ew

this’ll be your second birthday that you’re not here for.

none of it has gotten any easier.

i feel like i miss you more and more in different ways every single day and i feel like im never gonna connect with someone again in the same way i connected with you.

i can’t believe i gave up the best person i ever knew because i was a fucking stupid teenager.

the past year and a half has been all out war in my mind against my own guilt.

everyone keeps telling me that it’s not my fault, that i couldn’t have predicted what was going to happen, but i really, honestly, should’ve, knowing what i knew about you. knowing what i knew about us.

i should’ve reached out without pettiness or hate or an inflated ego or any of that.

i should’ve reached out with kindness and i should’ve at the very least tried to listen, but my stupid barely 18 year old self just couldn’t resist the drama.

i’m trying so hard every day to be better than that. i see you in the face of every struggling person, every kandi bracelet, and in every single one of my dreams. i know you’re gone, but a little part of me still refuses to believe it.

the city has its claws in me, for better or for worse.

the memories of everything i lost there

and the flashes of everything we’re going to build

all of it is beautiful in its own way

i know it’s been almost 5 months, which feels like both no time at all and an eternity, but i still have no idea how i feel about all of it.

i failed you horribly. i should’ve been there for you. i should’ve known you needed help when you reached out when i got back from toronto in early august. i’m so sorry that i took our friendship from you. i know how much it meant.

i’m also so sorry that i made you hate him more than you already did. regardless of the lies, regardless of the drama, your feelings were valid. you had been through something horrible and now we’ll never know the real story.

but still, you lied about something you knew i take incredibly seriously. you lied about that, you lied about your drug use, and you probably lied about so much more. you used me like an emotional crutch and i couldn’t handle that. you knew i couldn’t handle that.

but you still deserved so much better. i wish you had been able to ask for help in a way i could’ve understood. i wish i could’ve helped you. i will never forgive myself for losing you when i might’ve been able to do something.

but that’s how it goes i guess. you texted me to ask if i was still in toronto and then two weeks later, you were dead. you’re gone. nothing is the same.