Why have i fallen roadkill

I just want to get lost on this place we call earth. And loose myself in the process.

What am I getting at with this? I'm not sure. As I'm just some newly 16-year-old kid. Seen as weak. Ignorant to the laws that try to control me. Seen as nothing but a twig in her bed with a million thoughts in his head. Did my age change your mind? Or was it my awareness? Guess we will never know. As silence consumes me.

Mental health issues??? You think I have issues??? Yall have issues. I know I have issues. But some of you don't know you have issues and act like it's a totally normal thing. Nobody has no issues. Just like how nobody is perfect. Society is built for the nobody. That perfect person We all aren't built for society. So why do we live in it? Why do we conform to the cult that is the government? The government is a cult after all. cult a group of people having beliefs or practices, especially relating to religion (especially, not just only), that are regarded by others as strange or sinister or as imposing excessive control over members (literally the government) a misplaced or excessive admiration for a particular thing (the law. the old fucked up outdated rules of all that rule the people.)

Why did I get them. Why do I know their notice. Why do I understand them. I'm sorry I'm so sorry Why am I following in your footsteps Why Why I don't know. All I know is why. Not the whys answer. Why the word. I just want to go away from myself.

OH MY FUCKOINGM GOD IF I CAN CHOOSE ANYWHTHING ITS MY BODY OH MY GOF STOP I CAN CHOOSE WHEN I DIE PLEASE JUST LET ME HAVE THE RELEASE I NEED IM TIRED OF THIS IM SO TIRED PLEASE IVE BEEN BEGGING FOR TEN STRAIGHT YEARS IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS EVEN MY DOCTOR SAID IM MATURE I DONT WANT TO BE MATURE IT DFCUKING SUCKS SO MUCH PLEASE IM JUST TIRED OF EVERYTHING IIM SO EXAUSTED i need this please just trust me its not a want anymore it truly is a need

I have a theory that women are harder to diagnose since men have more freedom around everything. Clothes. Actions. Walking. Talking. Hobbies. Where your head is tilted when you're in public. Play. Simple play. Fun. We are pressured and judged until we fall under the manipulation of societies standards and sit still and pretty while 'boys just be boys' and have actual fun and enjoy life. We can't do anything about it, or else the eyes will be set on us. So, we mask. We become professionals on wearing that mask. Becoming walking sexualizations of people we never wanted to be. And nobody notices. Or talks about. Or thinks about. We mask so much that we forget who we were when we never put on the mask in the first place. It gets stuck. And you forget. And you suffer. And although I have noticed this, I don't have enough strength to do anything. I just think. I can't do these actions I think of.

I was a 'bad' kid. A 'troubled' kid. I was 'fixed'. It was autism. I was a female with autism. Diagnosed years later, after all this. After it was too late. After they threw me away because they couldn't understand me and that I wouldn't fit like a circle in a square hole. So they carved me. Hurt me. 'Shaped' me with pain. Cutting off my flesh until I had sharp, jagged corners and my blood made it slick enough for me to just fit. And where did that hole lead to? What was all this pain and suffering for? Where was my goal? The dump.

I wasn't bullied. I went through much worse. You see, I was found. I was forcefully outcasted just because they realized I wasn't normal enough. Its either they make it worse, and god they do. they ruin you. you will become nobody like before, and for the worst. Or, they don't realize. And you run under the radar to get bullied to then just go ahead and live a life. changing in the ways that are natural.

People literally buy earth. Earth. The thing we were supposed to live on. They claim the grass and dirt and soil is theirs. How?? Buying a planet. They did it. We did it. We commercialized everything. Wow.

Money is freedom. Money is hierarchy. You pay for your freedom. Is that what you really want? Non-free freedom?

Give me a name. Let me understand myself.

"Oh., But your childhood shapes how you are!" I don't remember most, if not all of my childhood. I have no childhood memories. Just people from my past that I somehow know and called friends.

Mania is a beautiful thing.

There is no 'bad dog'. It is a dog that humans have failed. There are no 'bad people'. It is a person that society has failed.

Don't be a coward. Then when can I be one? When can I feel a feeling we all feel, yet hide? When can I be natural and not a blank slate? When can I be, well, Human?

I kill because I need to. I kill because I have to. I kill because I want to. The great changes of desensitization. Make it rust until its nothing.