Twitter: The Comic

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

We're here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful, so goggles on please

"Look, son! I built a time machine!"Dad, you just put some glow sticks on the minivan.*dad pulls a gun*"Get in the fucking time machine."

MISSED CONNECTION: It was 1997. We were at the park, playing freeze tag. You froze me then went home. Please come back, I want to live life.

*picks up rattlesnake* yo check out this weird spagehti haha *gets bited* OH MY H*CK THIS IS OUCH SPOGETYI

Tumblr is a computer generated dream world, built in order to change a human being into this *morpheus holds up poorly drawn anime dragon*

Me: Honey, have you seen my favorite turd?wife: yeah it's in the laundry room, I washed it this morning Me: you WHAT

Me in Hell: i *like* this. i enjoy suffering, it rocks atuallySatan [exasperated]: this guy is owning me! this guy is owning all of hell!!

mr owl, how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop? [owls head rotates, begins to spit blood, eyes firing lasers]

please have a seat. as your doctor I suggest *opens up desk drawer, it's full of raw hotdogs* um I suggest you *stares at those dogs* ummmmm

“You have 3 wishes"*smirking*I wish*genie catches on**we start belting*YOU'D STEP BACK FROM THAT LEDGE MY FRIEND*we accidentally kiss*

You say you kissed a girl?! Hot crackers, whatta scoop! Now *tips back hat w/ little sign that says "PRESS"* did you learn how they pee

"all i want for christmas is true love" shut up fcuker you want a video game and Ted on bluray

*xenomorph bursts from my chest* Ha ha, get back in there little guy, it's too early!*alien reluctantly takes off tiny party hat*