is constantly smelling of soap, toothpaste, obsessively showering and switching up your hygiene routine. It is switching all of your rings to one hand for fear of lubricating your fingers with your own sick and one falling in the toilet. It’s facing a barely cleaned public toilet, the shock aspect of the stains completely gone as you’re too concerned with keeping quiet and being as fast as you can for fear of raising suspicion.

I think it has been no secret that I have struggled with mental illnesses for a while particularly over the course of the past year. What not as many people know is that parts of my problems have existed in various forms for over five years. But the most important thing now is that I can reflect on what has arguably been the toughest battle of my life (which is by no means over) and acknowledge that I have grown as a person from it. In fact, I even believe it has made me a better person.

I won’t be excessively divulging into the deep and grim details of my problems but I do hope to express the main lessons that I have learnt from them, which I hope can help others too.

1. It will always get better 2. You will always be strong enough to overcome any battle 3. You should not be ashamed of you journey 4. It is okay to talk about it 5. Throughout life, it will always be the little things that bring the greatest of joys

So the first lesson of “it will always get better” is the most important one to me right now and the most important to remember.

In my journey, I had over six months of effectively being ‘recovered’ during year 12 and I believed that I would never not be okay again (naïve I know), but my problems returned out of no where.

It was nearing the end of the summer holidays just before year 13 began and I was the most petrified I had ever been. I knew I was losing my mind again and I couldn’t do anything about it, but the difference between then and when I first got ill was that this time I knew how bad I could get.

I was let down by the NHS quite badly at this point which is when I took on a ridiculous and dangerous cycle of various negative coping mechanisms (some of which people may have been exposed to) because I had no idea what else to do. I even convinced myself that they helped me but on reflection they just heightened my issues.

I pretty much lost everything good about myself and all the hope and excitement which I had worked so hard on. On too many occasions, whether on the drive into school, on a night out or just before I slept I’d be thinking “I can’t do this” … “how am I ever going to get to the end of year 13?”, “how will I even get through tomorrow?”. I convinced myself that my life was going to be awful forever simply because it was in that moment and I genuinely believed that I would never be okay again. This thought process again was just vicious and detrimental, resulting in the worsening of my mindset.

But look at me now… I have changed so much (I think for the better), yet I feel the more like me than I have in a long time. I made it. I made it to the final days of school, through exams and all of the days I thought I wouldn’t and I have come out the other side.

I doubted my ability to ever be happy again… but I am. I am confident again, I actually even like myself now and I can see the good in almost every day. In fact, I am so proud of myself and what I have achieved because I did it. I may not have achieved a gold medal at the Olympics or the top grades but I fought my own mind and came out on top which to me is pretty much the same thing.

For anyone, it is easy to forget how you have overcome challenges before, but whether it is from writing it down or continuously repeating it to yourself, you can never let yourself forget again.

From this day I will never let myself forget that I overcame my anxiety depression when I was 16 years old. I went over a year without self harming. I would consider myself almost recovered from anorexia. I got through bouts of mania and depression in this past year and I pretty much accept my body for what it is now. I am sure that others can create a list like this, or even one of other achievements such as “I made it out of the house that time that I was convinced I couldn’t”

Now for some key quotes to sum up my thoughts because quotes can actually help you understand and motivate your life and I am very bad at being precise:

- “Just because today is a terrible day, it doesn’t mean that tomorrow won’t be the best day of your life. You have just got to get there.”

- “Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life.”

- “When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or you can let it strengthen you.”

Through small steps every day, I have got through some of the hardest times of my life and finally, I feel like I am and I will be better again. And this can apply to anyone. Things can and will always get better.

This suitable leads onto the next idea of, “you will always be strong enough to overcome any battle”. This lesson is best explained through the following quote:

“On particularly rough days which I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%... and that’s pretty good.”

It is true though. If you’re like me and you have questioned your ability to keep going through the motions of life or your reason to keep going because everything just seems impossible, you also need to remember that you have had the ability and reason to keep going on every other day of your life and that will never change. The only thing that tells you you can’t is your mind, and overcoming that is by no means easy but you have done it before and you will do it again.

Even if you live by the motto “Turn your cant’s into cans and your dreams into plans.” you will begin to take small steps in the right direction, because the key to positivity and strength is a positive attitude.

Look at each and every small achievement on the day. Practise gratitude and be proud of yourself and soon enough, you will start to believe in your abilities again. Even if your main achievement that day is getting out of bed – it is still more than not!

On a slightly different but equally important note which I am actually exceptionally proud of myself for (thinking about my achievements), “I should not be ashamed of my journey.” When I first began to develop problems I didn’t understand what was going on. Mental health awareness wasn’t really a thing and the general subject of it was a massive taboo. But by keeping it to myself I only ever got worse. The worst thing anyone can do is to let themselves struggle alone. Equally, pretending you were never ill is just setting yourself up for another fall.

In a way, I lost some friendships. I isolated myself and I was ashamed of my scars, the fact I couldn’t always be super happy or social. But when I was able to accept myself for my problems, when I was able to talk to my friends about them even if it was just, “I’m having a bad day” I actually began to feel accepted and less alone.

Through self acceptance, I rebuilt trust in myself and faith in those around me, because by finding the positives in my journey – like how I feel that I am a more insightful and considerate person than I would have been I am actually now proud of myself for it and people seem to be proud of me too. Which in itself is a wonderful feeling.

The past five years have been a big part of my life or anyone’s struggles for that matter, there is no point hiding from them and pretending they never happened because in reality it did.

From my journey, I hope to use it to help others – which is kind of the point of this lengthy (sorry) post. As I hope that maybe even the smallest thing can be taken from it for those who are struggling and even those who want to help others. Hey… maybe one day I will be better at making my points punchier so that I can raise awareness for mental health issues and help others on a larger scale.

But more to the point, I am proud of my journey, and one day I will use it to help others.

My next lesson of “it’s okay to talk about it”, is very similar. So obviously I don’t mean that everyone should make every conversation to be about mental health and negatives but a simple “I am not feeling so great today” is okay. To reach out for help, is okay. Even to share your achievements and thoughts of gratitude is okay. They have always said “a problem shared is a problem halved” and like you would discuss a broken leg with your relatives, you should feel that it is okay to tell them about your ‘broken’ mind. A key part of depression, anxiety and other similar illnesses is a deep sense of loneliness. Convincing yourself that you have to keep your problems to yourself will just deepen the rut that you feel your in.

Like me, you may be surprised at how much people are actually willing to help. It will probably even shock you the number of people who will respond with the words “I feel the same”.

Through finally letting myself talk, I have learnt that pretty much every person in my life has had their own struggle whether it is with their appearance, size, the odd low mood, feeling anxious or alone. Just because social media creates the perception that everyone has their lives together (after all people rarely post about the ‘bad days’), you’d be amazed at the internal struggles everyone has faced.

Talking can help you feel less alone and everyone deserves that, you may even find that it opens new doors in your life of people you can support and people who want to support you. Most friends would rather you told them what was wrong than for you to avoid ‘hassling’ them and end up pushing them away.

My final lesson, which more people really need to live by is that “throughout life, it will always be the little things that bring the greatest of joys”. Too often people are preoccupied with the need to be rich, have a big house, basically have it all. Don’t get me wrong I am even guilty of it. Through most of my childhood I had ridiculous aspirations, I was a massive overachiever and I was striving for jobs that would have given me luxuries but not happiness. Everyday I was too busy looking forward to the next thing, “I can’t wait till I am a teenager”, “I can’t wait till I am 18 and allowed to legally drink”, “I can’t wait to go to university, get a job.” It is so easy to forget to live.

Especially when something like depression hits, the constant strive for the ‘best’ future can actually become daunting. People end up forgetting to enjoy the moment striving for the perfect next stage of life that they’re never really content. It can seem like a constant uphill battle which is where the next quote is important.

“Never get so busy making a living, that you forget to make a life.”

Only through losing my mind and almost my life did I realise that my aspirations were not what I wanted. They were what the money hungry, appearances based society made me think I wanted. I wasn’t happy with them. I got to the point where I had nothing to work for. At last though I am reaching a state of contentment because I have realised that my idea of a life is okay even if it is not the standard one and by doing so I am now abler to focus on the now, which I believe you can too.

Like today, I was over the moon because the lady in Greggs bakery gave me a free hot chocolate. Some people would say “why were you so happy, it’s just a hot chocolate?” But it isn’t. It was an act of generosity, a random good thing of the day. In appreciating the little things, you can appreciate life for what it is and not just for what you’re made to believe it should be.

Even find yourself a hobby that you love like my pottery painting, to ground yourself and to focus on the little moments because it is important to find enjoyment I everyday life and to not lose sense of who you are. You won’t sit there and think “my thirteenth birthday was great because I had the biggest house to throw it in” you sit there and you remember the smile you got from a certain friend or the yumminess of the cake. The littlest of joys will always be the best and the most important.

I really do apologise for the length of this post… it is 2/5 of the way to being an EPQ (oops). But I felt like it was important. I have spent a lot of the past couple of weeks reflecting. Reflecting on my achievements and how I have grown as a person. And all I want now is for others to know that they should never have to feel alone or like they are stuck in a rut. I will happily talk to anyone and just be a friend because I know myself how much that can help even if I am not a professional. It is easy to get caught up in a mental illness, but the thing you have to remember is that you’re so incredibly brave for trying.

Note: For some people this post may have been a tad confusing because it came out of no where. But others may remember that I used to have a blog with a lot of followers where I would post anything. I hadn’t actually publicly talked about my problems for months as I felt uncomfortable and I was stuck in a bad place. However, upon many reflective drunken nights and long conversations with people I have come to realise that I am in the best place that I have been in a long time. So in a way this is an update for those who used to read my posts (even though I didn’t realise they did) and my way of hopefully starting the next chapter of my life where I can start to raise awareness for mental health issues and to help others.