Bad. Fucking. Days. That is the creative attention grabbing title of this chapter. We all have them. They sneak into your weeks slowly and silently, bringing their anguish and poignancy with them. They are ants and for some reason we are the food that got left on the ground at the picnic.

 I’m sorry we have had such little time together and I’m already getting down to the negatives. Listen, heartbreak isn’t cute and healing isn’t all face masks and hot baths. If that’s what you’re looking for I suggest you read something else.

Today for me, was a Bad Fucking Day. Today was a promising Sunday until it wasn’t. I found myself driving around for hours just not wanting to return home, because home is where the thoughts hit the hardest. At least if I’m out driving with One Direction turned all the way up I won’t be able to hear his voice in my head. That’s where I am in life right now. The louder the music the less of my brain I’ll hear. On my mysterious and adventurous journey I drove to his house. My hands and eyes lead me there like they had for months before. It was like I had never stopped going there. I felt the excitement in my heart, the same excitement that I felt when previously nearing his house. The feeling of knowing I would soon be happy. It hurt. I’ll admit, driving those roads and passing his house hurt. I saw his mom’s retched mini van in their driveway and it really hurt. I constantly am hurt because of this boy. This high school boy has me broken in pieces like that One vase we all broke when we were younger. 

It’s hard to think that literally everyone on earth feels this at some point in their life and most of them make it through. They get to the other side and they find their happiness. Right now it feels absolutely impossible. I miss him. It’s extremely easy to forget the bad memories but it’s ten times harder to forget the great ones. It’s too hard to forget every smile and every laugh. I hear his annoying ass laugh in my head every day. I still feel his lips on mine and his hands folded in my own. 

BUTTTT, here’s the good thing! I promise there is good in this chapter. There will be those days. There will be thousands of those days. But you and I, we need to push through. The universe isn’t built for us to give up. I promise I will continue fighting everyday if you do too. That is the deal. We’re all in this together. Bad days are exactly what they say they are. Bad days. What you don’t think about while experiencing one of these, so called days, is that THERE ARE ALSO GOOD DAYS! We are given good days. Cherish those days with every ounce of your being. Hold those days close to your heart and never forget them. Knowing that there are great happy days ahead is the secret key to Pushing Through. 

I will heal. I will get better. He is not worth my happiness. 

Two months, two days and four hours. It has been ninety-one thousand nine hundred seventy eight minutes since I felt That pain for the first time. I felt heartbreak and loss. I lost the person who I thought I was going to have for a long time. But I’m writing this as a healing process so the gory high school drama details of my, as you can tell tragic first love story, will be excluded from these writings. First off, let’s focus on me. I love painting and screaming 2014 Top Hits in my car going 90 down the highway. I love my friends and I love my family. My personality has me constantly looking for more. More adventure, more excitement, more love. Every emotion that I feel I feel hard. I love with my whole heart and that is a gift I’ve been given. I am rich with empathy and compassion for the people who are close to me. But as tragic as it may sound it is a tremendous burden. With all the love comes the betrayal you feel when your love is wasted. That feeling can leave even the very best of us lost and hurting. As humans we all heal on our own time and in our own ways and knowing that fact is in my opinion the first step to healing. Take your time. Do NOT think negatively about yourself if you are not healing as fast as your peers.