archive.

As you wait to be called by Jeonghan in the waiting room, your stomach turns over and over like an impatient child. You are overflowing with nervousness, yet, if you are already there, turning back would be a waste.

The door opens before you, and Jeonghan appears in the midst of that bright light that blinds you. He looks as if he just descended from heaven, an angel in disguise.

“Never thought I would see your pretty face here.” he extends his hand for you “Finally gave in?”

You take his hand and follow behind him into the room. 

“Not really. I just felt like this was the right time.” you admit.

As you look around, you are surprised to see that it looks just like any hotel room. Clean, tidy, and smells nice. However, the ambiance is a lot more… sexual. You can’t tell if it is because of Jeonghan or simply because this is that type of space.

You take off your jacket and turn off your phone, setting it by the table. Jeonghan follows your every move with hungry and curious eyes. You smirk a little and move to the bed.

“What is the right thing to do now that you found the right time?” he says. “I don’t know. I just came here to see you.”

He sighs, grabbing two glasses in his hand. Slowly he fills them with whiskey and hands one of them to you. You thank his hospitality.

Do I really just want to talk?

Looking through the big, wide window you think of all the times you had imagined this event. Both of you inside a Paradise room, doing unspeakable things. It fuelled you somehow.

“What do you want from me?” Jeonghan asks. “Right now, or in general?” you mock.

He holds your chin, turning your face to stand directly in front of his’.

“I’m afraid of what’s to come if I give in to our whims.” 

And nothing else comes out of his mouth after that. This sentence makes you understand what you stupidly had not realized before. Jeonghan never wanted to play with your emotions, or even hurt you. He is just a scared small boy, whose love has been denied all his life and now he can't trust anyone else but himself to feel alive.

He looks for love in uncertain places because he can’t stand the thought of being left alone if he is known for all his imperfections. 

Jeonghan doesn’t want to be alone, and that is why you stayed by his side all those years. Then, you left him.

“I’m sorry.” you cry out.

Your sadness comforts the boy in front of you and, as the sun sets, you both embrace each other in bed. 

Your hands travel through his hips and his’ caress your hair.

“I wish someday I can love you.” he murmurs between kisses “As much as you need me to.”

You cry even more. This overflowing of emotions is breaking you inside and you can’t take it anymore.

If I stay here and cry all night I will regret it for the rest of my life.

You stare curiously into his eyes. He seems to notice it and smiles. The lights are dim and the room is comfortable, but the most comfortable you can ever get is in his arms.

“So…” you start reluctantly “Command play?”

“Do you need me to explain?” he laughs and you nod “Well, simply put, we decide who is the master. Then, all the master has to do, is order the other around as they please.”

You try your best to keep all of your indecent thoughts to yourself and not make even a single expression. 

“Then, who is it going to be?” Jeonghan pierces right through your eyes “Me, right?”

I knew it. This pervert has something in mind already.

“Sure. Go ahead, master.”

Jeonghan laughs loudly and abruptly stands next to the bed. Carefully analyzing all your features he explains the details of the play and sets the safe word “Don’t Wanna Cry”. You listen attentively, but at the same time very much disconnected from his words. 

He sure is sexy as hell.

“My first command is that you kneel, right here, in front of me.” he signs to the floor. 

You do as told, neither hesitantly nor desperately. You simply do it, because you want to please Jeonghan.

“Now.” he pets your heads sweetly and you lean into his touch “Tell me a dirty secret of yours.”

“What?” you look up at him in shock. 

Jeonghan pulls you by the hair and pushes your head down.

“Did I say you are allowed to look me in the eye?” his tone is sharp and rude, it excites you. “I’m sorry, master.”

“Good. Now, tell me.”

You take quite your time thinking of something good, but not too revealing. After all, you still have some dignity left, even if you are kneeling before a narcissist.

“I have masturbated in the college toilet…” he raises an eyebrow “...quite a few times.”

Jeonghan laughs mockingly and you let your head fall in embarrassment.

“Thinking of who?” this man doesn’t even let you breathe.

Fuck you, Jeonghan. You know who.

You stay silent and he begins tapping his foot impatiently. You don’t want to give in that easily and might as well have some fun too.

“Your mom.” you say jokingly yet don’t even dare look him in the eye. “Very mature. Look up.”

Closing your eyes you slowly move your head up. Without any hesitation, a sharp slap is left on your left cheek.

“Try again, baby. No jokes this time.” his sexy sharp tone throws you over the edge.

That slap hurt like a motherfucker, but it felt so good at the same time. He just loves to drive me crazy.

“You. It was all thinking of you.” you admit. “Now, was it so hard?” he sits by the bed and you shift closer “Tell me one more thing.”

You wait anxiously for his question, without even noticing you have your eyes closed. You can’t even bear to look at Jeonghan, knowing he might be having the time of his life, looking at you in this state. Yet, thinking of Jeonghan having his way with you and being happy about it doesn’t seem that bad to you at all. What an idiot in love.

“Master?” you whisper. “When did you know you were in love with me?” he says bluntly “In detail.”

You open your eyes. Eyes filled with worries and sadness. Looking up at him you see the exact opposite in his eyes. You see hope and excitement. Why is Yoon Jeonghan like this? Always climbing over the wall you have protecting you.

You let some sighs out. 

Where should I even start?

Poor dear Joshua, how could he say no? What would someone in his position do, if the person he likes asks him something so… absurd? Like so, Joshua stands there for some solid moments pondering what he should answer to that.

“It’s something casual I assume.” it’s not a yes nor a no, you feel your body rush with nervousness. “Yes. I can’t lie, or promise something I won’t be able to keep.” his face shows nothing but sadness “Don’t look at me like that, you know I can’t stand it.”

He laughs it off and sighs deeply. Stands up confidently and pats your head.

“I’ll call you when I’m ready. If I’ll ever be ready.” and leaves.

Why are the men in my life always leaving unexpectedly? And why doesn’t it faze me?

With nothing more to do at that boring cafe, you decide to head home. Your thoughts are not that clouded by Jeonghan or Joshua or whoever has caused you to become so romantically and sexually frustrated, it’s more like you are trying to figure out how to deal with so many emotions.

It’s not as if you were not expecting this reaction from Jeonghan. What could he give you after all? A handful of headaches, that is for sure. But something inside of you hurt so badly when he just left that time, it felt so permanent and sad. So that now being next to him doesn’t feel the same anymore.

“When will I ever learn?” you sigh, leaning back on some random mural while smoking your crocked cigarette “I should get a therapist.”

And as this thought comes to you, a pamphlet flies into your hands.

“You must be fucking kidding me, Universe.” you laugh out loud.

It’s nothing more than a Paradise’s advertising pamphlet. Could the universe be more obvious about what it wants? At this point, it seems as if it likes seeing you miserable.

You crumple the pamphlet in your hands and throw it on the ground. After a few minutes, you pick it up again and put it inside your pocket. Lighting another cigarette and nervously tapping your foot you play around with the pamphlet, still inside your pocket. People passing by give you nasty looks and you scoff.

Yes, I am crazy. Like everyone in this fucking city.

/tw. paper cut/

As you start aggressively fiddling with the pamphlet you suddenly cut your finger on the harsh paper. 

“Great. This is exactly what I needed.” you pull out your hand from the pocket and suck the blood dripping from your finger as you read the, now wrinkled, pamphlet “A night of comfort, pleasure or companion, uh?”

What do I have to lose?

You decide it’s time to do something, so, after those long thirty minutes spent between cigarettes and looking at the pamphlet, you head towards Paradise. But what exactly are your intentions? Request for Jeonghan and confront him? Have sex with him? Or maybe you will be kicked out. You are the one who left him at the bar, but you can’t help being drawn back to him. Even with all these thoughts you never stop walking.

I told him to grow some balls, it’s not the time to contradict my own words.

Entering the nightclub and bar street of the city clears your head. The atmosphere is completely different here, everyone looks free and confident. You partially understand Jeonghan for enjoying these airs.

Some people look your way, and you can admit you have never felt so wanted like you are right now. This exchange of looks gives you more confidence and you raise your head a bit higher as you walk.

You look around curiously, at the same time you search for Paradise you are also analyzing the other stores around you. You can feel the excitement inside of you, bubbling its way up and down. You never had built up the courage to come near this place, because you knew you might stumble upon Jeonghan here, but right now it feels somehow correct.

Without realizing you are already standing in front of Paradise, with the most dazed face anyone could ever make.

“Good evening.” the doorman greets “The reception is right up front.”

You smile gently and thank the man. Inside the store, everything looks fancier than you had imagined. Light blue walls, navy blue sofas, even the counter is as clean as a baby’s butt. 

Around you are the exposition screens, that display the workers and give a little information about them and the type of plays they do. There is indeed a lot of things to do in this store. All the workers are different in every aspect, for all kinds of tastes. Yet, you are only looking for one person in specific.

His panel finally appears and you hold your breath. On the display photo, Jeonghan is wearing nothing but lingerie, and it looks incredibly good. His work name is Candy. 

Cringe Jeonghan, cringe.

As you read the information you find out that Jeonghan is probably the worker who does the most variety of plays at Paraduse. It’s no wonder he is on the top three most requested by customers.

With a bit of hesitation, you approach the receptionist. He is quick to greet you with a wide, attractive smile.

“Good evening. Is this perhaps your first time here?” you nod and he chuckles “Well, for a first time I recommend Cherry or Teddy as companions.”

You stand there a bit awkwardly, wondering if you should speak up.

“I, hum… Was actually wondering if I could choose Candy?” he seems a bit taken aback and you fiddle with your fingers looking at him. “Well, Candy doesn’t usually take first-timers, but I will confirm with him if it is alright. One second.”

You agree and the handsome receptionist picks up the phone, probably to talk to Jeonghan. He explains the situation quickly and, after that, he simply hums and agrees. You can’t hear a thing coming from the other side of the line, and this waiting is making you even more nervous than you already were.

“Candy agreed.” the sudden interruption of your thoughts startles you “He said he will take you in, under one condition.”

Here it comes, typical Jeonghan.

“Candy said you should pay for the command play.” it’s noticeable the concern on the receptionist’s voice “If you are not interest-”

Command play? What even is that? Oh, you know what? Fuck it.

Some more agonizing days went by, and nothing. No texts, no calls, nothing. You don’t know if you should be angry or sad, but it is frustrating, to say the least.

That self-centered, pretentious prick.

You knew your words had an impact, when, as you left the bar that day, Jeonghan turned to watch you leave. He regretted something, yet you weren’t sure of what it could be. 

The truth is, this sudden encounter had you reminiscing on your university days. How it all changed. You and Jeonghan would always have drinks and smoke together at his apartment, and, occasionally, have sex. It wasn’t good for you at all, but you couldn’t resist it. 

“We could go hang out with everyone, or… go back to my place and spend some quality time together.” he is so persuasive. “By ‘quality time’ you mean sex. Be straightforward, Jeonghan.” you roll your eyes at the boy and start walking “Aren’t you coming?”

Is it, what? The fifth time you are doing it? By now you already know there is no turning back from this mistake. You are already addicted to this way of being loved by Jeonghan, and, by the looks of it, he is already addicted to having sex with you.

“Oh, I missed this.” he says throwing his head back in amusement as you undress in front of him “Do you wanna top today?”

It doesn’t really matter. Holding him, being held by him. Anything for you is sufficient.

“Sure, I’ll top.” you say, taking out your last piece of clothing and sitting by the bed “Undress.”

You can’t deny that, when it comes to sex with Jeonghan, you are extremely satisfied. More than the orgasms, it’s his compliance and obedience. That is the only way of feeling that he is yours and that, naively enough, you are in control of everything.

“Yes, master.” he complies. 

Five times became ten, and ten became twenty, until you already had lost count. In the beginning, you thought you could handle the sex without compromise but it became harder because you felt as if you were one of Jeonghan’s clients. 

That was the turning point in your ‘friendship’.

“What do you think about love, Jeonghan?” you ask blowing the smoke from the cigarette. “I believe in soulmates and kindred spirits. I am looking for mine.” funny enough he sounds like a child when he says shit like this. “You are? How?”

“Well, by working at Paradise I can meet different people every day, and test our compatibility.” you widen your eyes and stay quiet for some moments.

Then, you burst out laughing. 

“Hey! Don’t laugh at me, you bitch!” for the first time in a very long time Jeonghan seems embarrassed. “Sorry, that caught me off guard.” you wipe the small tears that formed on the corners of your eyes “Any luck yet?”

He shakes his head and you sigh, thinking about how big of a fucking idiot he is. 

“I am in love with you.” you blurt out.

Jeonghan doesn’t say anything, yet you know he is not surprised at all. He simply stands, dresses up, and leaves the apartment. 

“Well, it’s over I guess.” you mumble to yourself, alone in that cold room.

After that incident, he sent some empty-themed texts and disappeared. It was sad at the time, but you didn’t cry a lot then. Sometimes you find yourself wondering if Jeonghan cried, or cries, thinking about it. 

You walk through the crowded city thinking about it. Every spot, every corner, every store, reminds you of a day spent with Jeonghan, it’s somewhat irritating. Not that you haven’t tried to replace those memories, but it never works.

“Oh, it’s you.” a familiar voice echoes behind you. As you turn around you’re faced with Joshua, one of your closest university friends. 

“Hi, Josh! I’ve missed you.” you go in for a hug and Joshua chuckles “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing fine. I would ask you the same, but you look beat.” he says with a concerned tone. “Oh, do I?” he confirms “I have a lot on my mind.”

Joshua walks beside you and leads you to a cafe. 

“Jeonghan?” you are surprised by that and Joshua notices “He called me yesterday.”

You mundane motherfucker. You’re dead meat, Yoon Jeonghan.

“Look, Josh, I don’t want to talk about him.” you say in an assertive tone. “Okay. Let’s just have a coffee.”

You can’t say it doesn’t feel good. Joshua is a great companion, and conversations with him seem a lot more bright and easy. He tries his best not to make you uncomfortable, but it’s not as if he is walking on eggshells around you. Joshua just knows how to be a decent human being, unlike an idiot you know.

Hours go by and you start to feel a vast frustration rise from inside you. Joshua’s words seem muffled and your head is fuzzy. Something is making you uncertain. 

“Joshua.” you interrupt and startle the boy “What I’m about to ask you is very unethical and, perhaps, stupid.”

“Go ahead.” he crosses his arms and leans back. “Can you have sex with me?”

It feels just like the very first time.

Jeonghan and you are having lunch with some friends inside the art atelier. The day is sunny and you’re smiling more than usual. Jeonghan notices it and shuffles in his seat.

As you’re standing to head over next to your friend, you stumble and, before falling, Jeonghan catches you. A scene that looked as if it came from a movie.

“Clumsy.” he whispers. A shiver went down your spine and you stood there, holding onto his arm.

“Are you free today after class?” Jeonghan asks. “Yeah, why?” you question without drifting your gaze from his. “What I’m about to ask you is very unethical and, perhaps, stupid.”