a flower grown, beyond the stone🥀

Everything was building up until it grew harder and harder to click that closet door shut. You’d push back, putting more energy into making sure it all didn’t burst open like a riptide wiping out the shore. Every day that fight grew harder.

The worst part was you weren’t even alone in this. You had people by your side that would happily help you organize your mess of a closet but you were ashamed of the clutter. Ashamed of how bad you let your closet get.

So instead of confiding in someone you let it grow heavy on your shoulders, your back aching for some relief.

Sitting alone in your apartment you began to think of all the items you had locked away. Tears welling in your eyes as you reminded yourself of every event that made you feel like a fuck up, a failure.

It wasn’t long before the door swung open and everything came spilling around you, leaving you sitting in the middle of the floor with all of your toys and clothes weighing heavy upon you.

It has been awhile, since you lost control of your emotions. The last time you remembered feeling this hopeless was years ago, and it was then that you promised yourself you’d never feel that way again. Just one more item to stuff away.

With eyes hazing from the tears you reached to your phone to text the only person you trusted enough to get you through this.

1:02AM: hey. are you up?

1:03AM: Of course I’m up, when do I ever sleep? You on the other hand should be in bed right now.

1:04AM: it’s hard to sleep.

1:05AM: What do you mean, lovebug? All you have to do is get comfy and close your eyes.

1:05AM: I have too many thoughts to do that right now.

1:06AM: Alright. What’s wrong? Talk to me.

1:07AM: I’ll be okay… I’ll text you in the morning, goodnight.

1:08AM: Bullshit.

1:09AM: Hello? Don’t think I won’t come over there.

1:10AM: I have a key, you know.

You wanted to respond back and tell him you were truly fine but your silence was a cry for help. It was you waving the white flag and succumbing to the fact you no longer wanted to isolate yourself.

Josh was always such a loyal friend to you, since childhood he had been glued to your side and never once made you feel bad for speaking your mind. He was always there for you, and now in your adulthood he still was.

But it wasn’t the same. It never is the same is it? Growing older means growing apart and forming separate lives from the people you once clung to. Watching them find their new shiny toys to play with as you reminisced on what it used to be like.

Sobbing. With a heavy chest it took every ounce of strength to keep breathing as you laid curled up in your bed. Alone.

You weren’t sure how much time had passed before the metallic click of the front lock opened and triggered your hands to fly up to your face to wipe the tears away. A feeble attempt as nothing could reduce the puffiness in your eyes. The light blue sheets now darkened with your tears.

“Lovebug?” His calming voice called out softly, soon followed by the creaking of the hardwood floor as he took steps towards your bedroom.

“In here.” The response was weak and pitiful, but it was a response nonetheless.

When his honey brown eyes locked upon your bloodshot one’s, his heart shattered. It was immediate, the way he kicked off his shoes by the door and walked to your side of the bed.

“I’m coming in.” He prepared you, lifting the comforter off of your warmed skin to sneak between it and the mattress. His clothing felt cool upon yours, and came as a relief as it instantly took some of the heat away from you. “What do you need right now? To let it all out or for me to just hold you.”

There was a second where you pondered both options, and landed on the easiest of the two. “Hold me, please.”

“Your wish is my command.” Josh snuggled closer to you, his chin digging into your hair as his other hand looped around to hold the back of your head. He placed many gentle kisses against your crown, occasionally letting his fingers play with the tangles of your hair.

It was in the way he could touch you so lovingly yet so innocently. The way he could comfort and smooth you. It made it feel like you had the cleanest closet in the world.

“Josh…” you whisper, almost regretting breaking the silence.

He met you with a gentle “hmm” and you could feel the vibrations from his throat against your cheek.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Your hand lowered to loop around his back and pull him closer “without you I’d have no one.”

“That is not true, lovebug.” He pulled back a little to hold your face within his hand and force you to look up into his eyes. “You are so loved by many. Your family loves you, your friends adore you. I love you. Our lives would not be nearly as fulfilled if you would have never come along.”

“Yeah but-“

“Yeah but nothing. You hold yourself to impossibly high standards and wonder why the weight makes you come crashing down. Would you ever hold me to those standards?”

“No… it’s unreasonable.” You squeak out, not wanting to admit he was right.

“Then you need to stop doing it to yourself. I get it, trust me. Wanted to be perfect and never let anyone down. But at the end of the day when you refuse to let anyone down all you’re doing is letting yourself down. You have to show up for yourself.”

You sighed and nuzzled your way back down into Josh’s collarbone, his heart beat bouncing against your nose. “I know…”

“We’re all just spirits floating along trying to make the best out of this world. To be a part of nature and life. You have to let go of those struggles and realize no one is close to perfect. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect. And in a way that makes us special.”

“Thank you.” It’s weak but you still managed to get it out enough where he could hear you.