Underground

Dear future lover.

I want to feel. I want to feel you. I want to feel your eyes on me. I want to get a shiver running down my spine when I feel your intense gaze in my neck. I want to catch you staring my way and turn away in embarrassment. I want to tell you to stare as much as you want, I don’t mind your staring. I want to see that encouraging smile in your eyes, supporting me when nobody else believes in me. I want your eyes to scan over my body, taking me as I am, with a soft whisper on your lips.

“You’re beautiful”

I want to see that stunned glance when I’m wearing that dress you like so much on me. I want to get lost in your iris; witness the moment your pupils go wide as you’re staring right back into mine. I want to see that blush creeping onto your cheeks, while we stare into each other’s eyes, and listen to our shy giggles. I want to get lost in that love your eyes are showing while we’re snuggling under the blankets, see the spark of life in your eyes when we’re looking at the stars. I want to see that joy in your eyes when we go exploring. I want to see those tears gathering in the corners of your eyes and kiss them away before they get the chance to roll down your cheeks.

I want to stare at your closed eyes, with your eyelashes resting peaceful on your cheeks while you sleep. I want to wake up to catch you staring at me, but it’s not embarrassing. I want your gaze to hold mine softly as we sway. I want to stare deeply into your eyes and find nothing but pure, deep love, shining just for me. I want to witness every moment with you. I want to see your gaze harden when you get angry. I want to see your eyes soften afterwards. I want to see that vulnerable gaze when you got hurt and wipe away your tears with my thumb. I want to find those cracks in your soul and press all my love into them to heal them and make your eyes shine again.

I want you to look at me like you’ve never looked at a woman before. I want you to look like you’re going to devour me. I want your gaze piercing me into place when it’s getting intimate and hot. I want to see your eyes getting wider when you trace my pure body with your eyes and hands. I want to see your eyes closing in comfort when I’m pouring all my love on you. I want to see you get high when I’m lavishing you with my love.  I want to see that fire in your eyes. I want your hands to slowly peel away my clothes, I want your fingers kneading into my flesh, my arms, my breasts, my everything, squeezing my skin, giving me shivers. I want to feel all of your bare skin on all of my bare skin, your naked chest against my back, your hands and arms holding me tightly on the next morning. I want you to touch me like you’ve never touched someone in that way before. I want you to be gentle with me when the covers fall, but I don’t want you to forget that I’m a strong woman. You’re making me stronger.  You’re making me whole.

I want you to hug me from behind while we’re resting, sleeping, or napping, I want to feel your breath on my skin. I want you to bury your nose in my hair, just because you think I smell good. I want to feel you snoring against my back, I want to hear you say my name again and again.

I want to feel it. I want to feel your hand holding mine. Your gentle fingers laced into mine because it feels right, your hand giving me a reassuring squeeze when I’m not sure about all of this madness. Your grip steadying me when I’m not safe on my feet. I want to feel your hands running up and down my sides, I want them on my thigh while you’re driving, I want your touch to drive me crazy, to burn into my skin on the small of my back when we’re dancing, swaying slowly in the living room. I want them crossed around my stomach squeezing my fat roll when you’re holding me from behind.

I want to massage your scalp, your neck, your shoulders, your back when you’re in pain, and I want you doing the same for me. I want your hand draped across my waist clumsily and lazily when we’re falling asleep, I want to feel your arm getting heavier as your drifting away into the land of sleep. I want to fall asleep to your hand entangling all the knots in my hair that have formed over the day. I want to fall asleep to your hand stroking my head, my back, and my arms. I want to feel your fingers drawing small circles on that bare skin that got exposed through shifting in your arms, spreading comfortable warmth and reassurance.

I want you pulling me close while you’re unconscious sleeping, because even dead to the world I’m not close enough. I want you to pull me impossible closer when we’re cuddling. I want you to lay your head into my lap, so I can softly play with your hair while you’re falling asleep, your hands either on my hips or on my thighs. I want you to gently cup the cheeks of my butt when I’m hugging your neck. I want you to pick me up and spin me around, so I can hook my legs around your waist and not let go.  

I want you to know that I want to take it slow. I want to feel the passion increasing with every coming day. I want to fall more in love with you every day.

I want to tell you which songs are giving me shivers. I want you to know that I know the lyrics to nearly every old song but fail to remember if I switched the lights off. I want to waltz with you even though I can’t dance.

I want you to tell me I’m precious when I’m not able to convince myself of it. I want you to respect me the same way I’m respecting you, because this isn’t going to work any other way. I want you to ask me: “Can I kiss you?”, because you want to be sure I want the same thing. Because you’re too afraid to hurt me. I want you to ask: “Is this okay? Does it hurt? Do you really want this?” before we unite our bodies for the first time. Because you want to be sure. Because I’m too valuable for you to get hurt. You would know that I can stand up for myself, but you’re standing up for me if I’m too hurt, too weak or to broken to do it myself.

I want your hands on my face, cupping it gently, pushing away that one lock that won’t stay behind my ear, brushing away happy and sad tears with your thumbs while I weep. I want to feel the heat radiating from your body as we lay closely to each other, making me sleepy although I wasn’t before. I want to be hugged by you when I’m sad, when I’m broken, when I’m happy, when I’m bursting with laughter. I want to be hugged by you just because. I want to feel your fingers creeping under my shirt, pressing into the dips of my spine. Because I told you it aches and it’s fine, but you’ll do it anyway. I want to feel your fingers creeping under the hem of my shirt in the most inappropriate moments just to make me blush, I want you to hook your thumb into my belt while we’re walking down the street just because you can. I want you to grab my hand when we’re out with our friends, because you want to show everyone, I’m yours. I want to hold your hand tightly and run across a field of flowers with you.

I want us sitting by the fireside, roasting marshmallows under a sky full of stars in comfortable silence. We would be there, wrapped in a blanket, with you pulling me closer until there is no more space between us. I’d press a kiss to your cheek. Tell you I love you. I want to sit in your lap, looking into the endlessness above us and feel save even though the endlessness above us is scary, but I feel safe because you’re here holding me close to your heart. I want to be out in nature with you, the wind ruffling through our hair. I want us to be free and laughing and full of life – I guess I want us to be happy to be right here in this moment and happy to have the chance to experience all of this.

I want to go on dates with you. I want to go hiking with you. I want to build a fort with you and cuddle in it all night. I want to call you at that goddamn morning hour to tell you I love you. I want to go to a strawberry field with you. I want to go eat ice cream with you.

I want to run to you and hug you as tight as I possibly can after we were separated for too long. I want you to bury your head into my shoulder when you’re hugging me from the side. I want to hold your hand when mine are cold or when I’m shaking. I want to answer “with my life“ when you ask ” do you trust me?“

I don’t want you to get annoyed when I’m on my period, because I didn’t choose to bleed, get unbearable back pain and cramps on your birthday or on the day you wanted to go swimming. I didn’t choose to bleed on your sheets on purpose, so don’t be upset. I didn’t choose having this sh*t every month. Don’t pity me, I feel bad enough already. Be there for me. Hug me, put your warm hands on my cramping underbelly, love me, bring me chocolate, help me feel better. If that means I’m asking you to have sex with me, suck it up. It’s just blood. You can wash it. There are towels. We’re both going to feel better afterwards. Don’t make me feel like I’m disgusting because that’s what I already feel like. Don’t put your finger on that wound. It’s normal. It’s nature. It’s for me to carry our children one day. Having my period means I’m healthy AF and everything is okay with my body.

I want you to hold me through it all. I want to be so important that you’re going to drop whatever online game you’re playing to hold me when I need you because that game is just a game. I want to complain when you snap photos of me looking like a complete fool because you think I look beautiful. I will make those photos of you too. But I know they will look beautiful in our photo album one day.

I want us to wake up in the dead of night because it’s too hot to sleep, and I want us to go out to make the night ours. Even if we’re just sitting on our balcony drinking orange juice with ice in it. I want us to fall asleep in the morning hours because we danced through the night. I want to be foolish with you and howl at the moon, I want to dance in the streets, I want to love you all through the night.

I want us to have those honest 3.a.m conversations about everything and nothing. I want our little talks to be whispers through the night, muffled by yawns and cosy blankets. I want us to both be tired, fighting sleep because neither of us wants to go to sleep yet because we want to feel the other’s presence just a little longer. I want to shiver because the night is cold, and I want you slither closer to share bodyheat and use it as an excuse to sit closer to me.

I want to go swimming with you, to make out while our half naked, soaked bodys are so close together that no sheet of paper would fit in between them. I want to rent a boat with you and jump into the water on a secluded bay where it’s only us. I want to play with your hair all the time. I want to touch you all the time. I want to go picnic with you to watch the theatre of the clouds above, our heads lying next to each other; I want to watch a movie on the back of a rented truck at the drive-in-movies. I want to fall asleep with my head on your shoulder while we’re reading books on a comfy chair; I want to bury my head in your shoulder when I get scared by a movie and I want you to chuckle softly because in the end it was not that scary at all. I want to fall asleep in a hammock with you. I want us to wake up in the morning, and to whisper: “just five more minutes”. But those five minutes turn to ten, to twenty, they turn to hours in which we’re just enjoying each other company. I want you to watch over my while I’m sleeping, while I’m the most vulnerable. Your presence keeps the nightmares away.

I want to go on a road trip with you. I want to climb a high mountain with you and scream from the top of my lungs how much I love you. I want to have a snowball fight with you; I want to dance in the rain with you; I want to go to a small French village for holiday just because we can; I want to see the world; I want to make experiences with you by my side. I want to do it all with you.

I want us to fight. Hot and tempered. I want us to yell at each other over silly reasons. I want to kiss you just to shut you up, and I want you to kiss back, fierce and angry. I want you to trap me between yourself and a wall, hold me by my wrists so I can’t escape and hit you with a pillow. I want us to forget our fight because kissing you just feels too good to be true. I want you to pick me up, your hands holding me up by my butt, my back against a wall until we’re only making out because of lust and love.

I want us to grow. Grow up and grow old. I want us to be foolish together at twenty-one and at ninety-seven. I want us to be foolish together, I want us to have fun together even when we can’t walk on our own anymore. I want us to grow closer together, I want to show you every piece of my soul, all the blooming parts and all the parts that got shattered into pieces over the years. I want to show them to you because I know there in good hands – your hands – I know your love will help them grow back together again.

I want to be able to bury my face into your chest and hug you, and I want you to hug back even tighter. I want to cook for you all of your favourite dishes even though I maybe don’t like them too much. I want to take care of you when you’re sick, I want to stroke your head when you have a fever, I want to make you feel better when you’re down. I want to fall asleep in your arms, knowing I’m save and loved and cherished and the worlds alright for now.

I want to feel a soft sensation on my forehead or on the crown of my head falling asleep, just to realise soon after that you just pressed a sweet kiss there. I want to feel your lips on mine, kissing me soft and slow, because there’s no need to rush. I would never go away. I want to feel your lips fierce and longingly crashing into mine, teeth colliding and tongues brushing against each other. I want to feel your lips all over my face, on my nose, my temples, my jaw, my ears, my forehead. I want to feel your lips pressing into my hair in the evening. I want us to kiss in the morning not caring that neither of us has brushed teeth yet.

I want to smile like a fool because I know your gonna kiss me any second.

I want to feel your lips on my neck. I want to feel you pressing wet, open mouthed kisses on it, leaving lovemarks and gentle bruises. I want to feel your teeth grazing over my skin leaving innocent lovebites, and I want to feel you kissing them away in the gentlest manner possibly afterwards. I want to feel little pecks on my neck when we’re spooning in the morning, I want to feel your lips kissing my shoulder, pressing softly into the skin while your arms are holding me gently and the sun kisses us awake.

I want to feel your lips on my back, on my breasts, on my belly, on my collarbone, on my legs. I want to feel the warmth of your mouth sinking into mine while we’re lip locking, the warmth drawing me impossibly closer, making me shudder, making me sigh, and gasp and moan into your mouth. I want to feel your warm breath ghosting over my lips in between our kisses or afterwards, over my skin, over my everything. I want to give you everything of me in exchange for every centimetre of you. I want to kiss you to know what your smile feels like against mine. I want to kiss your lips just because I want to know what they taste like, what they feel like against my own.

I don’t like to sigh loud or moan anytime for whatever reason, but with you, I’m just waiting for you to draw those sounds out of my mouth. I’m just waiting till you make them as well. When you do, I just feel high cause you do that because of me. I’m proud how I can affect you. How you move, shudder, gasp, sigh, groan and moan because of the way I touch and kiss you.

I want to feel your arms tighten around me, because my head is in the clouds, and you don’t want to let go of me without a kiss. And another. And another. I would never go. I would never leave your side. I want you to kiss me just because you can. I want you to just kiss me because I’m me. I want you to grab my face, to look into my eyes and to press a tender, featherlight kiss onto my mouth, so that we’re losing track of time and letting your little peck on my lips growing into something more passionate and intimate till we’re lost in our touches.

I want to kiss you so badly. I want to make out with you until our lips are swollen and hurting. I want to touch your swollen lips to see what they feel like, if they feel like my swollen lips, raw and soft at the same time. But that wouldn’t stop us. I want to bury my head into the nape of your neck, into the curve of your shoulder and place there a kiss in return. I want us to snuggle in bed, wrapped into the blankets and each other’s warmth with us just kissing and kissing and kissing and longing for more. I could never get my fill of your kisses. We would be kissing the night away till the moon vanishes from the sky again.

I want you. Just you. 

I want to listen to you humming soft tunes, and interrupt that humming of yours with my lips against yours. I want to feel that humming, that vibration against my lips, against my mouth, against my cheeks. I want us to whisper love confessions all through the night till dawn, till the clouds turn purple once more. I want to whisper love confessions to you because I know I would combust from all the love in my heart if I couldn’t tell you. I want us to soak in our love. I want it to feel like there’s only us in this goddamn universe on this goddamn planet in this goddamn society in this goddamn city in this goddamn downtown street.  

I want to whisper I love you for the first time. I want to repeat it again and again so you can be sure, and I want you to tell me when you’re ready too. I want you to repeat and repeat and repeat it until I’m drunk with your love.

I want us to get lost in our bubble of affection for each other. I want it to feel like somethings slotting into place. Something that was wrong, but you haven’t noticed it was wrong until it felt right. The feeling of being home changes. I’d realise, that home is not a place anymore, it’s no house down the street, it’s not a place beneath a tree. It’s right by your side. You’re my home. Without you I’m lost. With you I feel save, you’re the place that can protect me from that strange, big world around us. With you, everything is at ease; by your side, I’m home. You’re home.

I want us to be wrapped in our embrace, nuzzling close to each other, noses touching, feet and legs tangled together or sprawled across the sheets. I want to let my head rest on your chest, tucked in right under your chin so I can listen to your heartbeat.

And even though we would be so close I would pull myself closer to your heart and wonder how I ever got so lucky that someone like you loves someone like me. How I ever got so lucky to know that you’re loving me from the bottom of your heart. And I know how it feels because I do too. I love you with everything my heart can give.

Tell me darling, would you still love me If I told you about the monsters I need to sing to sleep every night?

If you understood the way I need to tiptoe across my own mind so I can fall asleep before daylight?

if you knew where the nightmares came from, if you saw my scarred soul, would being with me terrify you?

If you knew the full extent of the damage they have done to me, would you stay, would you still want to?

”