HA-penis

I have no words to write. I have no clue what to say. I just feel like shit, like drawning. I just want to crawl in a bowl and cry. I don’t know what to think or what to believe. And I don’t want to think about. But than I can’t move on. And I know that my period is coming up and that this sadness could be because of that. That this feels so overwhelmed. But I’m scared that that isn’t the case. I’m scared of what I will learn. And I hope it is not true and nothing happend. But I don’t know for sure. And that makes it scary. That I can’t trust my head at the moment. Something I always rely on. I kinda wish she didn’t asked me this. That that couldn’t be an option. But to be true, I have no clue. I just feel so confused and lost. As if everything is a lie. And maybe it is nothing. But than why am I so scared? I don’t know what to believe. Or what to say. I feel tired. I want all the distractions I can get. But than again I can’t move forward without asking the question. I don’t believe they would know anything. I just can’t believe it.

But than again, life is fucked up and messy. And knowing my life, it isn’t a strange idea. I just wish that for once something was simple. And that I just can life and think about noting else than that. To just life. 

Hello,

How are you? I’m feeling sad. Sad because nothing is going the way that I wanted to be. And maybe I hoped that this was going to be easier. But it isn’t. Being happy is maybe a lie.  I just feel bad. I have no clue what to do. It feels like people wont try for me.  It feels taht the only person who sets me before himself is Sem. No other person does something for me. They say the will. But I have to keep reminding them and pushing them to do it. It never comes naturaly.  Is this just life? That  you always have to push and fight. Will there ever be a time that sometimes works for me. That I don’t have to be the only person who has to do things for me. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and is this the way of life. That there is no one there who will help you. There is just you.  And yes I can keep asking. But if therenever comes an awnser or I only get dissapointed. Why should I keep trying?  I keep getting dissapointed of others. Maybe I should stop asking for help. Stop thinking that others will do something for you. But I don’t know. It feels like others keep telling my that I should ask help. But When I aks help, help mostely won’t come. And I don’t know why this keeps happening. 

Being happy is something I can’t really understand.  Sometimes trying is not enough. Than what is? I don’t know what to do? Sometimes it feels like problems can’t be solved. And it all is getting worse. Like why am I sad lately. Like why do I feel like this? Why am I so sad? And if I just be sad. Like than what? 

I don’t get it. It feels like I need so much help. And I am so scared to ask for it. And when I ask for help, people forget about me or give up.  I just want it to be okay. I want to do things I love. Why is that so hard?

I don’t want to feel like this. 

I just don’t know what to do with it. How to deal with it.

Just another sad week or month I don’t know. It feels like this will never stop. Maybe I just have to learn that it is just it. It wont get better. 

So how are you?

Something to tell? Something to make me forget about this? 

There is a lot happening in the world right now. The first thing that happend and is still happening is the coronavirus. And second the uprise of the black lifes matter. And ofcourse there is still your own daily life.

So how are you handeling this all? It is quiet a lott isn’t it? My head is overprocesing.

Before all of this life was already enough for me. And with all of this it is getting more of it. Yes I do struggle some times with is. Because no I didn’t get sick or new someone personal who got sick and no I am not black but I did grow up with racism.

Before all of this I all ready struggled with my mentalhealth. Because of everything what already was happening in my personal life was too much. I started going to a psycolagist. Because I wanted to go forward again and I didn’t know how to do it. I learned that my thoughs can control my emotions. I learned that my thoughs are not all truth. I Learned that I was the parent of my parent and that I tried to be everyones parent. And that left my without one. And I felt lonely because of that.

And than came corona. We went in a lockdown in no time. We kept seeing the deadrate going higher and higher. We kept seeing people who were really il and ofher being overworked. And the only thing that we could do is stay home and keep in touch with other people trough a scream. And it was okay to do this. We don’t want people to die and we don’t want overworked people. So a lot of us listed and stayed home.

Working at home and living 24/7 with someone is something you have to get used to. In the begining it was fun because it was new. But than it started to get lonely and the days were just days and I didn’t really live. And I will all do it again if it is needed. But it was and still is hard. And still not knowing when this will be over or if it ever is getting over is scary. We can only wait till the profesionals know more.

And than another black persons life is taken again from a white policemen. And it was enough. When will there be a day that every human is treated the same. Sta ding up against this together is amazing. Everyone who helps and tries to help is amazing. Because some people still get not treated as other people. And that is not a world we want anymore. It doesn’t mean that others get less. No we all get the same. No one is better or worse than someone else. We should be a we and not them and we. And I think that black life matters. I do think that it shouldn’t matter who you love or what gender you are. It shouldn’t matter how old you are or where you grew up or who your family is. The only thing that should matter is love. It should matter to treat everyone the same and to leave no one left alone. We need eachother. We need the world to life on. We need to be and work together. 

So much happens all the time. Live in the moment they say. But is it okay to proces this all. To stand still to what is still happening. To stand still to what was good and nice. And to what was bad and need to get better. We will make mistakes. We keep learning. We keep procesing things. Nothing is made in one day.

But work means keeping it in mind. And not forgetting.

In our lives so much does happen. Big things but also verry small things. And all of that makes us questioning everything or not.

I really only know how I function and how I think about things. Sometimes I don’t even know how I see things. Sometimes I don’t understand things. Sometimes I make mistakes. But is that wrong? I think as long as you keep learning and trying you keep going forward. 

A lott of things in life keeps getting stuck. Things still keep being the same. Because we keep forgetting because we are not reminded everyday of the things that happen. Some do keep reminded everyday. They have to live that life. 

It is sad that people still don’t act like all people are people. And that we ass  human all want to live. We all want to have a ‘normal’ life. Some get the oppertunity to, some can just live and some have to fight so hard that the don’t survive it. 

But what can we do? We can talk about it. We can educate ourself and others. We can listen and help. But will this ever be enough? Will there ever be a time that is won’t care who you are if you just are a ‘good’ person. Just a good will to learn. And it won’t matter where you grew up, how you look or who you love. It really shouldn’t matter. Why do we want to devide if we need to be together. We all live in one world. We are one spicy. How can we not live in hormany?

I just don’t understand why we are so diffecult. 

Why do we drawn to a typ of person?

My psychologist told me that I skipped being a child and skipped puberty. I don’t feel like I belong in parties and I always chose the right things to do. I follow the rules and think about how others feel. I don’t often feel a connection to other people. I feel like I don’t belong somewhere. The only time I feel like I belong somewhere is when I teach. I can get paniced when people around me do normal student things. While I’m still  a student too. I’m stil 21. 

When she told me this, I understood why I get so paniced. And why I don’t feel comfortable with people my age. And why I haven’t felt comfortable at an age of fourteen. 

But the strange thing is. Is that my boyfriend is the total opposite. He was the normal teen. He tried knew things. Tried all kinds of drugs. Went out en didn’t give a damn about anything. Didn’t care what the  consequences where. He just lived. 

That subject is a thing we discuss a lot. Because in my head I already am an adult of age. And he is still a teen/student. 

But I actualy want to be like him. I want to be carefree. I want to not think about others or the future. But I have the feeling that when you start thinking about those things than it will be hard to turn that around. For me it is hard. I feel like I can’t forget. Because I am scared that it will make it all worse.

But I am drawn to people who are free. People who do what they want. Say whatever they want. And just don’t care about the rest. Just do what you like and make mistakes. 

I think we drawn to people that we want to be. People who can make us whole. The puzzle has to fit. And that doesn’t say that there is only one person that you are drawn too. My best friend is that way to. I like her because she just lives her life too. And I appreciate that. 

I think I need people around me who are not me. Who can make me feel alive. And I will be the caretaker for them. And that is okay. That is the role we took in live. 

Ijust don't want to think them. Maybe if I write it down it will go. But what if it doen't.

let just richt it down.

so here are some scary thoughs I drinkt want to think.

I think it is beter for me to not do Andy drugs ever again. Because I am schred that onze dag I cant controle myself. I am schred of myself. Thomsen thoughs of taken them when I feel bad is wrong.

Also sex. Sex is something that I see as love. Not as lust. you maybe will never understand me. But I still find it special. It doesn't feel special when everything turnster you on and it needs to be done. I don't want it to be normal. Just like eating, going to work blabla. The life stuff that I don't feel like living.

And sex feels like just comming and done. And when you cant come or I don't coma it is nog good. I think that I don't knop how it feels how to come. Why do we need to be so focesed om that. Instead of loving eacher, touching and love.

It feels like I have to do it.

It just doesn't feel lovable at all.

Peope  who ignore. That is something I will never understand. And maybe because my parents ignored me and the facts. I just can’t stand it. It is just the fucking truth. You can’t change that. I just don’ understand. Ignorence is fcking stupid. I don’t understnad why you would do it. Facts are facts. What do you nit understand? I just wont get it. I am this way because of ingnorence from others. I felt how it is to jujst be ignored. To know how ignorence can fuck up everything what it beautiful in life. Because if we all just worked around the facts. It probably all would be fine.

And maybe because I wont understand feelings facts is all I do have. I will still think that feelings makes us stupid.

I will shut up. You all will probsby tell me you only life once and I shouldn’t be a negative person. That facts aren’t true.

Sad, but I can’t cry Family, but no home Friends, but no fun Mind, but no soul

Parents who think they give a fuck but actualy don’t. Parents who aren’t parents at all. I think they never will be the parent I need, because they just can’t. Maybe I am too hard to others. But the thing is I always hope that they will do better. BUt people mostley of the time wont. I as an eample think I am trying but I have no clue if I really am. They say the awnsers are on the table but I can’t reach them. And dont tell me that it i can not can. Because mentally I can’t. I feel to weak to reach it. They tell me I am not alone. BUt always in the end I will be. And that is okay. We can be selfish I probable am too.  But why is it still so hard? I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around others. I want to, but I don’t. I don’t know what I want anymore. I do sometimes wish it just all stoped for a moment. But what than?  I always want to learn and otherstand. But what if there is nothing to really understand? I wish that it was easy.  I wish I could say what I think and how I feel about it. But everytime I do. It never works in my favour. And maybe after a while it does. But the pain is still there. And it feels like pain and fear is all I can really feel. There is no joy. No fun and not living.  I just want to live. It is not that simple for me so stop saying that.  Maybe it sound so crazy for others but I just can’t live. Be carefree. I don’t know how it feels to life like that. To just exsist.  I am afraid that it won’t get better.  And  I know life has ups and downs. And blablabla being affraid is stupid. But? I can’t feel but what I feel is wrong?? It is just like so confusing.  What do others want from me? What do I want? I wish I had other parents. Or at least some one who could take all the scary things in life a way. But in reality there is no one. I need to be my caretaker. The rol of a parent isn’t in my life. I am alone. I know not alone. But i have no place to go when things go wrong. If you will ever break upp with me or die. I will be alone. Because no one will be there for me. To pick me up. Because I am the one who can pick me up. And I am tired of doing that. I probably will try. But in the end. We all need love. Or else life isn’t worth it.  Selflove It is not that I hate myself. I am trying my best to take care of my body but I have no clue how to take care of me. How should I know that?? I miss school. To go up in a crowd but to belong somewhere. Because I dont belong with my family how hard I wiil try. It will never be like it should be. Maybe that is why I became a teacher to be there for kids who also have no parent to take care for them. Because it fucking sucks to have parents like this. Just parents who ignore that you are a child.

I wish I could take my mind t smewhere elsee. But I have no one to talk, no where to go and I can’t give meself something to fall asleep.  It is sad.

And i don’t want to be this depressed but i just am. And that is okay. It is okay to feel like nothing will make it better. 

Words mean so much to me.  home is something so special. Because feeling safe and at home isn’t normal. So many people grow up with no safe home. And it fucking suck.

I am scared of the future. That is why I don’t believe in thinking about the future. You never know what will happen every second that isn’t now.

I don’t know what I want. But this right now is something I just don’t want. I really wish I could go away from here becaue everything here sucks. 

Maybe if you move someday but you probably wouldn’t because you are to lazy. 

I just keep writting because I have nothing else.

It is just sad.

Home as a child is importend. A place fr a child to feel save. A place for a child to be a child. A home were there is space to make mistakes and learn from it. A home were the caretakeres of the child responds to the need of a child. 

When you miss one of those things, you will find some things hard as a child without sometimes even notice. At school you are that kid who asks much attention good or bad, attention is attetnion. 

Or you will be that kid who asks noting to scared to make mistakes.

That kid who is different from the rest.

That kid who doesn’t care what others think and do things no matter what the consequences are. 

But those childeren actualy can;t do noting about the way they act. Because there home isn’t a home were they learn how to behave. 

And now as I grow up I still see that my parents still lack parenting skills. I don’t blame them for making me who I am. In some way it made me who I am today.

I miss a childhood. There is a hole in me that won’t be whole of the lake it has. I wont get my hildhood back. I can’t go back in time. What I can try is to mourn my lost. And give it an other something to make is whole again.

Maybe the reason why I always wanted to be a teacher is to help the kids who feel the same way. maybe to be there adult who does listen and takes time to help. And helps you trough mistakes. That someone does care.

I found my place at school when I was younger. I was good in learning and making people like me was something that just happend. I always had ‘friends’. afterwards I think they never realy were friends. A few really were but a lot of those people just were there. Or maybe I always felt out of place, different.

Home.

A word I didn’t understand when I was younger. Often I was ashemed of what I had to call my home. My  parents always wanted to be the cool parents and others though that they were the cool parents. But the actauly weren’t.   I always saw Irelandd as a way to esape this pllace. To find my own home and to make a new life where there are no memories of thing that didn’t work out.

Now I have found a home in a person. Something I didn’t expect. But it is so nice to have. I think he still doesn’t get what he does to me and for me. I know I lack things in my life and I hope I can learn how to be better. I hope you will understand it and just be there for me.

I find it hard to do things lately or think straight. In a way that I noe know things and understand things I didn’t before. And the question that keeps going trough my mind is. Is this what I want? Does did makes me happy? Do I really want to do this? Is it my fault that I am changing? I understand that people have to have time to see the new me I guess. But what is more importened? Doing what you want or make others happy?

Do my so called friends really know me at all? Because I feel like I am going around making them happy. But I get nothing in return? Not even the little things. 

Do they don’t except me for who I am? Or are the ignorened to even get to know me? Is it my fold that people not realy know me? I know that I am hard to read for peope who not realy know me. Even my parents can’t read me. And yes I built a masker. And I know I still don’t tell things. But I do tell things. Things I feel that have a start in a conversation that will late to the real thing. But they never ask. 

I do not understand.

I am also scared.

Do I still keep people away from me? I am changeing slowly I know. But I tell more than I ever did before. And still you are the only one who responds. 

Maybe that’s why I feel like something is wrong with me. That’s why I still keep little things to myself. That’s why I am still scared.

I feel so isolated. And in a way I am the problem. But I am not the only problem. 

I find it hard that everything you want to make better has to come from you, because no one else will.

I don’t know if they just don’t see it. Or are to unknown of the situetion. 

But I feel like I am caring everything on my back. It is like if I don’t do a thing about id no one will. 

I got to shit. Others too.

But how does it come that I see that oter people are who they are because of the shit they got trough. But they won’t see it in me. Want even try and be there for me. Not the idea of me. 

I feel like other people like the idea of me. But not really me. They see the me they want to see, but the don’t know the real me. Even after all these years.

But I feel like I knoow them well.

Why do I think so much.

So understanding. I as a person I want to understand thins. If I want to change something I will educated myself. I want to understand what I wil be doind. Not just voor myself but also for the world around me. What effect do I have on the world around me. 

It doesn’t matter if I will make a diference. It has to do with just doing it. If you want to change something, just do it. Don’t wait for motivation. Motivation will never come flying around to you. Maotivation starts with you. It starts with doing it. Even if it is just to inform you of your new thing. You are doing something. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. You just have to begin.

And I find it hard to understand why you can’t just do it. Why can’t you start? What is holding you back? Trying to understand why you won’t begin is alredy a beginning. 

Do you really want it? Will it be good for you? Will it be fun? What do you want? If you know what you want. What is holdong you back than? You can make your own descisions. You have to choose if yu are willing to make that change. N one else can make that choice for you. We can hand you help. But if you don’t want to take it. Do you really want it than?

Don’t be afraind you can’t do it. If you won’t try you will never know. Ofourse it won’t go the way that you had planned it. But at the end you wil find what makes you happy. 

Your goals can change. Because life changes everyday. The world keeps spinning. You keep learning things. You keep having new experience. It all will come in you path. The good and the bad. Embrace it. Because if you will do nothing. Than the good won’t come either. You have to experience bad to know what is good. 

The world. It is all we have. This planet full of different things. Millions ways of life. But what is it all? What does it al mean? when do you life the fullest?Should we know everything? CAn we know everything?  Does it matter what I will do? Are we significant small? Or are we a big deal. Or just regular? What is all of this?

Convused is what I am. And probably always will be. What is it with humans that we can’t think and research nothing. Why is it that wel all have an idea f good, but everyone has an other dea of it. And is research than true? Because we human always have an opinion on everything. What’s wrong what’s right? Does it even matter?