Turtleism

I miss you.. and wished that you missed me too.

Became friends.

Became lovers,

Only to be strangers again. 

To once always talking, 

To once always laughing,

To once always loving,

To once always thinking of you.

Through these past 24 hours, I learned about hate, betrayal, trust, loss, sadness, and pain. After hearing the more developing story.. I now know that you’re not worth it. For the amount of history that we’ve had and for you to throw it all away is out of my control. I’m just happy to say that I gave all my best and if that wasn’t enough to make you stay, then it’s really your loss.

I know my self worth. I know that I’m amazing, kind, sweet, funny, silly, caring, and moody at times. I know that I have loved you as humanly possible giving you my time, energy, attention, loyalty, and love. I know sometimes I spread myself thin too, but if I would do it all again, I would do it for you.

I wish you knew how much I loved you, how much I cared for you, how much I wanted the best for you, and how much I needed you.. but that was never enough. I wish you knew how much pain and suffering you put me through and how it felt like my heart was bleeding with a million shards of glass, and how much it made me hate you.. I wish you knew how hard it was for me to archive almost 500 photos of our memories and of us away, and how hard it was for me to just try to donate some stuffed animals you have given me. I wish you knew how much I broke down and really didn’t want to let go.. but I have to. I deserve that much.

Thanks for making me realize that our love and relationship was trash to you. And you’re someone I would have never expected this from, NEVER.. In a million years..

I was invested in us, I was in LOVE with you and I wanted to spend the rest of my fucking life with you. I was loyal and faithful, and I had so much trust in you.. but you broke it.. and I don’t think I can ever forgive you. I tried being the best girlfriend I could be, I gave 1000% of my efforts in being the best I could.. to even get your friends and family to love me. I put in so much effort thinking about cheesy gifts for you and your family. I opened up to you in every way I could.. and you still did this.

Sometimes I overthink a little too much.. I wish i didn’t, but I do. Ever since I was a child, there has always been something inside of me telling me about all the things that would go wrong or could happen. Sometimes, it’s right and sometimes it’s wrong..  and sometimes I think of scenarios of “what-ifs” in my head and I end up hurting more. I wish there was a way for me to stop overthinking and to snap out of the negativity and sadness, but it’s much easier said than done. Something always pulls me down, but I try not to express it by smiling or pretending everything is okay, when it’s really not. When I do say something, I end up hurting the other person and it’s really not my intention.. So sometimes, I just try to keep the thoughts to myself and it ends up hurting me too..

Now that we’re apart, I can’t help but think that I was partially right.. That there is someone out there that understands you more than me, that I was never able to give you what you needed since I’m not good at reading others. I know it’s something I have to work on and that my brain runs on a million thoughts a second, but i’m trying.. I really want this to work, but it’s a little too late. 

The more I talk about it, the more I know it’s really the end. My heart feels heavy and misses your voice, touch, and you but my mind is trying to hold the tears in. One day, my heart will be stronger and ache less as the days pass by. Maybe what we had really wasn’t that special, but I’ll keep telling myself that to heal..

She would never wish this feeling on anyone..To feel like it was because of her that he couldn’t love anymore. To live on cloud nine and to not even realize that he was never there with her. She was there while he was still climbing. She tried to pull, but he resisted.. She’s not quite sure how it ended that way, when all she wanted was for him to be up there with her. To think that she was happy and that he was the one.. but he was never the one..