Escape

2017 is gone and although it was a good year for me.... for some of my loved ones it wasnt so great...so this year 2018 after my daughter arrives i want to try my best to make it a better year for them, especially for my mom and dad! Seperation isnt always so easy but their current living situations arent the best either 😢 i feel like as the oldest i have to help fix it... i mean i say help because only my parents can truly fix their situation but i for sure can help them and i definitely want to teach that to my daughter so that way she'll be able to claim each other's places as "grandpa's house" or "grandma's house" if that makes sense lol.... i know I'm not really gonna go back to work until babys in preschool but i do have plans to try my best to help them, but i know that prayer is definitely power and i certainly will pray for them! ❤🙏🙏 i love my parents so much and if theyre not happy then i of course cant be 100% happy either #2018MissionDetermination ✊

I trust in God so much that I know that all is going accordingly to His plan. I truly do know that life is very precious and very short and that we must always continue to treasure and remind our loved ones that they are loved and being prayed for. All I know is that lately the devil has been tempting me with finding out about my grandmother's sickness. The devil has tempted me to cry my eyes, my heart, my body out so bad to the point where I lack in my faith in the Lord. But, every time I'm about to fall into that deep dark temptation, I am reminded with a little flutter or kick inside to "not do it, mommy...just keep praying and being strong at least for me!" Exactly why I feel like God came to me to name her "Hope" because ever since we found out of her existence she's given me nothing but Hope. Oh babygirl, I know I must continue to keep my faith strong for the Lord is always good and has always been there for me and our family. He certainly has blessed me with you, and I know that as He continues to bless your great-grandma with her strength to fight this physical weakness and sickness, He has always given grandma the brightest light within as well as the strongest faith in our family. I was very blessed to have been raised by your great grandma, as well as your grandma (My mom), as well as your other grandmas (my mom's sisters) that just in the knick of time of needing hope in my life to keep trusting and keep believing that the almighty continues to have plenty in store for me, He sent me you, my little Hope. Thank you for being my strength especially when I need it most. We both must continue to pray hard for great-grandma (my grandmother) as we know that God is the number one Healer and the number one Doctor! 🙏🙏🙏💖💖💖

We just found out yesterday that my husband also has diabetes. It was hard to take in but now we know that we have no choice but to both manage it and take care of it especially since we are about to be parents. I was diagnosed with diabetes back in April 2016 and it was very hard to take in because knowing that my family has a strong medical history of diabetes I didn't take the precautions seriously and as of last year, I'm a diabetic. Being pregnant and having diabetes is very common but it is also a huge health risk especially since I am obese as well. My husband used to make fun of me for getting diabetes but he too spoke too soon because he now knows he too is a diabetic. Which is why I found this quote, which brought me inspiration... it has reassured me that we cannot go back to change how it began but we can do what we need to do now so that way we change the ending route of where we are going.

what would happen if I left tomorrow? would they miss me? I can tell you that I’m am certainly sure that at least ten people would truly miss me. But I can’t find it in my heart to do that to them. I hurt everyday. I have questions all the time. Why? Why is my life this way? is it because of the innocence that was stolen from me twice as a child? is it because I must take to the grave what had happened to me? I always wonder if there is someone else out there who’s gone through what I have gone through? are they okay? do they ever wonder how their life would have turned out if they only had the help they needed? would anyone believe them? my fear is that they would not believe me. my fear is that I would live a life without giving any meaning to another. People die everyday, what difference would it make if I chose tomorrow for that day to come? but the only thing holding me back are my loved ones. but do they really truly love me? I see how hard my husband works everyday, I couldn’t possibly let him come home one day and I’m gone. I love him way too much to do such a thing. My sisters are always busy with their lives, they’re grown now, they don’t need me to be there all the time. but I wouldn’t dream of them getting a call or text that I have left. my parents, they have their own problems but I wouldn’t want to pile even more on if they heard the news that their eldest has taken her own life. my family and my friends I couldn’t do it to them either especially to the ones who have been there for me at the least expectant. Do I need help? maybe but I feel like I got it under control. Should I get help? maybe but sometimes I feel like that's the cheating way to do things. I just need to suck it up let it go and pray about it. but lately when I pray I feel good for a little bit and then it all comes down all over again. is this the devil whispering in my ear?? if so I truly need earmuffs to block him out because he is seriously gaining points. I guess for now I am choosing not to leave, not because of myself but because of my loved ones. if my loved ones did not exist or were not in my life anymore then I would gladly go in a heartbeat.