My mother is my biggest bully. Its really hard for me to write that right now but it is the truth. I can’t begin to tell you all how much that has taken a toll on me as an ever evolving young woman growing up in this cruel world that my mom has to protect me from.
Don’t get me wrong- she provides for me. She fulfills all her duties as a parent, attends all of my events, places me as priority, and gives me what I want and need. But this doesn’t justify the way she treats me sometimes.
Telling your daughter that she doesn’t have friends because she is fat is something that I’ve had trouble with. Just last week when she asked me why I wasn’t riding with friends to prom and I said I didn’t know, apparently this was her way of telling me the “truth.” Also telling me that they may be embarrassed of me can add a little more to the fuel that was burning in me. But after all, she is my mother right? She is telling me this because she loves me, right?
Apparently love also comes in the form of telling me that losing weight would make me look prettier. Now, you know there is a time in every girl’s life when her parents say, “I’m gonna get my shot gun because the boys will be coming after you,” well according to my mother, she can’t wait to get hers when I am thinner and more attractive. But she loves me right? She just wants the best for me, right?
Ordering my food for me at the age of 17 is something my mother does often, in fear I will make the wrong food choices. Ordering has become a judgment thing in which I have to be careful of what I order because that could lead into the “conversation.” Basically the conversation starts off how she wants better for me (my weight), and how I shouldn’t order this and that. So you could probably see that ordering is not something I like doing.
Oh yeah, my mother hates my body. She makes that very clear. Its either I’m too fat or have too wide hips or thighs. It got to the point where I started believing her. I stopped thinking of myself as pretty or whatever and started downing my own self. When someone calls me beautiful, I look behind their back to see if they’re crossing their fingers because it would be a joke to love me, right?
My mother’s years of hurting my feelings and emotional torment has taken a huge toll on me. Here I am, graduating and starting this new chapter in my life, and have all this negativity in my head. I find myself having to overcompensate in order to get people to love me, even if its not really for me.
Self love is hard thing right now. It truly is. How can I love myself with all of these feelings?
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