shots!

dear ash, 

it was times like these that i wish i had your ability to formulate the perfect sentences. express my words to you in strings of colors that projected against the paper in a beautiful rainbow. i know my words won’t be perfect, but i hope it all makes sense in the end. 

i’ve never seen you smile so bright before. your eyes light up when you talk about him and your cheeks turn this bright pink like someone lit a match under your skin. you can’t hold still; your leg is bouncing or your hands are rubbing together like the energy he’s put into you is too much for your small frame to handle. the love you have radiates through every room you enter. anyone that sees you can tell that there’s just something different about you–happier, prouder, more confident. i know it’s not just him to thank for this, because these are all things i knew you had inside of you, but i’m just glad that he has helped open those doors. the chirping blue birds and bright colors of yellow and orange are springing out of your chest. 

i know i was hesitant at first and maybe that was because i didn’t understand. i didn’t comprehend the idea of someone walking into your life and turning your whole world upside-down, but i can see it know. he’s great, wonderful, even, and he loves you. i’m only saying this because i’ve seen all those other bullshit guys around you that take advantage of everything you have to give. he doesn’t though. he won’t. 

i’m writing you these letters in hopes that these will bring you back down onto your feet whenever you’re feeling trapped at the ceiling with nowhere to go. i’ve always had in my mind that i have to protect you, that i have to be the one that fixes the broken pieces or mends the wounds. i guess these letters are the way of me letting that responsibility (somewhat, never completely) go to someone that loves you just as much as i do. 

this is the first letter of five. the next one you can read whenever you want, whenever you need a pick-me-up on a dark blue and dreary day. the others will follow suit. this is the letter where i have to let you go as being just my big sister. i know you’ll always be there, but i know things are going to change too and that’s okay–we knew it would happen one day. while i might be letting you a little loose to run on your own, always know that your little brother is right here waiting for you when you need to come back. 

your big day is today and while it might not be some huge ceremony with hundreds of people and thousands of dollars in decorations, it feels right. it feels like everything is finally falling into place how it should and i’m so thankful i get to see it happen right next to you. 

don’t ever forget how much i love you, okay? we’ve been through hell and back together and i would be lost without you. you’re a strong, beautiful, talented, and amazing woman and i can’t wait to see what’s to come when you’re (gross!) married. 

here’s to you and here’s to timothée and here’s to a life filled with love from everyone around you. 

love, 

maybe i shouldn’t have done it, pushed derek against the side of his bus and slammed into him until he was on his knees. his blood covered my knuckles in splashes of bright red, flashing through my thoughts like it was the only color i could see. 

i feel like pushed it too far, knowing that i could take advantage of him in his state, but there’s something deep inside me that’s wanting more. the crushing feeling of guilt is overruled by the thought of giving someone a taste of their own medicine. sure, beating someone until they’re black and blue on the outside is different than leaving someone’s heart with shades of purple and black. but in the moment, the adrenaline coursing through your veins, echoing in your ears, it’s worth it. it’s worth walking away, shaking your hands clean of the negativity. it’s worth knowing that maybe, i don’t know, maybe we’ve won this battle.