3rd Time's The Charm

So I just got compromised.

Turns out I’m not fine as I thought I was. The wounds that were inflicted by a fateful past were opened and I realized it still bothers me.

I was with a marketing design team before but the boundaries were blurred and I don’t understand why I let that experience haunt me til this day. 

Is it the reason why I can’t get a permanent job up until this day?

Is it because I’m still secretly hurting?

Am I?

When I was younger I had a little sense of what they call “sensitivity”

Baka dahil sa sobrang sheltered ko or dahil yung nagpalaki sakin sheltered din kaya nagrerevolve yung mundo ko sa sarili ko. But then I got older, learned a few things here and there and I’d like to think I matured somehow but I’m still sheltered. Literally.

Because I’m broke I had no choice but to stay with the parent. But given my situation, I know what’s happening around me. I’m not naive. With me getting into painting two and a half years ago I learned how to observe and look at the details. Di ko alam kung may adhd ako or slow or abnormal pero alam ko I’ve had trouble knowing things because I’m easily distracted. One time sa isang Holy Mass while the priest was delivering his homily I remember controlling myself not to yawn - keeping my thoughts busy just to avoid falling asleep. My thoughts would always went out to cute couples that should be together like Lala and Tinkywinky having date nights in Malibu. Random sht like that. Then one Sunday, at a mass I finally asked myself what the fuck can I learn from a Homily...so I paid attention to the priest and finally learned how to listen. 

Fast forward to college and it’s also like that. I have had troubles focusing at one thing for a long time. I’ve pushed suffering back and refused to grow and I realized how idle time was a bad influence to me more than watching a kdrama. 

Maybe I’m having trouble focusing because I don’t want to face my problem ahead and want to run away from it.

Then I went in to the corporate world thinking it’s the answer to my problems but it turned out it was also an escape. 

I just kept running. I didn’t know what direction to take. Every other option seems to be better. 

When I quit my job and decided to have a total reset, I found my calling again in the arts. It’s the one thing that can keep by head at peace. It taught me a lot of things that my younger self wouldn’t understand. I learned if I listened hard enough, it’d stir me to where I should be going and it would remind me of who I am.

When I watch my old self from my present perspective I see a carefree girl who takes advantage of things that she should be more thankful about.

And when I take that experience into mind when watching other younger people do it, I feel frustrated. 

Young people nowadays are scary in a sense that they lack empathy. They think they’re connected but when you ask them about their life, they’ll give you answers based on what’s trending on tiktok. The Gen Z in my life feels so out of reach than I could ever be in my selfish days.

She thinks she’s smart but she’s only 23. She doesn’t even say thank you or say sorry when she’s clearly at fault.

I was thinking...

if you don’t define yourself soon life will throw obstacles to make it hard for you to. When I was young, I thought I had it easy. But I took that for granted.

The longer I dwell in the middle - not being able to identify my true self - the harder it gets for me to find my truth. And now that I’m back from the very beginning; rebuilding my foundation as to why I’m doing things, I’ve decided on who I want to become.

Or at least I’ve come closer to clarity.

A week ago I discovered I haven’t let go of kpop just yet. It’s true that I’m not as avid as I was before when BTS shot to fame with Wings but after what transpired between one of my closest friends and me, it’s difficult to look at Bangtan the same way. Because I know I’ve learned to love the boys with the Armys that I know and looking at them now just doesn’t feel special. I know they’ve grown of it. 

Of course it’s not only them who felt that way because I did too. At that time singing and dancing to BTS songs was our way to bond. I would always love the sleepovers where we watch countless Run episodes just laughing our asses off because of the classic BTS comedy the boys can only provide. It was really satisfying. And with the right friends, I could say that it was indeed the most beautiful moment in my life. It was in those years I got to define what Youth really means to me. BTS was a phase. It was a beautiful memory. But as beautiful as it was, I don’t want to go back there anymore. I have learned to put a wall behind me to never look at the past and just be thankful for it. 

1. Learn not to take things personally.

2. Be still and be as clear as possible. Dig deep, know yourself well so you’ll come prepared once you get out.