愚かな欲

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Akechi’s eyes widen slightly. A frightened bird? The analogy is almost funny. Crow’s don’t frighten easily, but he wasn’t wrong. His heart was pounding and there was nothing he could do to ease it. He closed his eyes as the other’s hand moved to cup his cheek, using all his will power to not lean into it. Once the other’s lips left his forehead Akechi’s head fell back down to look at the tile on the shower floor. He couldn’t tell if he was crying, or if it was just the water running down his face, ether way he was glad Kuebiko couldn’t see. 

As fingers ran through his hair he continued to look down. His mind blank. Akechi may have been drunk, lost, weak, but it was all his decisions that got him where he was now. He would never allow other people to choose his own path for him. Everything that ever happens in his life was by his hand, that is what he believed to be true. Even now. 

It wasn’t until he heard Kuebiko’s voice waver that he looked up. He was hurting, just as he was. Akechi’s mouth hung slightly open, waiting to say something, but couldn’t find the right words. He wanted to console him, hug him, make him his forever, but he knew it wasn’t possible. He was selfish, as he had told him and it was very true. But he too also knew when it was impossible to get the things they truly desire. 

Akechi wasn’t sure what that even was for him. What did he truly desire? Love? Companionship?  He wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was something simpler. Being wanted by someone else. To not be taken advantage of. Maybe that was it. 

He stayed still as the other removed his hands from him, leaving his cold and vulnerable. Even as the hot water consumed them both it was as if winter had arrived. One of Akechi’s hands wrapped itself around his hip and the other to let his head fall into. Whether or not he desired it, his heart had already been stolen. That much he was sure of. And another, was that he didn’t want Kuebiko to leave. Not now, not ever. 

“I-I’ll take it.” he whispered. His voice not as strong as he would have hoped. He swallowed, hard, before relaxing his arms to his sides once more, catching the other’s gaze in his. 

“Whatever you have to give, I’ll take it. And in return, it’s only fair…” he trailed off knowing if he continued his voice would give. He clenched his fists before finishing his thought. 

“T-that I give you mine. Give and take.” he told the other, allowing himself to smile slightly as he felt tears streaming down his face. 

      Akechi still seems to be hurting, this isn’t good, it shouldn’t be this way. What would be better, to give Akechi what he asks for even if it hurts him, or to hurt him by denying it because he doesn’t want Akechi to enter into something he doesn’t seem fully happy with? He thought he was done with decisions like this. And it isn’t fair, Akechi makes him so goddamn weak, he would do anything for those wine-red eyes.

“...Akechi” 

He doesn’t even know what he means to say, just that the name is a comfort to his tired tongue. “This is a partnership, it isn’t about you making do, or resigning yourself because you don’t want to lose something, don’t let me break your heart, don’t let me hurt you. You deserve better than that.”

He presses a kiss to Akechi’s cheek, another, hands soothing away tears and water. “I think you need to sleep on this. But I won’t leave, I promise, I’ll stay until you’ve thought about it and made your mind up.” he smiles, soft, gentle, it is less sad than he feels, he is an expert at wearing various masks after all.

A kiss to his jaw, and Kuebiko pulls away.

     “Let’s clean you up” it is achingly caring, genuine to an absolute. “Let me wash your hair for you, I think this shower is plenty big enough for you to sit or stand, don’t you? So, make yourself comfortable, and let me care for you.”

A hand moves to brush Akechi’s hair back again. “It’s okay to cry.” he finally adds. “I think you’re long overdo to do so” his hand moves down, a thumb brushes beneath a warm red eye. 

The water was warm against his skin, but Kuebiko felt like the sun. His heart skipping a beat as a hand was placed on his chest, his eyes half open as the other kisses the corner of his mouth. Akechi stayed quiet as Joker spoke, almost in a trance as he watched the water run through his hair and down his face. 

“I will love you with everything I have, and I will return to you without fail.” 

Love? Akechi had no idea how to love anyone. Return? Returning means leaving first. Akechi sighed, his eyes glued to the other’s chest as he couldn’t meet his eyes, listening to the rest of what Kuebiko had to say. His heart wrenched in his chest, teeth clenched, his fingers tightening their grip around his waist. Of course. Akechi knew this and yet here he was, allowing his emotions to drive his decisions. How foolish he had become. Kuebiko wasn’t Akira. He didn’t belong in his world. He had other places to be, other Akechi’s to face, to love. All of a sudden the detective felt so small. The tip of his nose stinging as he fought back tears. He placed a hand over the one on his chest and dropping the one on Kuebiko’s waist to his side. Akechi chuckled. 

“Of course. I’m not so special that I could hold you here. Hasn’t it always been that way?” he spoke soft, almost unsure the other hear him over the water. He was upset, more than he thought he’d ever be. 

“How can I have your heart if you’ve already given it to others?” he asked, his mind thinking back to his own Akira. Had he wished to give it to him, before he disappeared? He wasn’t sure. 

“I’ve told you. I’m selfish. If it isn’t all mine, then I don’t want it. But take mine if you so desire..Kue.” he said as he dropped the hand that was placed over Kuebiko’s to his side, lifting his head up to rest on the wall behind him, finally locking eyes with the other. 

     It’s a reaction he expected, but not one he desired; not selfishly, at least not mostly selfishly, but primarily because he had not wanted to hurt Akechi in this way, he would sooner suffer himself, he has always been as such. He is acutely attuned to the minutia of Akechi’s movements, and so he knows the answer before Akechi even speaks.

But of course, this is why he warns, he should have warned before this, if he were a better person, he would have, but he had been so caught up in it all, his heart twists painfully in his chest again, guilty. 

     “It isn’t about not being special. You are.” he smiles, it is soft, and sad, and sorry. I do not just give anyone control over me like that. He doesn’t say it, he fears it would come off too much like an attempt to guilt the man, rather than the explanation he would know it to be. It’s difficult, he wants to touch and comfort, but that would likely only make things worse.

He cannot stand to be a source of pain for others, he has only ever wanted to be something gentle, he has only ever wanted to be a sanctuary. Not being able to fix harm he has caused eats him alive.

     “...Your heart is beating like a frightened bird” the fingers curl  gently.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you this way, but I have, I can never hope to apologize enough for it.”

The hand not resting upon Akechi’s chest rises to cup his cheek, thumb sliding a slow, soothing line, and back, repeat. “This was wrong of me, I’ve taken advantage of you” and it’s true, Akechi had been drunk, and lost, and in love with a man he no longer has, and it had been Kueabiko’s job to be responsible, and he had not been, and this was the consequence.

“Your heart is not mine to steal in bad faith, Akechi” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the man’s forehead, it is adoring, but not sexual, nor sensual. “Whether I desire it or not is irrelevant, sometimes, we must live with the knowledge that we cannot have what we desire.” and Kuebiko has lived with this many times and in many ways: 

He would not change his Akechi--Acala--, but it does not change the fact that the man is too much made of broken glass to ever feel like he can be truly tender without so much blood involved, he would not change Yusuke either, but it does not change the fact that the man is so tender and soft and yielding and new that Kuebiko often feels he must be careful not to push him too hard or fast. 

People were different, love was different, lovers were different, and he liked that, loved that, loved them for who they were instead of what they could be.

     The hand on Akechi’s chest moves up to brush his wet hair back, his fingertips tremble, and he wills them still again.

“In this case” as so many others, “My feelings do not matter.” It’s funny, he loves deeply, endlessly so, too much, Kuebiko is not passive, but he is complacent, he has always been willing to suffer to help others succeed, he has never done anything truly selfish, has never done or taken anything just because he wanted it, because he needed it. No one has ever noticed; no one has ever called him out on it. But why should they? Most people are content with their own happiness.

Even now, he has no intention of fighting to make Akechi change his mind, or desire him, or make do, or compromise his own heart. He will fight, with everything he has, to make certain that Akechi is true to his own desires; what makes him happiest in the end.

His throat feels tight, how not surprising, he’s always had a hard time speaking under duress, there is a reason he prefers sign language, but he never had a chance to see if Akechi would understand it.

“I d-” his throat closes, and he swallows. “s-sorry, that, happens” each word feels full of needles. “In the end, I want, nothing from you” please, voice don’t fail him. 

“But for you to be happy. So” He holds Akechi’s gaze, it is the least he can do. The red of them hurts in the pit of his chest.

“So, I will go, or stay, as you desire, and I will ask nothing of you in return. I would never take your choice from you, I would never ask you to change your path for me.” 

I want to, rest my head on his shoulder-- --I won’t.

He forces his hands away, hoping Akechi cannot see the tremble in the tips of his fingers that he tries so hard to control before he can still it again.

     “...Tell me, if I should leave. But if you do, promise me, you don’t do anything to yourself once I am gone.”

Even now, all he wants is for Akechi to be okay.

What happens to Kuebiko? His feelings? His desires?

Well.

Akechi couldn’t help but smile, glad that his face was hidden. 

“Only time will tell. Isn’t that how it works?” he said simply before moving to sit up, to look his lover in the eyes. He unwrapped his arms around the other’s neck and place one hand on the other’s cheek. 

“And yes, because quite frankly, you look a mess.” he said with a small laugh as he struggled to stand up, offering a hand to the other. Akechi had always been very particular about who he let into his life. To be completely honest, there wasn’t one person in the world that really knew him, the real him. When he had first met Akira at the TV station he knew there was a connection, then of course after spending time with him he came to realize that his guess had been right. 

And that scared him beyond anything he could have ever encountered in a Palace, in Mementos, in anywhere or anything. 

His false heart led him to betray Akira’s trust in him, moved him to try and kill him in that interrogation room, then again in Shido’s Palace. He swore he’d never trust anyone, but somehow he wanted to put his faith in him. Now two, no. Maybe three years have past since then and his Akira was gone without a trace. He was angry at him, upset at himself for not being able to find him, and disappointed in how his life had turned out. 

But now, for whatever reason, Akechi wanted to put his faith in him again. Kuebiko may not be his Akira, but their memories are the same. Their souls are the same and in just the few short hours they had been together it was clear that Kuebiko was the only person in the entire world that would be able to truly come to understand Akechi. 

Once the two finally made their way to the bathroom, which was huge and just as extravagant as the rest of the house, he grabbed two towels and placed then on the rack next to the shower, that could fit 10 people or more inside, before leaning in the turn the water on, letting it warm up. After a few moments he turned to take Kuebiko’s hand and pulled him inside. Ah. The water stung his skin, as if it was melting all the anxiety, all the lust, all the hate from his body. Akechi was quiet, his mind lost in thought. It was truly unlike him, but even without words unspoken he wanted to show Kuebiko, to give him an answer to his previous question. 

He gently grabbed the other’s waist and pulled him close so his own back was pinned in the wall of the shower, finding his lips and catching them against his. The kiss was nothing but pure and innocent. Soft and almost fluttery. Akechi exhaled as their lips parted. He allowed himself to look at the God’s face, watching the water cascade down his cheeks. 

     “Of course” he replies, voice tender as ever, gentle. “Oh? And who did that to me?” amusement lacing the words fondly, all the same, he forces himself to his feet, a little shaky at first but otherwise none the worse for wear.

It’s funny, Kuebiko has his Akechi, he sits in another world as much a God as himself, twin and opposition, God and Devil; He had once wondered if the fondness he felt for other iterations of Akechi was simply a longing for his own, if he was a bad person for attempting to fill a hole that could never be filled, but he has his answers now, it is not the case, his actions, his feelings, they have always been deeply his own.

     Now is no different. This man is terribly angry, a dervish, whirlwind, wildfire spark. And he adores that, from him, as himself.

He’s almost fit to laugh as he’s pulled along, the low dim light, the city outside. It doesn’t feel real.

“Your shower is massive” he can’t help but laugh, “Are you holding meetings here?” 

When he smiles, it’s soft, but a touch wider than usual, and terribly genuine. The water almost makes him yelp, but it feels nice, runs the sweat-slick and cum from his skin. But there will be time for washing off entirely, for now, he allows Akechi to sweep him close, bringing his arms up about Akechi’s shoulders, a hand moving to tangle gently in his hair, it is neither demanding nor rough, simply the soft curl of even softer hair in his hands.

Their lips part, there is a flutter of eyelashes to clear a drop or two of water from them. The water roars, but it’s all background noise, simply fades into nonexistence with his concentration as he burns Akechi’s features into his memory.

     “A yes then...” he murmurs, the hand not in Akechi’s hair moves to rest upon his chest, a soft gesture, the thrum of Akechi’s heart beneath the palm of his hand. 

“...I’ll do my best to keep it safe”

His head tilts forward, kisses lain the corner of Akechi’s mouth.

“If you let me” how simple it would be, if he could leave it at that. “So this is the choice to make: I will keep your heart, if you choose to give it.” Akechi feels almost as warm as the water. 

“But I need you to understand, before you give anything more to me, and to agree before you do so, I will love you with everything I have, and I will return to you without fail.”

     This conversation always makes him anxious.

“But I won’t lie or keep secrets in this manner either, I have other loves as well, I always will, I can’t change this about myself; but I won’t demand your comfort either. What this is, with that knowledge, is up to you, and I won’t force it to be anything more than you desire or are comfortable in.”

Please don’t toss me out. Please do not snap.

It has happened before. He can take rejection gracefully; anger or the knowledge he’s hurt someone, far more difficult.

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Akechi’s hands traveled from Kuebiko’s cheeks, down slowly to his throat. Only his fingertips touched him, lightly, like beautiful kisses until he reached his collarbone. His eyes fixated on his fingers, lost in thought. He was still panting, but they had become softer, quieter. He glanced up to look at the God, his eyes somewhere between needy and submissive, something Akechi never thought he’d see in Joker. The detective huffed softly, almost as a laugh and leaned in to press his own cheek to the others as he reached around to finally free Kuebiko from his bindings. Once he had gotten them loose his head fell to the other’s shoulders, his arms wrapping around his neck. 

Ah. When was the last time Akechi had actually hugged someone? Shown someone true affection? Perhaps his mother? He couldn’t remember. The feeling was so foreign to him, but his body just moved on its own that he did it without a second thought. He breathed in the other, a mix of sweat, sex and something surprisingly like coffee. He tried not to let his emotions get the better of him, but being on the floor, naked, with Kuebiko made him feel so raw, so vulnerable. After a few moments, head still on the other’s shoulders, he spoke softly. 

“As if I’d let you go now.” 

He sat up slowly, brushing the hair from the God’s face, leaning in to press their foreheads together. He stared into his eyes before closing them. He sighed. 

“What have you done to me?” he asked. It was an innocent enough question, that perhaps Akechi already knew the answer too. 

     His arms ache from being bound, but not terribly so, just enough to make his tired movements a little more sluggish, arms moving up around Akechi even as the detective’s head comes to rest upon his shoulder, and Kuebiko’s in turn comes to rest upon Akechi’s on the opposing side.

It feels safe in the dark, and safer still with his face nuzzled into the curve of Akechi’s bare throat, his eyes fluttering half closed, as if he may begin to doze off then and there, he could, if he let himself. But he fears he would miss too much in doing so.

The air of the room feels pleasantly cool on his sweat tinged skin, and makes Akechi feel all the warmer where they touch.

     “You have never been the type to let something you desire go” he murmurs in return, voice lazy and slow against the other’s throat. “The fear has only ever been that I would not be that” And that has been true of many things in his life; what if I am not good enough, what can I do to be good enough?

Kuebiko had been an honor roll student back in school. He’d been accepted into a great college--and then dropped out. He had the trust of a cafe owner, a lawyer, a politician, a teacher, more. His whole life, he has only ever tried to do good, and to be good, in turn.

What have you done to me?

     He smiles, a soft, slow, real smile. “Have I stolen your heart, dear prince?” he murmurs, “One should never let a thief into their kingdom if they aren’t prepared to be stolen.” his fingers curl slightly, tracing idle lines across the back of Akechi’s neck.

“...Shall we clean up?”

Akechi’s thrusts grew harder with each swallow, each tightening of Kuebiko’s throat. His pants growing louder and harder as he tried to catch his breath. The detective kept a perfect rhythm, sliding his cock to where the God’s lips were around his head back all the way in to the base. Every so often he would hear a slight gag coming from the other, making his eyes roll back in pleasure. 

Akechi curved his body in, almost hunched over Kuebiko. His hands now tightly gripping the other’s hair. His pace started to stagger as Akechi began to reach his edge. 

“Jo-ker” Akechi moaned in between pants. He loosened one hand from the other’s hair and untied Kuebiko’s blindfold, tossing it to the floor, all while keeping his pace. Akechi grabbed the other’s jaw and tilted his head up, their eyes locking. God damn what a perfect sight. Akechi’s mouth hung open, almost gasping for air as he continued to fuck the God’s mouth. 

“T-take it. All.” he moaned out as he gave one last thrust and shut his eyes tight, moaning Kuebiko’s name as he came down the back of the God’s throat. Akechi quickly pulled out to allow him to breath before falling to his knees in front of him. He gave Kuebiko a few moments to collect himself before Akechi leaned in slowly, cupping the other’s cheek and placed the softest kiss he had all night on his cum stained lips, tasting himself in the process, which he didn’t seem to mind. 

“You’re amazing.” he breathed softly against his lips. 

     His throat aches, it is not unpleasant.

Akechi was a little taken back by the other’s seriousness. He words, the tone of his voice, made Akechi feel like he had just walked into a lions den, a hungry lions den. Something in the other man’s voice made his heart grow tight. He thought a little foreplay would be a good change in pace in his favor, but something about having him bonded meant something different to the God that Akechi couldn’t fully understand. As much as the detective would have like to skull fuck him until he came down his pretty little throat he held back, something about that now just didn’t feel right. 

He breathing hitched as he heard his first name leave the other’s lips. Akechi was nervous now more than ever. For no other reason that his heart was growing heavy for this man on his knees in front of him. The way he spoke, the way he lived. Akechi nodded slightly, knowing that Kuebiko couldn’t see him. He spoke slow, with honesty in his voice. 

“I understand.” was all he said before reaching down to hold the other’s jaw in place as he felt Kuebiko lean down to take all of his cock at once into his heated mouth. Once he felt lips at the base of his cock Akechi couldn’t help but to throw his head back, exhaled hard as if he had been holding his breath for hours. 

“Fuck-” Akechi moaned as his hand moved from the other’s jaw to tangle themselves in his messy hair. He took a deep breath and looked down to watch to show take place, memorized by what he saw. Kuebiko’s tongue running over the head of his cock, cleaning it as he went, lit a fire in the pit of Akechi’s stomach, making his already rock hard cock throb in his mouth. 

They stayed this way for several moments, Akechi enjoying the way Kuebiko’s mouth worked around his cock, but the detective was at his limit. He had told the God what he wanted and he was going to have it. 

“How does my cock taste?” he growled at the other as he pushed slightly forward, forcing the other to take more down his throat. The tightness of his throat was almost too much to bear. He placed each of his hands on the other side of Kuebiko’s face, his heart beating like drums in his ears, his face flushed at the sight. 

“Be still for me.” he commanded as he held Kuebiko’s head in place and moved his hips a bit faster, a bit deeper. 

“Make me cum. Earn it from me. I want it down your pretty little throat.” 

“A-ke-chi” 

He felt his heart jump as the sound of Kuebiko’s voice as he finally reached his limit. What a beautiful sound, almost as if he was in pain. It was pure bliss to the detective’s ears, but he couldn’t ignore the all too familiar feeling of something filling his insides up and it made him tense up around the other’s cock. Waiting impatiently for the other to ride out his orgasm. 

Soft kisses pressed against his lips, breathing in Kuebiko’s pants, devouring them with each exhale. He was about to reciprocate until he felt a hand wrapped around his now throbbing cock. Akechi’s voice caught in his throat for a moment before answering. 

“How could I not be after watching you come unraveled.” it wasn’t a lie. Akechi did in fact love the feeling and decided for once, to let the other in. 

“It is only a connection between us that I already knew was there.” Akechi breathed as the other’s lips were now at his jaw, thumb sliding over the head of his cock. He couldn’t help but lean in head back in the pillows, allowing the feeling the wash over him. 

“A-ah..” he moaned as the other’s teeth nip at his neck, listening to his words. Maybe he was right. Akechi couldn’t help but feel that way now. Like hell however; that’s he’d admit to it. 

Trying hard to not focus on the other’s grip around his needy cock he moved both hands and placed them on the other’s hips. He then caught the other’s eyes and looked deep into them, as if to find something lost. They were deep and dark, they were full of lust and dare he say love, but now wasn’t the time for superficial things such as love. Akechi lived for lust. That’s all he needed now.

“I don’t believe I ever agreed in being yours.” Akechi said in a growl, but with a smirk, thinking up his next plan. He pushed slightly, letting the other know it was okay to pull out of him. It was all Akechi could do not to gasp as the length slipped out of him, cum spilling out. He finally allowed his body to relax before glancing up to Kuebiko. 

“I’ve played your game.” he said as he sat up and carefully threw his legs over the bed. 

“Now it’s my turn. Get on your knees and don’t move.” Akechi was now standing up looking down at Kuebiko who was still seated on the bed. He leaned in and grabbed his jaw, planting a soft, but demanding kiss on the other’s lips before leaving to clean himself up. 

After a few minutes Akechi walked back into the room with a couple of his ties. He smirked at the God. 

“Close your eyes.” he said simply hoping the other would comply as he walked over slowly to him and tied the tie around his head to cover his eyes and another to tie his hands behind his back. After finishing the job Akechi took a step back to look at his masterpiece. He hummed as he felt his cock twitch before stepping forward and place the head of his cock to Kuebiko’s lips. 

“Suck me.” the commanded. 

I don’t think I ever agreed to being yours.

“No” he smiles, fond, “You didn’t, I do not think anyone, God or not, can claim you.” he admits, “I would not have it any other way. I will earn you, or not have you at all.” it is as simple as that. A whine catches in his throat when he is forced away, he’s hard again, had sort of been banking on filling Akechi again, but if the man is done--

He watches Akechi as he moves to the edge of the bed, stands to leave. Get on your knees, don’t move.

He obeys, inquisitive.

He almost follows after a time, until Akechi returns.