nachos for days

me: [gets scared by text notifications when they’re too loud]

me: [easily startled when people tap me on the shoulder]

me: [cries under any sort of pressure ever]

me: [cries when anyone raises their voice higher than their average volume]

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me:

God Creating Spiders

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

God Creating Kittens

God: make them fluffy & adorable like little furry hugs

Angel: that’s so swee….

God: And put razor blades on their feet

God Creating Mosquitos

God: I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces…

God Creating Bees

God: Put a needle on it’s bum

Angel: Come on God, what –

God: Make it’s puke delicious

Angel: What the hell!!!

God Creating Praying Mantis

God: Make an insect that does karate

Angel: Okay…

God: Now make it bite her husband’s head off

Angel: Dude, we need to talk

God Creating Dogs

God: Oh these turned out great. I’m going to want all of these back at some point

God Creating Pandas

God: Cow bears

Angel: What?

God: Did I stutter?

Angel: ??

God: Take a cow and make it a bear

God Creating Snakes

God: How about a sock that’s angry all the time

God Creating Alligators

God: See that log?

Angel: Yeah?

God: Fill it with teeth

Angel: Say again?

God: FILL IT!

God Creating Jellyfish

God: How about an evil bag?

God Creating Parrots

Me: nothing…

dad: daddy?

baby: destroy capitalism