love me.

I... I th-think about this a lot.

If it c-could be anything... T-truly anything at all, I would g-go back to that moment. F-feverish and delirious and lying in the street with my guts ready to spill out through my fingers. I’d go back and never g-get picked up, lie there ‘till I die of the i-infection. I’d like that. T-to have her rot inside me, let her poison me a-and die holding one last bit of her.

And uh, I also thought about it when all I wanted to do was kill myself. And I think I decided something like b-bleeding out or, uh, starving? T-that’d be good. S-something where I just waste away.

But, uh! I, um, I actually don’t want to kill myself anymore!!

They’re letting her out of bed again. It’s been months, probably, she doesn’t keep count, since she’s had a leash long enough to do anything more than walk across the cold floor of her hospital room for a bathroom break. She’s still not supposed to leave without telling someone where she’s going, she’s still not allowed anywhere near forks (or chopsticks, or butter knives, or any utensil that isn’t a flimsy plastic spoon), but if she asks, they’ll unlock the door. A reward for good behavior.

It’s nice to have a little more freedom. Her knees are always stiff and she’s memorized the cracks in her ceiling ten times over. Still, it’s laughable that they’re calling this good behavior. It’s nothing. It’s compliance. She stopped speaking to nurses because they don’t listen and they praised her for not screaming Junko’s name. That’s not the same thing.

Find something long and sharp. An ice pick is traditional, of course, but a pencil will do. A chopstick. A screwdriver would be excellent, but that’s a bit ambitious. Stick it in your eye. If you’re careful, you can go around the side and leave the eyeball intact. Go till you hit bone. Keep going. It’s thin. It’s fragile. Keep going. Go till you hit brain matter. Swish it around a little. Don’t go crazy, just enough to scramble your brains a little. Pull it out. Easy as pie. No more suffering. No more despair. You’re finally cured.

It would be nice.

i hope it’s flavored this time.

… oh. you were talking about the drugs.

      D-don’t give me that look. You h-heard me. Come oooon, w-we’ve talked about all sorts of stuff. T-things I did to myself for her. Things I-I did to o-others for her... don’t t-tell me you’re getting shy now. When I want to tell you what she did to me. How she fucked me. You’re funny.

I want to t-tell you because it’s important. B-because... she made me feel like nothing else. She was... she... Mmm. I d-didn’t... didn’t know it was supposed to feel like that. Not until her.

You know, when I was younger, I was real popular at parties, c-cuz... because they knew if we played seven minutes in heaven I’d go all the way. A-and I guess now I look at it, and, uh, it’s a little degrading, I g-guess, but... what’s it matter? What’s it matter what someone does with my worthless body? It doesn’t. It doesn’t matter. If it’s seven minutes in a closet t-to be included, I’ll do it. Every time. It worked! I... I got invited to things.

T-the boys, they... they liked it b-better from behind. They... I t-think they didn’t want to look at their face. W-which is good! My face is disgusting and also they’d probably see that I was only moaning to be polite if they actually bothered to look at me and maybe that’d be enough to kill their mood and we wouldn’t want that would we he needs to get off that’s the only reason I’m here I know it is because they told me that’s the only reason anyone invites me to anything and I just have to get that because I cant, I can’t go thinking they like me that’s ridiculous that’s ridiculous I’m an ugly pig and I know it I know it I know it mooooooving on!

[She pauses to catch her breath.] A-hah. G-got... got a little carried away there.

I’ve got plenty of stories like that, I... I remember someone t-told me to suck his d-dick, and I think he meant it as an insult I, uh, I don’t think he was serious, but um, I panicked and said yes and I don’t think expected that so he panicked and neither of us knew what to do so we just kinda went with it. So that’s funny! So funny! I learned it, I learned it quick, if they want your disgusting pig body just give it to them because that’s all anyone will ever want of you so you might as well be useful somehow, you know? And it doesn’t really matter what kind of filthy things they do to it because you haven’t ever been clean anyway, they can’t defile you worse than you already are.

And that’s why, uh, it was really confusing. When people t-talked about making love. I-I guess I knew, sort of, I knew that it was supposed to be nice with someone you loved but it didn’t? It didn’t make sense?? No one was ever gonna love me, anyway, so it didn’t matter, right?

She loved me. She loved me. Like I’d never been loved before. I understood, th-that’s when I finally got it, why e-everyone makes such a fuss about having sex. W-why they call it making love, t-the difference between making love and f-fucking. T-that’s what she did. Loved me. Ahhhh.... (And sometimes she fucked me too, but that was just ‘cuz I’m a disgusting whore that likes being fucked ‘till I cry.)

I remember... oh g-gosh, I remember... Mmmmm... God, she had the same u-ugly dorm room as everyone else, and she... she never picked up her clothes when they got dirty. It was a mess, it was an awful mess, but it didn’t matter. I-I barely saw anything b-but... but her. She laid me down gentle, l-like... I was something worth protecting. Beautiful. She made me feel beautiful. I’d never... I’d never felt like that. I felt so safe. You you’re in love when you feel safe naked, I think. Or maybe that’s just ‘cuz I got naked around so many people that made me wanna puke. I don’t really know! That’s pretty fucked up! Ahaa!

She never cut her nails. Ooooh boy, she... oh god, they were, they were these awful acrylic ones, sharp and pointy and long and the first time I saw them headed between my legs I think I almost ran away but she told me to trust her and I did and it hurt, of course it hurt, but she was so gentle, she laid down next to me with her hand between my legs and told me she loved me, and I’d want to tell it to her back but I was too busy moaning... She loved it. Aha, s-she, she loved- she wanted to hear me.  She wanted me screaming her name.

And oh boy, did I deliver. Mmmm. She always got what she wanted.

Good thing Hope’s Peak has those soundproof walls!

She couldn’t keep her hands off me. All the time, she’d- once when I was walking to c-class she pulled me into the girl’s bathroom and, uh, well she d-didn’t let me finish, got me close and then pulled up my panties because she said I-I shouldn’t be late for c-class, m-my education was important. God, she was beautiful. She was s-so... she was beautiful. She was even more beautiful with her head between my thighs.

Actually! One of the scars, f-from what she wrote on me, t-the word scars, I’ve got one on my thigh, it’s, uh, it says ‘ittadakimasu’, and there’s a little smilie with a tongue, and th-that’s just--aha-- exactly like her, her s-sense of humor, she t-thought it was hilarious and it was! A-and now it’s on my thigh forever. So, uh, I’m depressed and lonely and I’ll never be loved again as long as I live, b-but I have a m-memorial t-to all the times the queen of the whooole world g-got on her knees and ate me out, which is, uh. It’s nice if you think about it.

    Wanna see????

            ......No??

                         Right, I, uh. I should keep my pants on. Sorry. I got excited. Won’t do it again.

The f-funny thing was, she never let me touch her, not like that. I tried, I... gosh did I try. I just wanted... just wanted to reciprocate. I wanted to show her I loved her too. Touch her like she touched me. She didn’t want it. I’d try and she’d j-just- she’d just kiss me, a-and tell me all I had to do to get her off was to l-love me. To give her everything. To worship her, adore her, but she d-didn’t have to ask for any of that, I-I was happy to. She... I was hers. I was all hers. S-she made me feel beautiful, w-which-- I know, I know, I know it hardly makes any sense, I’m sorry, s-someone like her, sh-she, she was a famous model, she... she was pretty and popular and everyone loved her, and I was just... m-me, I was just the girl you f-fuck in a closet for a laugh and forget about in a few days, a disgusting used up thing no one wanted around, and she thought I was beautiful and I don’t understand!

S-she was wrong. She... she h-had to be. I’m ugly. I’m worthless. I’m trash. I’m nothing... nothing! Compared to her. She was everything.