Grist To The Mill

i’ve been in about 3 long term relationships and everytime I think the length of dating was proof of love

now i have been in a relationship with a complicated and tender girl for the past 5 months, and she is truest i have ever loved. 

she taught me vulnerability and plugged a genuine life into me that i could not do myself. this relationship challenged me in new ways that i might not have been prepared for. but who is ever really prepared? i’ve learned that chaos meddles itself into good things, and i am obligated to love the pain because it helps you grow. but fuck that, i was continuously growing in that relationship 

and yet she was unhappy. the trauma of never knowing permanence, the issues she constantly told me about herself, why did I ever believe that just love alone could pull through it. its me and not you, she kept reminding me. but my insecurities overwhelmed me like a flood in an instant. i went back to a place where i thought ‘oh this kind of love was never reserved for me’. all i want is to help her through her issues but its something she has to do alone.

we’re ‘working on each other’ now. everyday has been rough, i feel obnoxious begging for her internally. hope was something i used to cling on and now im not so sure anymore. im not up for the risk of having something so fufilling being taken away by chaos or chance. for now i’ll keep working on myself, but i feel a sense of heavy loss with everything i do

this is quote i’ve been reflecting on

“I'm the same man now that I was when I changed See, the birth of a star is a death of it's fate”