Meh

well, so im not very good at this adult thing; 

I was invited to a wedding, and I was like super excited for them. I chose something from their gift registry. it was a bit pricey, but I have money cause at the time of purchase i was living at home rent free. 

anyway, a month goes by and the wedding has been reduced because of covid so now im just invited to the livestream. and im like whew i won’t have to carry the gift up the hill to the church. 

I was telling mum about it, and she was like is that the present upstairs, and i was like year, it was only like $120, and mum was like Wow, thats a lot to spend on a wedding present. like, she basically told me off for buying it, saying that it was too much for a wedding that i didn’t make the short list for. 

But I think now especially since lockdown. I miss my friends. Like I have seen them. But I just feel like. We could all be hanging out. But if I wasn’t there. The vibe wouldn’t really change.

An example is that one of my friends had a surprise party planned for her. For her 23rd. There is nothing big about turning 23. Mostly because I have a sad 23rd birthday.

But never do people ever go. Hey let’s plan something for her. Let’s all get together to celebrate her.

I’m always the one trying to Organise things. But when it’s just to hang out. They pull out because they have something else to do. Am I really not a priority. Is there really something Better

If I stopped. I would get sad

If I stopped they might not start it

None of my friends are ever around

I barely get any presents cause it’s so close to Christmas

So deep down I really hate my birthday. Worst day of the year

What day is that

New Year’s Day

But. It was to this guy who is my friend. But

Like it was weird he was like sleeping in a dog house. Which I don’t have. And when I told him. I started with. I love you. And when he looked shocked I was like. But I’m pregnant and it’s yours. And then he was confused.

Then there is like a jump cut to us hanging out with friends and I just go in for a kiss. And then go into for another one.

Also telling my mother was interesting.

It’s coming up to 6 years since I left Highschool. I’m basically at the high stage of my parents cool slang words like

But here’s the thing. I have no idea where my head is at. My friend will be like who are you crushing on. And honestly I don’t know if I really am. Cause like. There is this guy who is probably my favourite person. But it’s literally only when I’m around him when my brain is thinking. Why can’t he love me? Then there was another guy who I thought I liked. But I asked him out ( oosh big move) and well he rejected me and was like I don’t really see you in that way. Which is totally fair. So I guess I have given that up and just tried to grow our friendship again and not message him with every thought that I ever had...( it’s actually terrible I need to stop). Then there is a guy who I haven’t seen in like 5 years. Like we were friends. But we lost contact. And now we have hung out a few times. We get on well. It’s nice. He is easy going. And basically up for anything. But then there is another guy. Who I haven’t seen in like 9 years. He was like a childhood friend. And I think that he ended up liking me. But I didn’t even realize. Any way we have started talking again. And it’s nice. But then out of nowhere. My dream last night. Involved this completely other guy. My childhood crush. In my dream. Showing me how to do his job. I hanging around instead of enjoying the fire works. One thing I must add. Is that in real life he has rather long hair. But in my dream he had actually cut it. Like he had a bit of a top knot. But the sides where like a number 2 shave. And I noticed that. And touched his head. ( weird) anyway. In the dream he generally seemed interested in me. I even went back to his place and had dinner with his family. Oddly enough another one of my friends was there. And when she offered to drive me home in Jumped in and said that actually he wanted to drive me home.