Iām just venting, but itās a long one
So I thought I liked this guy that is younger than me... I still donāt know if I do or did
Heās literally the male version of me but I donāt feel the same butterflies, or dress up for him, Iām not embarrassed to laugh too loud or eat in front of him so I just really donāt know
But I get slightly irritated when he talks to me about other girls, or he hangs out with other girls...
Anyways, heās acting all stand offish and weird to me so Iām literally giving up on guys younger or the same age as me... Iām used to the older guy heart break because I always subconsciously know itās never gonna happen anyways lol...
Something just doesnāt feel right about having a younger guy breaking my heart... like... I feel embarrassed by it you know???
Idk... Iām just venting to whoever is reading this because Iāve been super lonely lately...
20 years on this planet and not one guy thatās cared about me, wanted to get to know me as a person, to kiss me, hug me, or anything...
Like idk whatās wrong with me. I have no guys even trying to text, snap, talk to me for the last 2 & 1/2 years ... but Iāve had feelings for so many and not one ever reciprocated to my knowledge....
I donāt think Iām that ugly... Iām not the prettiest girl there is but not ugly.
Ive maintained 95% of my friendships Iāve ever made where we were actually close with one another so, I donāt think itās my personality...
I mean obviously my chances have been slim because 9/10 the guy I like is way older and unavailable... but thereās been at least 3-4 guys my own age Iāve liked and not one ever saw the light of day...
Idk... Iām just scared cuz like ... 20 years went by this fast and Iāll be 30 in 10 years... whoās to say I wonāt be alone for the next 10 and I just literally live my life alone. Not kissed, not hugged, not married, not loved.
Iām already so behind on everything that Iām just scared itāll never happen because of either me or the universe...
Like what if I die at the same romantic level of a 12 year old?
And itās not even like I make up for it in other areas of my life... literally all I do is go to school, work, home, and the gym. I donāt travel or have exotic passions or hobbies.
Iām essentially just a robot repeating the same 4 things over and over again.
Iām wasting my life away and I donāt even know when, where, or how to start fixing it.
Ever since I was a child, things were always rough for me mentally with my anxiety and depression and I always had this feeling that God put someone on this earth just for me to help me become a happy healthy person, but Iāve just been nothing but alone my entire life. And I know Iām still young, but time is going by so quickly and idk.
Maybe Iām meant to be alone. Like thereās some bigger meaning for me and itās my journey to conquer alone. Cuz even tho I said earlier thAt I felt like god put somebody on this earth for me, the feeling was still vague... I never pictured myself married to anyone ... like even if I imagined myself with a child (which was rare) I was always a single mother in that vision... and my parents have been together my whole life so single parenthood isnāt something Iām familiar with.
Because as much as I feel lonely, the thought of depending on someone and someone depending on me emotionally is so fucking terrifying.... so maybe thatās why I only fall for emotionally and physically unavailable men such as older married guys.
So im probably subconsciously self sabotaging...
If you read all of this, bless ur heart ā¤ļø thanks for listening... I know it wasnāt all that TCC related but... I just needed to write my feelings out.