Formerly known as

We made something! This was our first attempt at making a video of our music and we learned a lot -- including to make sure you know the in's and out's (literally) of your recording equipment ahead of time to avoid frantically perusing reddit forums and texting your friend in Australia for help minutes before the filming was supposed to start. Thankfully we all like each other and had a fun time with it, and are excited to be putting in our first Tiny Desk submission. I wrote this song a couple years ago and really love how these guys bring so much feeling to it with their playing. It's called Feel this Way, and like a lot of my songs it's not exactly a nice, feel-good song, but it's real and true. The lyrics are in the video description on youtube, if anyone else is like me and enjoys reading along while listening (and if you want to read more about what this song means to me, check out this post).

Our first DIY album is... on it's way! And wow, ya'll, putting your music out there -- I mean really out there -- is harder than I thought. It took us over a year and a half to put this album together; to learn how to record songs, then record the songs, mix them, and finally send them off to mastering. Then, you're not done, you have to have a band photo, album art, copyrights, artist profiles on streaming platforms, and logisticify all the other pieces needed to get some albums printed. But we did it (are doing it) for our friends and fans who have been begging us for years. <3

Trying to finish this album gave me flashbacks of every report I had to do in school -- which usually ended with lying on the floor, putting off doing the finishing touches until the last moment because I couldn't bear the weight of the fact that it wouldn't be exactly perrrrffffect. It took Max telling me to stop fussing and just finish.

Special acknowledgement to -- Clark, who refused to continue playing the same old gigs for the same old people at the same old places and really pushed us to put down some recordings, and then laid down some sick keys. To Kevin for really doing a deep dive into the music and feeling of each individual song, and making every note count. To Adam for playing with us for many years while these songs developed, and putting down the beat for a few of these tracks. To Ben for always being game to back us up with a solid backbone, past and present, and being a great listener. And to Max for being loving and supportive and helping me figure out what the heck I was doing at every step along the way, and always holding down the bottom end.

Stay tuned... this album will be up on streaming platforms soon!

I wrote this song last month, reminiscing the week of christmas (really, not feeling the holiday spirit).

Am I still the same?

I look back at open arms

the glow of idealistic love

and am I still the same?

See now my folded arms

wisdom of abused love

and am I still the same?

Jaded now

camouflage somehow

I know the risk of 

letting your colors show

and am I still the same?

so if you want me to shine

I can be dark as the night

and if you want me to blend in

I'll sparkle with all might

no you don't know me now,

and I am not the same

Jaded now,

just look at what's around

I've learned that hate can

be in a place like this

and I am not the same

so if you want me to shine

I can be dark as the night

and if you want me to blend in

I'll sparkle with all my might

no you don't know me now

People always want to know, what (or who) is a song about? This song came out at time I was trying to work through - and move on from - my experiences with bullies. I don't really think the people who inspired this song would consider themselves that way, but I know many of you have encountered them too -- people who are insecure, troubled, depressed, or otherwise struggling, and choose to react by lashing out at others. When I wrote this song I was hurt and sad, and trying to process what could cause these people, who I had thought were my friends, to act this way. Internal storms that threaten to wash over everyone around them. Internal darkness that is blinding to the way they're acting and the way they make others feel. All I could do was try to understand where they were coming from and brace myself against the deluge. Tell myself to stand firm, hold true to who I was, and not let them drag me down to their level. I'm standing on this ground, look you right in the eye, no you can't make me change, but I know you'll try.

And I will walk through that valley of death that you're leaving behind you. Damn, sounds pretty dark. Yeah, and I know some of you reading this know what I mean. It feels really dark to be there, in the wake of someone's hatred. 

I guess it's just another way selfishness surfaces, when we become so focused on our own problems that we forget that everyone has struggles of their own. I wanted to say to these people, "yeah I know you've had tough times, but do you think that you are the only one who could feel this way? Do you think that I also don't struggle with insecurity and depression? I know you're sad, but that don't make it right to take it out on others."

Did I think these people, if they really thought about it, were trying to hurt me that badly? I wanted to think no, if they really thought about it, they wouldn't be trying to hurt anyone. If I gave them the benefit of the doubt, I'd say they were so focused on their own pain that lashing out was all they knew how to do, and maybe they thought I was a fine target because I was happy and confident. So I wanted to ask them, "who did you think I was? Did you think I was somehow the cause of your problems? Or, did you think I was invincible to hate, that you could treat me with cruelty and not be responsible for causing me pain? No, I'm not that strong." At the end of a song full of processing these questions and seeking to stay strong, all I could say was, "I'm not that good -- I struggle too. I feel pain. I don't want what you're doing to affect me, but it does. And really, I don't know what you're trying to do - are you trying to get rid of me? Are you trying to make yourself feel better? - but I know it ain't workin."

Music doesn't always help me find answers, but it does help me process. It helps me heal, and keep moving forward. I know my experiences are not unique, so I hope it helps others process, and heal, too.

Hi, it's me, the one formerly known as the pie lady. Since the end of the pie adventure I've continued to reinvent myself - as a line cook, waitress, farm hand, ranch hand, sheep midwife, cranberry harvester, birder, botanist. There will be more - but it's all me, and through it all the one connecting thread has been music. During the past few years I've spent more time songwriting than ever before, and have finally started to try and record some of them, so I thought it was time to make a space to share about it all.