it feels like a dream~

it's taking me a second to soak it all in but this is the best christmas ever. We took our families to see some some christmas lights and get photos taken but Jorge had something else planned.

should probably try to blog the good things more often than the sad.

i have no idea what im upset about either.

things arent bad as they seem. thought since i got so horrible in keeping up relationships with friends and family, they wouldn't care about me or forget about me.

i truly forget that i have the most wonderful friends and family. we don't talk as often but i feel they care.

my birthday was fun! :-)

it was super busy at work but made the day go by super fast. got home and family surprised me with cake and balloons~ they put so many candles that the smoke alarm went off LOL.

then had dinner out at one of my favorite restaurants. karaoke.

it was good =)

Quite a few things happened since last entry. I've actually been quite busy! Jorge & I have been working on a halloween sticker sheet set, hung out with some friends over the weekend, and I gave myself some time to just hang about. It is about to get busier because..

I am finally getting interview for a job at TCM! It's a position that was a great mix of my two previous jobs so I know I have a really good shot at getting it. I really hope I do. It's a step closer to moving to Indianapolis!!

Part of me is so excited because I finally get to live on with Jorge and start a whole new adventure. Don't want to gush much on here but I absolutely adore that man and I feel so supported. Cannot wait to move in with him.

Part of me is also very sad because I know I am going to miss my family very much. I know I often speak of breaking free from them or how hard they are to live but I don't remember the hard parts as much. I just know I am going to miss them so much and writing this all down is making me realize I need to spend as much time with them as I can.

I want to make sure I did everything I can to make them feel loved because I will absolutely do anything for them.

Interview is in two weeks and if I'm hired then that means I leave by the end of the month!!!!! Wild wild wild timeline. Was not expecting it. I should hang out with my family as much as I can this month.

idk what im saying. it's not even how i really feel tonight.

it hurts because all i wanted to do is help. i have a set of skills i know im good at but it's not going the way they wanted it. i thought it was our thing.

apparently i suck out the joy of things. so am i hard to work with?

atleast he was honest about it. didn't even give me a chance. but he didn't want my help in the first place.

sorry if i make things go through a process. this is literally what i do for a living and so i know what im doing. that's literally what design is.

idk why this boy is literally the biggest ray of sunshine in my life but also my biggest heartbreak sometimes.

lots of things to unload today. typing it all here helps give me some kind of clarity.

had a conversation with someone today and i really surprised myself with how honest i can be with myself

i was able to fully express what i truly felt about certain things and what has bothered me for so long.

i just dealt with things because that's what i thought you did as an adult. i saw my mom put up with so much and then from other peers. it was so normal to me until realizing that it is very unhealthy.

it also feels nice to let out all these bottled up feelings and i realize im very lucky to have someone listening to me and understanding what im going through

I have been reading back on a lot of my old blogs lately. Started blogging when I was around 13-14 years old, I posted more on things that made me happy. The the older I got, the more I focused on the negative. Thought I could the flip that around nowadays. Gotta start focusing on the good!

Facetime calls with Jorge. Despite the long distance, he doesn't seem so far away for a little while.

Being the reason a little kid smiles. Babysat some kids for a night. All I did was play Roblox and eat pizza with them and they literally said I was the best babysitter ever. <3

Long weekends. Mondays off. It feels nice to not have an alarm for an extra day.

That feeling after you tidy up the house. I had such a good time scrubbing the bathtub today. Best part was seeing how squeaky clean it was!

truly grateful of the endless support i get from jorge. he teaches me so many positive things and helps me through stuff.

it has been hard since he moved away tho. he got hired at his dream job which is fossil prep work but unfortunately is a thousand miles from me.

long distance is nothing new to either of us since we've both had ldr experience with previous relationships. i did have it a little farther since it was all the way back in the philippines~

although it's nothing new, that doesn't make it easy. we've both come to learn part of our love language is physical affection so obviously that's off the table for awhile.

after endless nights of talking about it and planning, we've decided that i am moving up with him! <3

it's quite the challenge since i am the family breadwinner and head of household so we're making all the arrangements on that~

target date is nov 2022! after thanksgiving, we'll drive up.

I have been spending the past couple of nights here on Tumblr. It truly feels similar to being away from home for so long then finally coming back into the comfort.

Besides cringing at my old self, it's nice to see growth in how I saw the world.

I miss how simple things were. The problems that I thought were going to be my impending doom are now silly little teenage things. The cute boys that I thought were so impressive and I wanted to be with so bad are now regular dudes. Oh my silly little teenage crushes.

What I miss more than anything are people. The good ol' buddies! The friends <3

I opened Tumblr for the first time today and I saw a notification on my inbox. Truly a big surprise because majority of ~mutuals~ here on tumblr are inactive or deactivated their account.

It led to a very nice surprise. Thank you btw, anon. Thinking that you put in the effort to make such a sweet reminder for me felt like a much needed warm hug. <3 <3

Naturally I started scrolling down.. to all my other old messages and I saw all the people I used to be so close with. Truly amazing people. Funny how I used to know so much about these folks and now I have no idea what's been going on with them.

I am terrible at keeping up communication. Even if I muster up the courage to say the casual 'hi hello im good how are ya' .. i fear that I won't have anything else to talk about with. I think it's okay though. People naturally drift apart. We're all caught up in our own stories.It is nice to just reminisce all the good times. I miss sooo many friends. I miss everyone.

Can't help but wonder how many people miss me :( I've been quite distant physically and socially from everyone for awhile now and I feel forgotten.

I did realize today that I am deeply afraid to make mistakes. Being told all my life that I am the answer to my family’s struggles and that somehow I will bring them to a better life. Bring them out of a very deep hole that somehow previous generations dug so far down full of problems and trauma through all the years. 

Somehow processing all of this, I start getting this concept of a comic from these struggles that I now realize is intergenerational trauma . Something with the holes dug so deep. There’s something there. (I am too lazy to sketch this out so words will suffice for now!)

It’s along the lines of each member of the family, all they did to survive was to dig into the hole. We dig in the hole for the betterment of the family. We learned that whenever we faced a hardship, we would dig out the problems and hardships in the soil for newer ones. As a new generation comes, they get handed the shovel and they do the same thing all over again. That’s all they knew. The hole goes deeper and deeper. But all that dirt doesn’t go away, it just surrounds around the hole. As more accumulates, the less space for the garden to grow. Until it’s all just dirt. 

One day, the mom got sick so the girl had to take over digging in the hole for the family. Younger than usual but there was no one else. As she was handed the shovel, she was told that she was the family’s only hope and that she had to dig as others before her did.  So she did. At first she was proud to be that person so that everyone else can enjoy life. Then she starts realizing there’s more she wanted to do. However there is no one else who can take it. There are others who try to help but it’s easier to dig out the dirt when no one else is in the hole. 

So is digging the hole really a solution? So she tries to bring the dirt back in and hopefully will lift everyone up along too. But it’s extra hard word and. 

ughhh idk. This concept is harder as I go further. All I can think about is the Holes movie as well LOL. 

Anyways. Bottomline. I am afraid of many things. 

Fear of what others think. What family(aunts & uncles) would think of when I finally go out on my own? Fear of the unknown. What might happen to my mom and sister when I’m not so within reach? What if they resent me for it leaving? Fear of being a failure. What if I am actually making a big mistake? 

I can’t afford to make a mistake. So much relies on me. Or does it???? Am I just putting pressure on myself. Why am I doing this to myself. 

I’ve come to realize that maybe my younger self was on to something. 

Blogging my heart out in my small corner of the internet. Consuming good media that I like. Attempting to create my own art as inspired by others. Just making up my own shit sometimes. I even enjoyed the Wreck This Journal. I would play games when I liked. I just enjoyed my evenings and nights. 

I’m trying to understand the difference between the school life from 7am-5pm (sometimes more with extra curriculars) versus the 9am-5pm where I am paid to do the tasks. I remember still having energy to do things afterwards and not be so burnt out. Is that youth that I just didn’t make the most of? Where the fuck did that energy go? 

I guess.. to say.. I miss my youth. god fucking damn it I don’t feel like it’s been that long but it has been nine years since I graduated high school. 

Falling down the rabbithole of negative thoughts now because realizing that it’s taking me almost a decade to finish my college degree. I could’ve finished Med School by now.. if I had done it at all. 

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MEEEEEEEE. Why do I feel so lost? Where did I goooooooo? 

I am currently 25. Experiencing my mid-life crisis. Navigating through this adulthood bullshit. Not to mention most of my early twenties have been consumed by unprecedented times~ I cannot help but feel like cheated. This was not what I hoped and dreamed about. 

why must everything be so difficult? 

what did younger me wanted to be doing? 

well. Sadly, all I remember is being told to go down a path I wasn’t so enthusiastic about. Being told all the good things I could accomplish if I went through this path and pretty much had everything laid out. 

Prior to graduating highschool, all I remember is doing the things that I enjoyed doing. Volleyball. Tumblr. Hanging out with my friends. Enjoying my time. 

Let’s just start with that.