tungle.heck

Nobody else is responsible for fulfilling that need, I guess I’m responsible for finding someone who needs it at the same frequency as I do or suffer through the consequences… I’m willing to cope with this for my partner indefinitely because I love them and they’re more perfect for me than anyone else ever has been.

But it’s been a month.. maybe over a month… I’ve lost track I don’t want to count the days I’ll drive myself crazy

Everything hurts… I don’t allow myself to think about being intimate with them if I can help it because I hate the cold sweats and goosebumps and shudders, every muscle is a tense rubber band ready to snap, my teeth hurt more than usual because I’ve been uncharacteristically grinding them at night….

I’m sore because the fix in a pinch obviously is to get myself off but a) I’ve been having to do it more and more often the longer I go without real intimacy, b) it’s been taking longer and longer the more I have to do it lately and c) I’ve been getting carried away with my intensity because of the emotional outbursts and sobbing desperation that’s coming with every attempt to ease the agony

I’m sore and the relief from the desperation doesn’t last long enough… I used to be desperate for sex each day and now I feel like one good fuck could hold me over for weeks and I’d never take it for granted again not in a million years

i always wondered why it was so difficult to regulate my temperature in the night and the wee hours when i’m tossing and turning in cold sweats aching and burning but then freezing and shuddering all from want of you...

this explains a lot though

as a rule i generally run hot, i sleep with the fan on and window running as you know, but my thoughts drift to you as always and as i lay there, missing you, tears threatening to crowd behind my eyes, feeling like i can barely remember your eyes, feeling so far away from you, so far out in space i might suffocate.. i start to feel cold, i bundle the blankets around my shaking body, stuff the pillows in a line next to my body so i can have something to hold...

and i close my eyes tight and try to make you real and suddenly in my mind i’m holding you and my skin reacts and goosebumps run from my neck down my arms and legs like thousands of injections that make my skin flush and burn, and that horrible ache blossoms out of my hips through my chest and legs and my body is shaking, im bucking, i can’t stop-

there’s nothing good here, unless you like reveling in other people’s sexual frustrations, in which case enjoy i guess

i literally can’t think of any other healthy way to vent this healthily tho

it hurts.