Whenever I "study", I just end up falling in this loop of questioning my academic decisions, I used to keep on blaming other people for the misery I am now experiencing. I hate my course, I hate my school, and it's all because of my parents' fault when in reality, I just didn't have the spine to tell them what I actually wanted. I wanted to go to Ateneo. I wanted to study Psychology. I don't like Accounting, and that I won't be paying for our dream house.
It's when I'm studying where my brain wanders a lot. What could have happened if I fought for what I really wanted? What could have happened if I told them I didn't like the course as soon as I could have. What if I just unalive myself because it's usually how you trigger an isekai?
It's when I'm studying where I want to drink myself to sleep, to smoke the fuck out of my anger, and to sabotage my self at the highest level. It's also where I start overthinking for the inevitable future, and it's also where I mourn for the years I have wasted. Years that I could have utilized more if I was, am, will be doing something I'm genuinely interested in.
Sometimes, I want to be unalive for a brief moment. Just a breather. Sometimes, I want to slap myself, or starve myself, or hate myself. I want to get drunk, I want my lungs to burn, I want to skin my skin, I want to smash my head against the wall. Sometimes, I want to climb at the highest cliff, take a nap underneath an old tree, to wake up and to scream before jumping off the cliff.
But right now, I'll settle with staring at my lifeless ceiling with tears streaming down my cheek. Haha. Tangina.