XXVII

”your inner strength is the reason you haven't said a word but your counting has revealed the bad day that you've endured it's probably not the first and not the last to be assured the past is fleeting the future a promise present keeping us moving forward with hope we seek true happiness throughout our lives with trials we face bring pain and sorrow, but resistance is strength the easy path rarely leads to what our heart truly desires in this life we must face many a worthy challenge for the outcome to satisfy us to win in spite of struggle implies much greater magnification to ones honor which i value more than instant gratification so believe me when i say that time can heal most any wound and ease most pain, yet the scars remain until the day we lay in tomb so please know nothing in this moment is the same as a moment ago each one that pass is a treasure lost...” -big rabe

♬ blossom dearie by ravyn lenae

there are distinctly two days in my life in which i remember where i not only tolerated the rain but genuinely enjoyed it. 

the first was around the spring of 2011 when i was able to see paris for the very first time. we were on the top deck of the tour bus and it started to drizzle. i usually dislike that kind of weather, but for once, i felt like everything around me was somehow more beautiful and glorious, even in the rain. 

the second was the day we worked together during winter break and had to run an errand outside and table an event alone together for the first time. i think that was the first day that i felt the spark between us. you’d been someone i was already so familiar with, yet this day when it was just us two, something felt different. how close we walked together. how our hands almost touched holding the umbrella. and in all the loveliest ways i wish i could relive. 

                                               *         *          *         *

i know how hard i’ve been working to stay afloat and strive on after this loss of love. i’ve allowed myself to grieve appropriately but also am now finding so much more acceptance than i expected a this point in time. of course it comes in waves but i find that more of my thoughts the past week has been filled with acceptance and maturity and... i know there was strength needed to attain that and i need to remind myself of it. 

“and what do i have to lose? but everything better to gain?” was the statement that empowered me again and kindled a fire inside. 

i have given and loved holistically and given some more and yet i lay here still whole. unbroken and still capable of love. and friendship. and loyalty to the end and back. i don’t know why i’ve let myself remain feeling low when this was your fear coming true, after all. this was what you were afraid of happening yet your decisions led us there anyway. 

♪ sleep talking by ravyn lenae

i heard a song on tv, read its lyrics and could not stop the tears from falling down my face. at work, i can have a good day and in the midst of a moment, every atom in my body misses you, misses us. i drive home listening to music and content and the feeling of living without you washes over me and kills me little by little. i write to myself instead of telling you my words because i hesitate--hesitate in being that vulnerable fool that will always just be a little too emotional, a little too heavy, a little too deep for you. but that is where my humanity lies and i remind myself i am still and will always be someone you fell in love with. one that was worth everything we’ve gone through.

when i am just a little more vulnerable than i would like, that is when i’m met with the dilemma of letting you be aware of these emotions or just keep it to myself. i tell myself to give it time. i have not healed completely. i cannot heal completely for a while. reminding myself that if we ever rekindled this, after time, after growth, after... that this love would be proven as real and everlasting. i wish i could have you in front of me again, kissing my forehead and softly saying that everything will be alright. for us. and me believing it without a doubt. but i no longer know what is real and what you feel and what lies within you. i don’t think this is reciprocated anymore and that is the thought that hurts the most. 

i know i have been strong for so many days. for most of this time i know i have. kept myself busy and developed better, healthier habits for me mentally and emotionally. but right now i am still not sure how to alter my world whereas you are no longer a weakness for me. because i have loved you so. and that seems to be the only thing i know, and still want... to do. 

june 16, 2018; 11:42pm

july 17, 2018; 11:46pm

in the life of a rose, i’ve lived and died a hundred times

you’ve watched me open... bloom... wilt... rot

and start over

you watch me again and again and again and again

and each time

my time, measured in light, final breaths, finding, losing

time, giving so much

and then taking everything away

and i wonder this time, next year, what will it look like?

with my guesses so often, so wrong

i wonder what beginning, what end waits for me

will i have accepted the things that i cannot change?

and will i have changed the things i cannot accept?

this time, next time, about time

-sabrina claudio

towards the first couple of months of this--i guess, healing period, i was able to immerse myself in reading and got through about three or so books with this one sabrina claudio album on loop throughout it all. i found the alchemist at barnes and noble one day and fell quickly in love with it. it was exactly the motivation, optimism and faith i needed to carry on, and i was so grateful to have found it at the right time for my life. 

i was given roxane gay’s difficult women to read as part of a sweet care package my best friend put together for me. and once more, it was exactly what i needed at the right time. there was this one story that stood out the most for me, the one about the glass woman married to the stone thrower. although almost everything in that book was incredible, this was one i felt the most. i can’t adequately explain why that is, but i remember needing to pause after the last line and empathizing so much... in a way it reassured me of the complexities of womanhood, flawed and messy as they may be, but completely human. 

♪ you changed // kelly, beyoncé, michelle

♪ pretty wings // maxwell

♪ merry happy // kate nash

i am grateful for countless things, i remind myself each day and night. with utmost certainty i know that i needed this. i needed to feel this low, these depths that i have to fight my way out of. every time i have felt this way in the past--and god, don’t i know it because i have years of them documented here--i came out of them always, always being stronger and with a better sense of clarity and identity. i feel that now. i’m finding myself back in ways that have healed me in the past, ways and actions that make me so content and proud to be myself. so i will remember to welcome it, and to allow myself to experience this process as much as it hurts, as much as it inconveniences me. i needed this. 

true love waits by radiohead

i met a guy at eighteen, he was twenty. said all the right things and charmed me to no end. he’d play me melodies on his keyboard, a mix of my favorites and some of his own lovely creations. i don’t think he realized the beauty in his own art. he was a best friend to me and nobody had known. years flew by. i felt love and i thought it was real, but deep down i knew it could never be reciprocated. not truly. that’s when i learned love isn’t enough. 

i met a guy at twenty. he introduced himself and suddenly an exciting world appeared. despite the distance we’d speak for hours daily until the early morning. he fell asleep one night and i whispered i love you. it was soon but i knew it was real this time. he loved me in return, sincerely and completely. he called me his dream girl. like he was proud to have me, he introduced me to his whole world. he sang along to the xx’s angels as he looked in my eyes, even though i admitted it makes me cry every time. but the more we fought the more it unraveled and he wanted to give up. that’s when i learned love isn’t enough. 

i met a guy at work in college. i admired him so and to my surprise he felt the same way for me for just as long. we talked until five in the morning one day, and almost nonstop for an entire weekend--leading up to us seeing each other the following morning, in a new light. he held me and i felt more safe than ever. my heart would beat so fast i could not sleep. he kissed me. he shared it was surreal what we had between us. the most serendipitous occurrence, it felt like. i was in awe; in bliss; in love. passionately and unconditionally. he wasn’t ready. but i did not know how to not give it my all. he taught me forgiveness. he taught me patience. he led me to new aspirations. and all the while he tried for me, out of love, out of desire, out of the longing. eventually it was too much. that’s when i learned love is never enough. 

the past couple of weeks have broken me down and built me up in a terrible cycle. i was glad to finally have mustered up enough strength for myself, but all up until the drive to where you’d be. and i can honestly say that i felt seven different emotions all at once. but it was a good reminder of reality, and a good reminder for myself that i deserve more, better, someone who will step up--because that’s what loving someone is. as raw and as emotional and as brutally honest as i have been last night, i am so relieved and glad to have said everything weighing on my shoulders. every bit of pettiness and jealousy and insecurity, the lack of feeling safe as i remember i so quickly felt with you... i’ve let every bit of that out and i hope it’ll bring me closer to finally being able to find peace and let go.

i’ve thought before that i never want to let my pain cloud over me and over all of my emotions. i still consider our memories from the point of view of who we once were: happy and in love and blissful. surreal, remember? i remind myself of that innocence and that humanity of it all because i know how genuine it really was and i never want to let how much i hurt erase that past. i never want to forget the fact that i chose to be here, i chose to put myself in this position wherein the person i was loving was simply not ready. i chose it, i know, and you are not at fault for that. but what i don’t believe in is love that refuses to listen, to be empathetic, and caring, and considerate, and patiently reassuring, and... sigh... when it matters the most. 

the more i think about it... to love is courageous as hell. to allow oneself to be holistically generous and open with your being, your emotions, yet to have enough self respect and need for survival to also retain some for self preservation and resilience. i know i have done that, sincerely so, and no amount of pain would ever take that away from me. this is the most i have loved in this way and i allowed myself to live without walls and let someone fully in, through my darkest, most of all. and for a first, real fucking love, i know it was not easy. 

you know, they say the more you experience and live through all this, the better you know exactly what and who you need--and i didn’t think i’d grow so much within a year, having that wisdom within me already. i’ve been asking myself if it’s unfair that the standards i set for myself as a person, friend or lover are the ones i reflect and expect from others, especially those closest to me...

♬ lost queen by pharrell

♬ the ways by khalid and swae lee

♪ ex-factor / when it hurts so bad by lauryn hill

april 10, 2018

i keep telling myself to write... as much as i don’t feel like it and even though i’m no longer as eager about it as i used to be. but it has healed me before. and it gave me my catharsis and moments all zones in for me and my emotions. i know i need to, especially now, because i can’t think about it in length... or say words out loud and open up without shedding a tear. i know i have so much--so much more of this pain to live through. 

care for me, care for me, you said you care for me

there for me, there for me, said you’d be there for me

i don’t know how to love it... i don’t know how to love this process time after time. i wish i did, you know? i wish i loved it in the same way i appreciate my growth and my flaws daily. 

people closest to me remind me that it’s been brave and beautiful to give all that i have given. they remind me it hurts because it was real and i am human. they remind me of my worth and... 

give to me, give to me

it’s easy to be angry about it. it’s easy to be upset and hurtful and be in the empowered realm i am all too familiar with. and i allow myself to feel it all, without restriction and with kindness to myself every step of the way. i allow myself to feel all those to stand up for my being--during the moments you aren’t there for me. and don’t have my back like you reassured me before. but there exists the tenderness that i think i will always feel for you. the tenderness that was never resentful of the fact that you weren’t ever ready. i gave it everything i had, every ounce of goodness and every bit of my flawed love. but i know you gave it what you could from your end, as difficult and conflicting as it was for you. 

♪ a case of you (cover) / the wilhelm scream by james blake

sigh

i. clearness (robotaki remix) 

i’d like to rediscover that version of me: the one who spent late nights over her catharsis, her silent therapist--genuine, bare, vulnerable--every time it was necessary and relieving. i even missed the way the keys felt, patient as i collected my words and took the time to be lovelier with my thoughts so even i could make sense of them time and time again. i wish i were brave enough for therapy, to be on the other side of it all, without a shaky voice and being incoherent in front of another being. until then... this will do. once more. 

ii. love drought

i always strived to be the kind of individual who was abundant in love and strength and grace. one who overflowed with it all, no matter how much it was given, and no matter its immensity. in a way i’ve promised myself never to let another make me feel numb and empty and broken. i would endure, and i would be stronger than expected. 

throughout the past year i’ve put forth more grace, more forgiveness and more strength than possibly anyone in such an unconventional situation would be able to. i know that and i can’t say i’m not proud of it. the love i’ve put forth was greater than anything i’ve given to another-- more patient and with as much empathy as i had in me. and that was all for love, i told myself. it was all for the love i asked for that i so luckily was granted in the best, most surprising way. i knew within myself that my flaws were nothing but an acceptable balance to all that i was able to offer, all the goodness i had in me. if i could love that humanity inside me... 

iii. true love waits

♬ faithful by common

♬ turn your lights down low by lauryn hill and bob marley

today i thought to myself that i’ve documented countless moments and experiences in my past here... and so perhaps the greatest of them needs to be among those.

                                                      *      *      *

common’s faithful was playing in the background when i finally whispered, “i love you” and it was quickly reciprocated in an amazing way that i’ll never forget. but we knew. he knew and i knew even i before i think we both expected to; and like a breath, it felt entirely natural. and right. like this is where i’m supposed to be. 

it wasn’t very long ago when i wrote this out:

january 4th, 2017; 10:50pm

...then to carry out my personal midnight-song tradition, i chose “all night” this year for the simple desire of wanting to feel and be enveloped by romantic love again. i feel like i’m due to feel that way at least. after all of this time i know i deserve the reciprocation of what i’m capable of giving.

i feel so grateful to have reached a point where i’m comfortable with myself and the kind of being and presence i put forth. i’m lucky that i have friends and close coworkers who see me for how i wanna be seen and perceived, as i can just be comfortably authentic with them everyday. additionally the fact that i’m completing my undergrad this year is something that yeah, scares me a bit, but i also know there’s so much for me to celebrate internally because of how much i’ve changed for the better within this time. i know exactly the kind of person i was when i came into it and that’s all i think of as i reach the end.

i don’t really know what this year has for me but surely it’ll leave me exactly where i need to be regardless. if there’s anything i trust, it’s that.

a time when i dismissed vulnerability and asked for love because i knew i could use it at this moment in time. and there it was, right in front of me for the longest time, reciprocating my feelings entirely and i didn’t even know about it. an over nine-hour conversation culminating at five in the morning changed everything for me overnight. i couldn’t even sleep out of disbelief. i’ve never felt strongly for somebody in front of me and had them feel the same, if not more, for me the whole time. 

it’s an incredible feeling to be with someone who values my happiness more than i even have for myself. i’ve never encountered a love so selfless and genuine, a love that i didn’t have to work to attain, nor one that... leaves me speechless sometimes. i can’t explain the way it feels to have somebody see you in the way you’ve always wanted to be seen, in terms of growth and everything that has led to that. for someone to see me at my best and throughout all of my flaws and to still see me in such a light at the end of the day. and to be compatible in the most important ways, and effortlessly makes me optimistic about the future, every fucking day. 

a surprise one morning at the start, too, when he titled a playlist “surreal,” full of songs reminding them of me and that they would think i’d like. and i’ve thought to myself everyday until even now: this is for me? this experience right now is happening, to me? because as much as i feel i’m due to feel this, it feels entirely incredible and i don’t think i can ever explain it as well as i wish i could. because everything i’m feeling lately deserves that.

this has been my favorite serendipity. and to borrow from fitzgerald: 

i love him, and it’s the beginning of everything.