It's crazy reading back on my old posts. Reading all those sad poems and entries brought the pain flooding back into my gut. I find it so hard to believe I let people make me feel that way. I let myself feel that way. I am 27, gonna be 28 in a few months. I'm in an RN program. I'm my class representative. I am doing so much. I don't feel insecure, I don't feel sad. I feel excited for life. It's crazy to remember the night I would actually take a blade to my skin. I would cry and say the words "I don't want to be here anymore." I used to want to die. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I can't tell you when that feeling went away because I don't know where it went. I know it isn't here anymore and it hasn't been for a long time. I want to say the pandemic is when things started to shift. I have to thank someone for helping me choose me for once. It's funny when I think how that person meant so much to me, so so much and how easy it was for them to stomp on me and what we had. I don't know if they see it the same but all I know is my heart and everything I thought I knew about friendships was shattered that day. I was broken for so long. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was just alone. For months. Just me and my thoughts. I deleted all my social media and I forced myself to come face to face with myself. Who was I? What do I believe in? What do I want? What do I care about? It all changed there. I am so grateful. I love the person I have become. I am so proud of myself. I am doing so much good for myself and my future. My friendships are different now but i have boundaries and the people in my life know them and respect them. I shared what happened with them and the validation they gave me just showed me what I never saw in you. Trust. Trust is so important to me now. I move forward doing only what is best for me and my family. I feel happy. I haven't hurt myself. I don't cry about how I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be here now. I want to see whats in store for me. I want to see all that I can accomplish.

Feeling like a fool

I remember when life was colorful.

I dont want to do this anymore… why is it so hard to do

Definitely going to start saying no more. The hell. You cant control everything i do. Bye!

cant wait to get the hell out of here.

who’s to say you wont do it again? All it will take is enough people on it and you’ll jump on it too. I can’t trust you. I’m scared to trust you because I know that trust isn't real anymore.Thats how i know its over. 

These days i’ve been struggling a lot with my thoughts. I kee going back and forth with my emotions, feeling good some days but most i feel so so low. I noticed this weekend because i stopped eating. I know i do that once im depressed. I wasnt sure what to do. I need to talk to someone.

I cant wait to move to the next chapter in life...

I put these walls up myself and now i act as though i cant tear them down myself and stand there yelling for help waiting for someone to come and save me but no one ever comes...i just get tired of screaming so i tell myself its okay , ill be free one day then the realness settles in once again and i scream and scream and scream and its a huge cycle. When will i finally tear down those walls? WHEN WILL I FREE MYSELF?

I think this really is it. I just have nothing left to give. I have no fight left in me. I want to do it now. Thats what is so different. I’m tired I’m tired. I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve been aching over the same wound for 2 years and you just keep poking it not caring that it’s hurting me physically and mentally. I can’t do this. I don’t need to be here anymore. I need to go. I want to go now.