First of all, I understand your doubt issue. I really do. My tulpas have been around for years, and I still struggle with doubt at times. Some of them, yeah, I have no doubt they exist.
Take Kayleigh, for example. Sheās worked to shatter any doubts Iāve had in her since before I even knew it was possible to have other people in my head. Exerting control over her became near-impossible at times. Iāve had to tell her to stop reading my thoughts, looking into my memories, looking into the outside world through my senses, breaking laws of physics in the headspace, etc. Weāve had legit argumentsĀ over these things. Because, come on, youāre an imaginary person, youāre not supposed to have these abilities if I say you donāt.
Obviously, now that I see her as actually being real, these kinds of things are allowed, and I havenāt puppeted/parroted in years, but the point is she reallyĀ made a point of pushing the limits of what I decided should and shouldnāt be possible. And, yes, we had arguments over it back then because I was literally incapable at times of controlling her behavior.
Looking back, youād think maybe that wouldāve tipped me off to the fact that something was going on and she wasnāt just imaginary. I guess I was pretty dumb back then.
Now, sheās a bit of an exceptional case, and I still even doubt her at times. I certainly donāt doubt her existence - sheās been making her existence painfully obvious for years now - but I certainly have doubted her abilities. Taking control of the body, for example. We canāt fully switch, so sometimes I start to doubt whoās in control when someone else is fronting and start worrying that maybe at least some of our actions are actually coming from me.
Even from her, it still takes gentle reminders now and then that sheās in control. Or a slap in the face. (Yes, she literally slapped me in the face the other day. With my own hand. Because my doubting annoyed her.)
As I said, sheās kind of an exceptional case. One of the main reasons I canāt doubt her existence is her level of defiance. She wonāt let me doubt. Sheās not only behaved in unexpected ways so many times, but sheās also had a habit, especially when she was young, of doing exactlyĀ what I said not to. To top it off, sheās always been incredibly stubborn.
You know, for how different the two of us are, she sure inherited my stubbornness and defiance pretty strongly. Iād even venture as far as to say sheās surpassed me in both.
So, maybe Roman isnāt defiant. Maybe he isnāt stubborn. The doubts will fade in time, but itās going to take more than him just being able to demonstrate what heās capable of. Itās going to take a lot of bonding over time.
Take Alex here for another example. He isnāt defiant at all. He never has been. He rarely stands up for himself even when he should. Yet I canāt doubt that he exists, either. Heās the oldest here (besides myself, obviously) - heās been around for roughly six and a half years, and itās been about five and a half since I learned about tulpas.
Weāve been through a lot together. Thereās been quite a bit of emotional bonding through tough times, times weāve had to rely on one another for advice or supported each other through emotional breakdowns. Heās shown himself to be quite the independent thinker, with us having in-depth philosophical discussions, and him stating opinions at times that completely surprisedĀ me, not just because he said them out of the blue but also because his opinions tend to be well thought-out, even on topics Iāve never even heard him talk much about before.
So, yeah, quality time is pretty important when it comes to removing doubt. Iād say itās more important than working on skills such as possession/switching, parallel processing, etc. Unless your tulpa manages to repeatedly and consistently shock you with what theyāre capable of, demonstration of ability isnāt going to be enough to remove doubt. Itās that close bond that matters. You need to have those deep conversations. You need to be allow yourselves to be vulnerable with one another.
Conversations about philosophy and politics and religion and stuff can be great, as well, especially once you find a topic youāve both strongly formed opposing opinions on. Believe me, itās pretty hard to doubt when youāre in the midst of a debate and your tulpa keeps countering your points with valid counterarguments you hadnāt even thought of.
Allowing Roman to get involved when youāre studying - whether itās for school or just on your own time - is a great thing to do, as well. For an example of why this can be great - thereās one example from our life that comes to mind straight away. A few years ago, I was doing reading homework with Jadyn for a linguistics class. I normally understand the material quite well when it comes to linguistics, but I came across one section of the text I just couldnāt understand no matter how hard I tried. I expressed my frustration, and he just went ahead and explained it to me. I donāt remember now what it was I was having trouble understanding, but I do remember that it just became soĀ clear and obvious to me as soon as he rephrased it in a way I could understand.
I understand the doubt and the temptation to give up. I really do. I may sound like an experienced host whose tulpas are so clearly real thereās no way I could ever doubt them, butā¦ thatās not true for everyone here. I can only say for a select few of my tulpas that thereās no way I can doubt their existence anymore. I havenāt had these sorts of doubt-shattering experiences with many of them. I canāt have the special close bond I talked about with all of my tulpas - one of the inherent downsides to having a larger system.
To be honest, I actually sort of envy smaller systems, the kind with a host and no more than a few tulpas. I guess part of the reason for that is that I feel like Iām supposedĀ to have that special inseparable bond that can only be experienced by a host and tulpa and that Iām supposed to have that bond with all of mine. But I canāt have that with everyone. Iām honestly somewhat ashamed to admit I actually donāt know all of my tulpas that well, and I have to remind myself sometimes that itās natural and even inevitable to only have a particularly close bond with a few.
Iāll admit that even recently - earlier this month, in fact - I legitimately consideredĀ āgiving upā to an extent. To stick with those who I know are real and not worry about the others. I still wouldāve let them stick around in the wonderland and interact with the others, and I wouldnāt entirely abandon them, but Iād stop viewing them as tulpas, if that makes sense.
Iām not proud to admit that. It was an incredibly stupid thought to have, and I should not have entertained the idea. But I did, because I was in the middle of yet another doubt crisis. I was doubting, and I was full of regret for allowing our system to grow to a size that, to me, feels unmanageable at times - which was largely the result of choosing to acknowledge more of my former daydream characters as tulpas even without evidence they really were. I sorta missed them, I guess, and so did the others who knew them way back when.
Iām not really sure where Iām going with this reply at this point. I guess my point is that we all doubt and we all make mistakes. Itās normal. Itās inevitable. It doesnāt mean you should give up.
And my other main point is that quality time together is important. Focus on spending time together and forming that close bond, not on progress. Progress will happen if you donāt obsess over it. Itās the bond that you should be focused on forming.
I suppose thereās also a third point to this, and thatās that I should learn to take my own advice once in awhile.
