Just Things That Make Us Cum

Sing “hit me baby one more time” during a spanking.

Squirt lube/squirty cream in his face and tell him I’m into ‘giving’ facials.

Hide his spanking implements and replace them with Pokemon cards and chocolate bars.

Use the Hitachi Wand as a pretend microphone.

Say “now make me a sandwich” after he’s made me cum.

Ask if he “kisses his momma with that mouth” while he’s dirty talking.

Shout “ThunderCats are go” when he’s about to cum.

Roll my eyes.

Stomp my feet.

Spank him with a spatula.

Refer to him as “my bitch”

Decorate with stickers, or attach balloons to his toy collection.

Put nipple clamps on the chicken breasts in his fridge.

Glue all the pegs together.

Say “good girl” or “left a bit, right a bit” or hand him an A to Z while he’s performing oral sex on me.

Recite the plot to High School Musical when he asks me how my day has been.

Replace the contents of his underwear drawer with pretty girl knickers.

Fill his pockets full of sequins and glitter.

Draw a willy on his face while he sleeps.

Draw a face on his willy while he sleeps.

Attempt to capture/kidnap/restrain him. He is much taller, stronger, smarter, and meaner than me. Remember that!

Use his rope for skipping.

Refer to the kitchen as “his office”

Change his desktop wallpaper to a collage of kittens, cupcakes and hearts.

Change his ringtone to Justin Bieber.

Shout “Hammer Time” when he tells me to stop.

Text him random facts about cats in the middle of the night.

Ask “is it in yet?”

Call him Daddy in the supermarket, while squeezing his bum.

Shout “you shall not pass” when he tries to insert his penis into me.

Ask him to “take the Ring to Mordor” and hand him a cock ring.

Refer to sex as porking or making bacon.

Talk to him all about bacteria when he asks for dirty talk.

Call his penis Princess Fluffykins/Pretty McPrettyton/a grown up lollipop.

Say “she shoots, she scores” or score him out of ten after we’ve done the blanket dance.

Ask if he has his man period.

Stomp my feet and say “but I want to ride the penis”

Gargle his man juice, or wipe it on his curtains.

Pretend to choke to death.

Use Bazinga as a safeword.

Compare his penis to a strap on, and threaten him with it.

Ask “are we there yet?” during sex.

Make sheep noises.

Measure/hit his penis with a spoon.

Say “mmm you smell like my dad”

Rickroll him during sex.

Shout “trolls, trolls, the fucking trolls” in the middle of the night.

Go cock eyed while looking up during a blow job.

Pull his hair and call him Mary.

Make him roses out of cum tissues.

Stop mid hand job and ask him to pull my finger.

Fall asleep during luuuuuurve making.

Sing the Hokey Cokey while he contours me into different positions.

Threaten him with vegetables.

Ask if he’s paying with cash or credit card.

Punch the air/do the “I got laid” dance after sex.

Disagree with his choice of punishment, and recommend my own.

Call him a wuss/girl/wimp/pussy. It hurts.

Threaten to stop tending my lady garden.

Write threats on the bathroom mirror.

Tell him I want a knickerbocker glory. We have different ideas of what this is!

Put vegetables/slices of meat in his bed and tell him he has upset the local farmers market mafia.

Shout “safeword” or “hard limit” when he tries to express his feelings.

Perform surprise popping candy blow jobs.

Do a Gollum impression and say “my precious” when he whispers threats in my ear.

Continue to reference Lord of the Rings.

Hogtie him while he sleeps. Boundaries. Consent. I’m learning.

Do ice down his pants surprise attacks.

Shout “beam me up, Scotty” when pulls out a Hitachi wand.

Jump up and down on his bed while shouting “look at me! Check me out! I’m so awesome! I can swim like a motherfucking fish!”

Ask him where he thinks our relationship is going?, What’s on the tellybox later?, How his mum is doing? when he’s about to cum.

Hide chocolate buttons in his fleshlight. Chocolate willy surprise!

Sew his belt to his pants.

- hearing him growel “cum for me” into my ear

- the feeling of him stroking my back and hair to help me fall asleep

- sucking on his fingers that he shoves in my mouth while he plays with my pussy

- the expression on his face when I give him head (and him telling me what a good job I’m doing) 

- when he’s still half asleep in the morning and realizes he’s not by me so he reaches over to snuggle me

- the feeling of his warm cum all over my tits