Not From Around Here

Had frozen Cheerwine and bourbon and incredible tacos.

And then watched an amazing production in the cutest little theatre.

It was a great idea and I’m glad I just did it. I have never seen this play. I never went to much theater before the last few years. And I’ve never been one much to watch TV. Or movies much. But I am very into this.

I tried to make the last two breast cancer support groups and women’s hike meet ups. Missed them all. But I’m trying. Seems like a good way to meet some new like minded/experienced people.

Three kind of pear tree spoils. Though I failed to note what kind each one was when I bought and planted them. Dahlias and zennias.

I’ll drop him at the airport around 4 pm tomorrow.

I have a phone appt with a pelvic floor therapist at 7.

Then I plan to have a drink

and a bath

I’m working on redirecting my focus. Not giving all of this bullshit power over my every day.

Including things with her. Which are pretty nonexistent right now. I went to her therapy appointment with her the last two weeks. I don’t think either time went well. And when we try to talk about the session afterwards, neither of us view it the same. It’s so wild. There’s an absolute and complete utter breakdown in communication. And I don’t know how we come back from it. I’m not sure it’s possible anymore. Which is unfortunate because she lives next-door. In a house that I paid the down payment on. So there’s a ton of money tied between us. But there’s nothing she can do to pay me back now so I just have to let that go. Trust that the money will come back to me when it should. Control my job. Because that’s the income I can control with no help from anyone. I asked if she wanted to come outside while I watered or go on a hike. She said she’s not trying to be difficult but it’s too hot. But then offers no other suggestions. I just don’t think our lives fit together anymore. Ugh wild how fast shit flips.

My youngest son - 17 is starting his senior year in a few weeks. He is also doing a paid internship at a computer consulting place in our town. Crazy good opportunity in the field he wants to work in. Plus he works at Walmart. Going to be busy busy busy year for him. Then I’m done with having a kid in school. My oldest was born in 1998. Started pre k in 2002. So I’ve had a kid in school since that point. Feels so weird to think about. It’s a massive change. But one I think will carry some positives. Except being another year older myself.

I made chicken Parmesan with sauce from tomatoes I grew or my neighbor gave me that he grew. It got spectacular reviews all around the table. And the house smelled magnificent!! I do love to home cook. I just hate the clean up after. But the kids chip in so it isn’t so horrible.

I want to go to Trader Joe’s but I don’t want to leave my dog here with him. He wouldn’t hurt him but the dog is scared af of him. Ughhh I’m such an idiot.

He came to the porch this morning and asked “what do you think”

Me: I think we need to do something different.

Him: good luck.

And he went inside.

I will not back down from this. Sell the house. I give zero fucks. I’ll get my 50% I have no doubt. And I can live on a lot less than he can.

He’s drunk. The kids are here and he’s slamming doors and yelling bullshit. I will not continue. I am fucking done. I’m in bed shaking. This is the end of this.

It’s been about two hours gap from that. I went to the guest bedroom to try to stop the insanity. My youngest son 17 came up after hearing a huge door slam. He asked my husband what was going on and he responded “ah your mom’s being a bitch and she’s in there” pointing to the bedroom. I realize he’s up there and jump up to interfere. He said he thought I was dead and the thud had been my body dropping. Wtfffff. This is over.

They are at their dad’s and I already sent him a text about it. There is no going back now. Thankfully we have a good relationship. I won’t ask them to not tell the truth of this night and what they heard and felt.

I’m so over this.

My youngest son is starting his senior year in three weeks. I can’t blow this up yet.

I feel so stuck.

Things with her remain tense. I texted an apology. She responded with her own. I tried to get together last night but she went to her brothers. Seems she fills every second so that she can avoid me. Maybe that’s my own feelings about it. But I’m tired of feeling like this. Trying to not think about it because blah.

Also related I would like to disappear into the woods for a few days maybe with a yurt by a river. I want to back pack style camp but whew that’s so much planning.

He has Bean Bean going to some friends cabins on the weekends. He seems to really enjoy that and helps him reconnect with his friends. I think he would be happier in a life there. Where he is is about an 18 Hour drive from where I am. I’m in the deep south and he’s almost at the Canada line. We keep talking about getting everyone together for July 4 because it’s a huge holiday on the lake we live on. But it’s going to be over 100° here all weekend. And it’s going to be 80 where he is. The kids would love to go up there for the holiday, but I just don’t know that I can buy all those flights. See how this week goes I guess.

The rift with her continues. The last conversation we had on Wednesday did not go well. We were trying to talk about work and pay. And somehow it became opening tabs for so many different arguments. Either I’ve been an awful human to her or she she’s holding onto some petty shit because of all the other stuff going on in her life. She has a lot of outside stresses with a court custody battle she had to reopen. In a humongous Tax lien that was placed on her house that her ex ex-husband was supposed to have paid years ago in their divorce. Plus trying to raise 15-year-old twins and find a way to pay for it all. She worked for me for years. Work has been very slow for about seven months so I was just paying her. It was not sustainable, but Work has now picked up. Not enough where I have to have an extra person but enough where I could pay her some. But we can’t even have a normal conversation so I don’t know how we’re supposed to work together at this point. Which just creates more hardships for her. At the end of the last conversation, she was flipping out and screaming about how she didn’t want me to contact her at all so that’s what I’m doing. I assume that she has a love-hate relationship with this distance as well. I miss her and who we used to be to each other. But I do not miss how things have been the last 6 to 9 months. I have no idea where this is going to go.

I my middle son 19 has been working with my older son doing construction. He met a guy at a job who he went to school with his younger brother. He’s called him about several jobs and now he’s working with him this week out of town. It’s his first out-of-town gig. He’s staying in a hotel, he’s very excited.