Flow✌

When I was little

All I ever heard was

“Let me see that smile”.

And I used to give it up for free.

Teeth spreading from cheek to cheek;

It was all so simple back then.

Not a single thought had to cross my mind,

Before I decided to grin.

  But now,

I don’t know.

Something’s different.

  I have to fake it to make it

Or to not be asked “what’s wrong”?

Because even though I know they don’t care,

I still play along.

I still bat my eyes,

And put up a coy-ish front.

I open my mouth slightly

And give them what they want.

  But for once,

Just once.

I want to be unkind.

See what it gets me.

Then make up my mind.

Do I want to go through

The rest of my life,

Pleasing others and not putting up

A fight?

Or pleasing myself

And doing things worth the while,

With people who lift up and look under

Tell me what I did 

To make you change 

My life forever.

Don't be flattered,

It's was nothing good

And you know it.

How can you sleep at night,

Knowing that I can't.

I'm overwhelmed 

& underestimated 

By you.

Apologies mean NOTHING 

At this point.

How did you obtain

Enough power to make me 

Doubt myself? My mental health.

I will always remember you,

But again...don't be exalted

Because my words spew nothing 

But negativity.

It's going to take the end of me 

To forgive, you

Repeat, delete,

Never complete;

Permanent,

Ink stained skin.

Bruised and beaten…

For the sake of self-expression.

Blood dripped and swollen;

The art sets in.

Colors grip the pigments

Of our ever living flesh.

Sketch me effortlessly,

Color me beautiful.

Make me a mystery;

Abstract, unusual.

Capture my spirit

With the stroke of your brush.

Outline my voice,

My cry, my hush.

Shade my curves,

Lighten my smile,

Darken my eyes;

A sight worthwhile.

Create a legend of me,

Gleaming and glamorous.

I am human, I am art.

All the quiet time in the world

Won’t do me any favors or good

Because my thoughts are bunched in a bag

Not leaving, even the ones I wish would

Heavy, pressing my brain from the inside out

I carry these thoughts everywhere

The ones I’ve “forgotten” are still stuffed away,

Somewhere in there.

I can’t get away.

Even in the silence of my surroundings

I hear them screaming, screeching

These migraines, I can’t get off of me

They shake the bag around

As if trying to get them ready for random selection

But picking won’t do me any good

Because back in the bag they go

I could’ve sworn they were dealt with            

But back in the bag they go

Go, go!

I wouldn’t wish these thoughts on my biggest foe

Because they don’t leave

Like tiny ants crawling all over me

I’m jumping around, running away…

But they stay.

I just want a little quiet time

So I could get some things done

But they follow me

Even in the most sleepless nights & on the busiest days

They tease, they play

I feel as though I’m alone.

Nobody sees me, I’m invisible.

Surrounded by people who “love” me,

But still, I feel so alone.

  I guess it’s all in my head.

Another misunderstood teen,

Complaining about life…again.

But it feels like something more.

  My tales are inconsistent,

Because it changes from day to day.

So back in my head, I go;

To nurture a broken soul,

The best way I know, alone.

  I live, I laugh, and I Iove.

But the bad always seems to outweigh the good.

I keep quiet, but I’m screaming inside,

Shaking uncontrollably, don’t I look so calm? Sure.

Last night I had a dream;

More like a fantasy.

I was having a conversation with a guy,

When all of a sudden his words faded.

All my concentration went to the beauty above his nose.

They reminded me of brown sugar;

Sweet and rough.

He had a hypnotizing stare

That would lock him in your heart and leave him there.

Through his eyes you could see his soul;

I’ve never met a guy so beautiful.

It’s like he was custom made for my glee.

Those eyes opened wide and focused just on me.

The feeling that was there, I hadn’t felt before.

That moment lasted forever and forever more.

I started to hear his voice again, and then the talking stopped.

I apologized for staring and then our eyes locked.

At that moment that never stopped,

We both had realized that our love for each other was strong

I hate the fact that you lied.

I hate when my eyes are misty,

And everyone knows I’ve cried.

I hate when they ask what happened to us

And where you went.

Now I’ve got to cover up your mistakes

And omit the time we spent.

Amnesia of the heart

And absent minded.

I walk around in a daze,

As if I’ve been blinded.

  I miss you,

But shhh… No one is supposed to know.

I been with you through everything,

But now where am I supposed to go?

What’s my new path?

I’ve come to this fork in the road.

Could never have imagined,

That all the options I once had would be narrowed.

It’s crazy how things change in a matter of minutes.

And even though I feel so lost,

I believe I’m strong enough to conquer this