I need to say something thatās eating me inside. I need to scream it into the void even if nobody listens. I think Iām a lesbian.
But I think people wonāt believe me because Iāve identified as bi for some years and Iāve had a boyfriend. But the thing is, I donāt think Iāve ever felt actual attraction towards men. Iāve only had like less than 5 crushes on boys my entire life. I wanted to cater to the male gaze, I wanted to be loved and desired by them - but I donāt think I actually loved and desired them. Iāve had a boyfriend for 3 years whom I loved, but now I realize I didnāt fell in love with him - I *chose* to love him, I *convinced* myself to love him because he seemed so nice and he was so in love with me and I wanted to be loved. I eventually loved him, but now Iām not sure if that āloveā was actually the affection you feel for your best friend, mixed with anxiety.
Iāve only kissed one boy in my life (my now ex) and it never felt actuallyā¦ arousing or exciting. I liked it because I liked when he showed affection towards me, but thatās it. It felt like being hugged by a friend you know? And now I think kisses are supposed to make you feel more than only that. And regarding sexā¦ this is very hard for me to say out loud but I never enjoyed it. I now realize I disassociated each time it happened. And I cried every single time when we finished. I couldnāt stop the tears no matter how hard I tried, they came from somewhere deep down that I couldnāt identify. That was the breaking point for me, when I started to question my sexuality. But I repressed those thoughts because I was scared of the answer. Also I never found my boyfriendās body sexually attractive even though he had a nice body. It just felt like watching a pretty sculpture, no sexual thoughts attached.
Iāve never had sex with a woman but I can say the only time a made out with one was 100 times more exciting than any other sexual interaction Iāve had with a man. And Iāve always found womenās bodies to be much more beautiful and sexy than menās. And Iāve realized that whenever I had sexual fantasies between a man and a woman, I could never image myself, and I was always on the POV of the man - like I was inside his body, looking at the woman.
Iāve read the āAm I a Lesbian?ā masterdoc, and I highlighted 114 points that I related to, I counted them because Iām terrified and I need to grasp onto some physical countable evidence.
And the thing is, I donāt want to have any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with a man ever again. Iām 100% sure Iāll never be with one. I detest the idea of it, it makes me anxious and depressed and angry. So I donāt even have the stress of āI canāt call myself a lesbian because what if someday the perfect man appearsā¦ā No. I hate men. I want to be with a woman, I want to marry a woman and share the rest of my life with her.
And the lesbian label feelsā¦ so right. I want to be a lesbian so bad. I donāt know if that sounds silly or what, I donāt know how to explain it. But Iām scared. Iām scared of taking a label that doesnāt belong to me and hurting the lesbian community. Iām scared that those teenage crushes I had on boys disqualify me as a lesbian, (even though I believe I only wanted the illusion of being loved by them and didnāt want to actually do anything with them). Iām scared because I loved my (now ex) boyfriend (even though now I think it may not have been actual romantic love). Iām scared because Iāve never had a girlfriend or had sex with a woman. And I canāt help but feel like if I called myself a lesbian Iād be a fraud. Iām terrified of not being accepted by the lesbian community and even more terrified of potentially harming them because what if Iām not truly a lesbian ??? what if I just hate men because Iām a radfem or something ?? what if Iām just traumatized by my past relationship with a man ?? ā¦ but deep down I feel there is more to it than that.
And thatās all. If you read this, thank you so much, really. I needed to get this off of my chest and tell someone because I feel Iām losing my mind.
germansingergirl
vaporwave
baratheonpilled
stormborns
jbbartram-illu
areudirty
yousharknotpass
