dont get the wrong idea I didnt do this for you

I so desperately wanted to beautiful, to be art, but I am human. I so desperately wanted to be given agency, to have life, but I am nothing. I am neither art nor a person. Not even an endless vacuum would lay claim to my thoughts or being. I can not be void, for I exist, yet the very fact of existing renders me lacking. I am the nothing, an unthing, less than a person but existing in time and space all the same.

Its been twelve years I guess and I still want Z to come home and comfort me like he did when I was 11. I want my family back. Where did you go? Why did you leave? You fucking disappeared right when my trauma compounded and I needed you. And you left. I had to deal with it all alone. But. . . What I really want to know is: Where are you? Are you okej? Are you safe? Happy? I miss you.

I was never meant for this. I just want to protect. But when I see this how am I meant to act? What am I meant to do? Who am I supposed to keep safe? I'm frightened.

Thanks for reminding me of the traumaversary this week.

*thinks about my ex* *thinks about my ex* *thinks about my ex* *thinks about my ex* *thinks about-*

When your heart hurts and your brain hurts and you'd just rather be dead.

Hey so??? If you want to ditch me just be 100% about it. Don't just leave me half wondering. I dont do this kind of bullshit.

Mothers be like: oh yeah I sold off all your collections and stuff because you don't need that any more.