Turning Around

Some people ask, “What made you do it?” to which I can never give a satisfying answer.

Perhaps it was the moment I looked down at my bruised and tracked arm. I looked down at it with sadness, a feeling of betrayal... I betrayed my own self. Then, as I habitually reached for a smoke to try to ease my sorrow for just a moment; I noticed something else. A bottle of Listerine was placed next to me on the bedside table, in harmony with an ashtray and cigarettes, a small plate of baked potatoes, and a half eaten apple.

Harmony... life is all about it. Everything flows in synch. Bad follows bad just as good follows good. The more you dig, the deeper the hole gets. Just as black contrasts white, darkness contrasts light, and negative contrasts positive. I’ve always had this image in my mind – an image too vivid to sweep under the rug.

I am walking down a long, straight and wide gravel road. It is the darkest of midnight and my shadow is the only thing that accompanies me. I continue to walk down this road as my entire being is engulfed by a powerful feeling of despair and sorrow. Yet, for some reason, I continue to walk.

As I look over my shoulder, I can see a very vibrant gravel road, one that is embodied by a vibrant white light, with beautiful country cottage homes on grassy acre fields. The sky is painted a baby blue color and accented with cotton-candy-like clouds. I can see my own self, and my own self is happy, and she is magnificent. She is prospering, succeeding.

I turn my head and continue walking down the long and dark path. I have no idea what is ahead of me because it is simply too dark to see. I know within the deepest part of my heart and soul, that the only thing at the end of this road is a big cliff that leads to hell. Despair, sorrow, misery, loss, dehumanization, sickness, pain, and endless self-mutilation.

I could so easily just stop, turn around and walk towards the path of lightness. There is nobody holding a gun to my head telling me to walk down the path of darkness... I could just turn around to the other way and change my entire fate.

If I could stand up in real life, and physically do a 180 turn and allow the law of inertia to keep me going down that path, I would.

I’m trying to metaphorically describe addiction, and unless you’re an addict, none of this may make any sense to you. Sorry if it doesn’t.