Uniwrites

You don’t know the time currently but it could be dawn, another sleepless night, they became frequent these past few months; the inability to close your eyes and just rest, it seems easy yet so hard to do for you just like other stuff that are hard for you, only for you…… All you want was to just lay on your large bed, cover yourself with thick layers of blankets and just abandon the cruel world you live in for a moment of peace and quiet in a land unshackled by your current reality, a land where your brother is alive, where you two would hug each other under a tree covered in white snow watching the aurora in trails of green and blues dancing together like waves in the middle of ocean, you miss seeing it more than you’d like to admit…or maybe you miss watching it with him…

These thoughts have consumed your entire being for long years it became what you always think of, you do not know how you survived until now, and what is even more confusing is if you survived because of the fond memories of him or your survival is in critical danger because of the pain that follows these memories…you just cling to the feelings really, you do not care about how much sanity you are losing, why bother when you are just a husk of the bright person you used to be? A sun turned cold rock floating through space filled with bright stars far away for you to reach, maybe he was the sun that illuminated you and her world, you laugh bitterly at the thought that maybe you two aren’t that different from each other.

You are snapped out of your thoughts at the knock on the door, after you mumble a weak “you may enter” your personal maid quietly opens the door and enters, she bows to you and mutter a meek good morning before she starts to attend to your needs, helping you get out of bed, not that you can’t do it yourself you just don’t have a reason to other then obligation and duty, she brushes your hair, help you pick an outfit for the day and just follows you around all day in any case you need her help with anything; only so few things that you need her help with so you either sit in the palace library or just sit in the gardens and enjoy the closest thing to being free possible without her presence.

She should know how you feel, She should try to make you happy again, why can’t she ? why every time she looks at your eyes, she only finds the same cold, dead stare she knows all to well when looking in the mirror or the ice coating her room, she lived for 5 centuries and witnessed countless calamities and snow storms more then anyone can handle like her, she had to crush her heart in a coat of ice so she can look up to them and declare her war against them, against an order that took so much from her, her lover, her son, her child’s smile……no, that last one was her own fault……her sole fault as a mother.

She cannot remember the last time she saw you skipping through the palace, talking to anyone as if they are your friend, laughing, singing, painting, dancing, anything that your lovely child’s brain can conjure up you would try it, and even drag her out of her duty forcefully so you can show her your new talent, and even when she’s busy you would take care your twin brother…yes, it started from him, both of you loved him so much the heavens above would’ve fall under its power, love of a sibling and a mother is a power nobody can face against no matter how strong they are, love is a weapon wielded in the name of others, you hold onto it with all your might and kill whoever tries to take it from you, love can make the kindest people devils cannot be recognize, can make the strongest rulers an insect wishing to be held tenderly, can make the most loving people the most cold blooded, the last one is her, she loved with everything she had even if her face never shown it, her warmth was something you basked in with a blinding smile and starry eyes, loved her kisses on your forehead, her gentle hands healing your knee when you fall trying to impress her, her beautiful voice singing lullabies from a long time ago, all of this she did for you also did it for your brother too, she loved him just as much…do you believe it still ?

He was a kind soul, untouched by this world’s bloodstained terrains, by the vengeful dragons, by hateful monsters, by corrupted souls, she made sure you two wouldn’t be subjected to the world she witnessed, the truth of it she herself couldn’t handle, and just tried to keep a small warm place in the corner of her heart where you two are, her own escape from the cold unforgiving reality you two born in, sometimes she blamed herself for giving birth to two angels in a world full of demons, but she vowed to keep this world bright for only you two, so with your own presence beside her she marched as a ruler that loved everyone equally, especially her two twin stars she was blessed with, but that all changed when that calamity came, when she was forced to witness a nation’s fall, when she witnessed her own lover, your father, die at the hands of the order, and she hates how she cannot remember him, she cannot even remember his face, only through your brother can she do that, and so the scale has been broken.

She hated herself for who she is, an archon, a puppet controlled by those above to do as they please, and so she hated the mirror that is her own child. You, she hated you because you are the exact same copy of her, her hand became harsher when she held your wrist every time you made a mistake, her words became sharper then knives when you behave not according to her own liking, yet you saw how she is with your twin brother, always had that smile that was for you both now only shown for him.

Am I not also your child? Just like him ?

Did you hate your brother? Never, did you wish she could look at you like a mother again? yes, did you hate how she only became a mother when your brother was near? very much.

Did you wish he could disappear? yes.

Did you think that if he would die, she would have no other choice but love you? yes.

How could you ever wished for something so cruel, upon someone that never gave up every time you gave him a cold shoulder, every time you slapped his hand away, he loved you so much to look at all the wounds you inflicted upon him in a moment of rage, went against his mother’s order to see you again, to hug you close when he found you crying, the only warm hands and embrace you had left now is gone, and how did you feel ? wishing all the worst fates to befall him just so you could feel her warm embrace again, you felt horrible, you felt like a monster, you felt…..as if you were her.

You did not want to be like her, you wanted to be better, you promised yourself you would, but it was too late, they took him, and left you in a palace that never heard a genuine laugh, that never saw flowers bloom, that never saw a sunshine of a boy who loved his mother and sibling to the moon and back.

Now here you are, just a shell of ice so fragile that any wind can shatter you to pieces, holding onto a ghost that never had an ounce of hatred against you like you did to him, someone who wanted to make life happy again for you and you closed the door so many times that the knocking stopped one day and you missed that sound, the sound of his comforting words, the flowers he would bring you every time, even going as far as to give you his favourite toy, a snow fox plushie, his favourite animal, they are sometimes similar in behaviour, cute and adorable and always fun to watch running around, pure and innocent.

She was selfish, both of you were, she wanted her lover to come back and you wanted your mother to hold your hand again, so why is she irritated when she hears from one of the palace butlers and maids speak about how you always go to La Signora for advice.

Isn’t she also wise? she lived far longer than that hell spawn witch, so why didn’t you ask her?

She was angry when everytime you train on your swordsmanship you would ask The Knave to train you.

She’s a god, a god who fought wars far worse than anyone could ever imagine, she’s stronger than that filthy cursed woman, why didn’t you want her to help you?

She was shocked when everytime The Marionette invites you to a tea party you would accept with a small smile on your face.

Whenever she’s free from her duties and her plans, and that is a rarity, she would always seek your company in the gardens, her room, anywhere you would prefer, but every single time you would refuse, isn’t she your mother? why do you prefer to spend time with a stranger then your own mother?

The last straw was when she saw you, in the garden sitting on a swing, but you weren’t alone, that naïve childish goddess was with you, your head relaxed against her shoulder while she sings to you.

Were you upset today? She knew there was something that wasn’t alright with you today of all days, more then usual, could it be because today is your brother’s birthday? Most important question is why? why did you seek that coward weak goddess who ran away the moment everything became too much? Why didn’t you come to your mother? Why didn’t you run to her and expressed your sorrows she all know too well?

She decided she had enough, desperate for answers she marched right to your room in hopes that maybe she can fix this, to shove away the snow that is building a mountain between her and you. It started out small, she asked if something is bother you, you denied it and just reasoned that you are tired, she knew instantly that was a lie, she asked you where were you this morning, you told her visiting his grave, that explains the redness of your eyes.

It went on like this, she asks a question and you either mutter a lie or a half a truth and it kept going until you were starting to feel bothered that she is trying to ask about you after years of cold stares and empty words, and she was no better as she was frustrated her child is still not even looking at her when she’s in front of them as if she doesn’t exist, as if her presence is bothersome to them.

Then she muttered the question that instantly caused the fragile snow to become a destructive avalanche, What is wrong with you ? , that caught your attention, you muttered a quiet ‘what?’ to make sure you heard her words correctly and her cold accusing tone clearly, she asked again but different, why have you turned out like this? your eyes widen with shock at her, some nerve for her to ask such a question as if you are a defected machine, as if those years of longing for her warmth and love again wasn’t tearing you apart every day, as if she did not just leave you one day because of the simple reason you look like her, that you remind her of everything she hates.

You told her to leave but she refused and ordered you to answer her, you just chuckled and looked at her with hatred, all that built up suffering she put you through, those sleepless nights, the way she made you hate the sole person who tried to fill a place you so selfishly pushed away and wished his death, that built up anger exploded in a curse at her, she was baffled, she sternly told you to watch your mouth when speaking to her and it all went south.

It escalated into a screaming match between a selfish mother who cannot accept a distance she caused and a child who blames themselves and her for their brother’s demise.

Hurtful words were thrown left and right, mostly from you, you let her know very clearly where she stands in your life, a monster who loathed something you do not have control over, and only loved your brother because he reminds her of your deceased father, she denied everything but she knows well, she does know what she did but she’s blinded by a burning feeling in her chest that you too will go away from her she convinced herself she’s no wrong, you are wrong, you are the child who is acting out of line, why must you act like she left you to the streets ? didn’t she give birth to you ? didn’t she fed you and kept you safe ? everything she’s doing; stealing Gnoses from all the other Archons, spilling blood left and right for your sake. Nobody in teyvat ever knows you exist just so they cannot link her crimes and falsehoods to you and hate you, she’s taking every blame and curse she hears in the dead of night from her people or other Archons’ people, she face the screams of those that fell because of the delusions she helped create and bare the sins and blood on her back for you, she is ready to burn the world and make it new, make it peaceful, less cruel so you can wonder around without getting hurt, without anyone endangering your own life, why can’t you understand she’s doing so much for you, and at the end of the day you call her selfish and a monster ?

And the avalanche happened right after you wished she was never your mother, she snapped and in a bitter tone, loathing, the true face you always knew she had, said the words you were dying to hear but never ready to either.

“I wish you died instead of him.”

Something broke that moment inside you, the fracture line you two were walking on finally fell and there is no going back, all the unspoken words are finally out, and now you two knows exactly where you stand in eachother’s eyes.

“Then kill me.” You said, eyes empty and there’s no will to live within them, the shine is gone, she gasped quietly after everything started to settle, and just rushed out of the room slamming the door behind her, she walked quickly in the hallway, the echo of her words and your voice screaming at her brought her to her knees, she fell to the floor a hand on her mouth as she wept, when was the last time she cried ? at her son’s funeral ? she cannot remember, but this pain will make her remember everyday that she lost her last child, she loved once and was left with a broken heart that remembers everything when her mind cannot, she loved twice and her son was taken from her, she loved thrice and because of her selfishness and grief she caused her child to just hate their own self and hate her in the process and now there’s no going back after what she said, after she said the only truth in a land full of white lies.

She doesn’t remember when she got up and just continued forward, as whatever happened did not bother her in the slightest, now she is truly the embodiment of ice, a cold mountain nobody can shake.

As for you, she left you like a snowy terrain, just completely white with nothing else to see, a snowy desert of harsh cold, flat and unmoving, you’ve been starring at the door for far too long, wishing that maybe she’ll come back and apologize, that she will cry and hug you tight and tell you she was wrong, that everything will be okay, but you know that is wishful thinking, so you simply sat on your chair facing the window and leaned with your head feeling the biting cold of the glass, and just let tears fall.

Since then you shut out yourself even more, never going out of your room, your meals delivered to you by your servants, and since you started hearing what is happening to the Harbingers you just gave up on making any human connection, La Signora’s death by the electro archon, Columbina escape back to Nod-Krai, Capitano and Dottore’s death wasn’t important since you never were close to them, where she formed a thick solid mountain of ice, you hid underneath the snow where nobody can hear you, look at you, and just existed as less as you can be.

After a long day of attending to your duty as a royal you returned to your room at last, tonight was illuminated by the aurora, so you just sat there and watched, basking in the beautiful sight, and then your thoughts came.

What have I done wrong?

Why am I subjected to this fate?

Why is fate so cruel to me?

Why did it take my brother and left me with a mother that wished my death?