a1i3n

Life is an asshole and then you die. When you are at the left edge of the bed. When you are at the opposite end of the table across from someone. In the lost trust of your mother to the unknown whereabouts of your father.

From becoming a bitch to being a bitch. Life is an asshole– that's all I can say. From thanksgiving dinner tables to champagne problems. With money troubles and guilt tripping.

I don't think I ever had a peaceful moment when it comes to parents. It all suddenly has become my problem and the best way to enter my mother's heart was through a man. Never through motherhood or self. It seems like it has manifested in a sense of not knowing how to breath to I can't live without you. Its either all or nothing.

Then I sit there. In silence, not because I'm upset but because of the disrespect. Don't you ever want to hold your tongue so bad that you just want to chop it off for how you could come across.

When falls comes around I know it has taken over my life by the way the leaves start to fall down below my knees.

When no one is around, it’s the only moment I can actually start to let go with the witty whispers summon above my head asking me if I’m still shivering due to the touch of coldness.

It seems like this type of presence looms around in the shadows when the veil seems thin and I can still touch it in its hands when it asks me if this is what I been looking for.

My eyes search for the glimpse of faith and hope in the air that may exist in the darkness of the night when I’m alone with it. Will it feel like regret or pleasure?

The mysterious lore that is behind our story has to be studied because why is it that when I call you simply arrive like a bee to a hive where the queen rests.

After all these years, you ask is it possible that I am still here and have I changed?

(Have you changed?)

(Have you changed?)

I don’t know where the night takes us but I can’t promise you that I still have desire for the other man.

When was the last time I had my tantrum, was I too young to remember or was I told to never?