ri ;)

i have learnt something new about myself: 

its having to catch feelings when someone knows me well. 

i, for one, is embarrassed by this discovery. it tells a lot about my personality. how i have my walls up--always at the top right where i can’t reach, how i think of which i am not certainly proud of and how i consume each words that were given to me. i think that i am the type to give meaning to everything that even a small friendly gesture makes my heart flutter. of course, i am able to distinguish it when it comes to my friends but to that one stranger trying to know me, talk to me and gives attention to me. 

looking back, as a child i grew up very independent. i was able to do things alone and was fine by my own company. and yet, i was a child. i do not blame my parents for this. they were hustling hard to put food on the table, to provide me clothes and education. but then again, i was a child. this made me realize that it maybe had an effect as to how i navigate my way on my romantic relationships. i was eager for attention and now when someone notices me, i am so grateful and even fluttered (not to the extent of being attention seeker). when someone cares for me, i feel so valued and i view this romantically even if it’s not. this is maybe the reason why i fall in love easily or be in love of the idea of me being in love. 

never would have thought i would cry again. this time, for myself. i am sorry for myself for getting my hopes up. i saw something and decided to shut it all off. i am not ready for another emotionally taxing battles and i don’t have any time for it. i am sad for myself. why did i let myself loose when i know for a fact that it will always be me not winning, me being alone. i figured everything out.