桜舞い散あの丘で

Now that I've laid my claims and got your attention, I'll tell my story.

I was 13 when I found out about Aliene Ma'Riage and they quickly became my favorite band. I was so enamored by this band, and by Kyouka.

I found his website and it had a BBS on it. (Bulletin Board Service.) We talked there for a while before we moved to e-mail. I was putty in his hands in ways only a lonely teen girl could be if her hero interracted with her. As soon as I found out Chaos System would be coming to thr US, I begged my dad, and he decided to surprise me with it for my 16th birthday.

And now I've set the stage, I'm going to talk about meeting Kyouka. I'll be including pictures, screencaps, anything I still have. They've remained on the same photobucket and e-mail accounts since the first time I ever uploaded them. Exif data should be in tact on the photos, though I haven't ever wanted to look at these pictures long enough to check.

I'm sorry if I seem a bit narrative while writing this. It's cope. Dissociation. Depersonalization. My therapists have given me a lot of words over the years. I'm still an artist to this day, so if writing this like a story keeps me from feeling like there's a vacuum in my stomach? my heart is going to burst out of my neck? Or, like, crying or something? Whatever. I'm doing that 'cuz I'm old now (But not as old as Kyouka 😇) I've got my life to get back to after I type this lol

So, since our e-mail exchanges will speak for themselves, I'll focus my writing on what happened when I was physically with him.

The first time I saw him, he was hanging out in the lobby of our motel. Didn't know he was staying in the same one, and my friend noticed him first. We were giddy kids. I had my sketch book on me. My dad gave me permission to give him one of my drawings, so I went over to him and my friend was my rock to protect me from getting weird.

I still didn't know Japanese then, just some vocabulary that I picked up through osmosis with music and shows. So we kind of played charades for me to tell him who I was and that I wanted to give him the drawing. In e-mails, he was excited to meet me, so it didn't really feel like I was crossing any boundary. He was really excited to see me. He called me pretty and I got butterflies. I knew that word. We took some pictures together on my camera and his mobile phone and then my friend and I went back to my dad.

I didn't see Kyouka again until the next day. I felt embarassed to bring my cosplay of his Aliene Ma'Riage photo book and PV look because it was only half done and a lot of it started breaking apart during the trip. To this day, it's one of the most technically advanced things I ever made and I never did finish it. I tried it on a few times after this, hoping I could as a therapy experience, but eventually it just got left to rot.

He saw me on the way to something, I forget what. At first he didn't recognize me in costume but after speaking up close, he recognized me. He asked to take pictures together, so we did and then we went our separate ways. After a while of hanging out with people, I got sick of wearing such a heavy, wide costume, so I went back to my room to change so I was more confortable for Chaos System's show.

Before I get into what happens after the show, I wanna say something important here: Do not blame the staff. They were doing their best. I don't know if anyone knew how old I was, or Kyouka's intentions, or if it was just caution for the business, but the staff really did try to stay up his ass, okay?

So, it's getting late. Concerts over, I just showered and I'm in my PJs. My friend comes barreling in telling me that Kyouka is lost outside and wanted to talk to me - or something like that. So I went to go find out what was up.

It didn't take long of my friend, him, and I trying to figure out where he was supposed to go before his staff found him. Obviously I had no way of knowing what they were saying to each other. But it was clear to me that Kyouka wasn't wanting to do whatever they wanted him to. He grabbed my hand and sat me down on the floor and everyone else just kinda did the same. At this point, I don't think any of us knew what was going on.

It was so awkward. We were all just sitting there, silently. I felt embarassed, too. Feeling like somehow I was causing problems, but I didn't know how or why.

And then Kyouka pulled me up with him and RAN. I mean, he just ran me the fuck away from everyone. We went down hallways, around corners, down stairs. We stopped on the lowest floor in a corner of the building, I think mostly where staff would come and go.

Kyouka sat down on the floor under the staircase and patted beside him. We're trying to have a conversation but with the language barrier between us, it's just using our hands and simple words.

My hair was still wet and we're right against a tinted glass wall. He asked me if I was cold, then gave me his zipper hoodie. It smelled like cigarettes more than anything else. Ratty and well loved, though. So to 15 year old me, wearing it felt special.

Then he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I'm a 15 year old girl, being asked to be the girlfriend of my personal idol. A dream come true for a lot of lonely, young teens. I said yes, not understanding what that meant for him.

And then he pulled me close to him and kissed my head. He called me pretty again. Laying on him felt like I was laying across the stairs because he was so thin and boney, but I didn't care. This is my first boyfriend, who is also my hero. To me, this was the best moment of my life to date. The happiest I could've been.

We cuddled that way for a while. I can't remember if we spoke much or just relaxed quietly. We're starting to get where my memories are fuzzy. He got a message on his phone, and then asked me if I was tired. He said he'd take me back to the room. I thought it'd be mine, but it was his. He said he just wanted to grab his cigarettes to smoke after taking me back. We happened to be on the same floor, it was on the way. (I don't know or remember if either of that's true.)

Then he sat me on his bed and got out his camera. He wants to document his trip. He asked me to introduce myself, asked me how old I was. This was the first time he asked. He was surprised, but cheery with me still. Nothing changed. He kept asking me some questions and called me pretty again. He put down the camera and sat with me next to the bed.

I don't remember a lot of what happened between here and coming back to my own room. I remember him kissing me. I remember him touching me and my clothes. I remember when he took off his clothes, he had those really goofy looking old man one piece thermal pajamas on under his clothes and he looked ridiculous. I didn't laugh, though.

When everything happened, all I did was stare at the ceiling. I don't think I moved, had any thoughts in my head, or made a sound. I felt catatonic. He didn't seem to care. I don't want to go into details about it, for me and for whoever reads this. I don't remember any of it except when he tossed a box of tissues at me on his way to the bathroom to clean up the mess he left behind on me.

This was the night before my 16th birthday.

Went back to my room. My friend was worried sick and was about to go to my dads joined room and tell him to look for me. When we were finally going to sleep, we faced each other in bed and I said it.

"He had sex with me." I don't remember the conversation after that.

I didn't feel right anymore. Something was different in me but I couldn't place it. Kyouka would hunt me down and want me to sit with him. It was always so weird since we couldn't communicate well. At one point there were a few other fans around us but they didn't speak Japanese either. So we were all just sitting in the lobby around this guy. Quietly. It was making me feel awkward as hell and I really wanted to get out of there. Luckily someone dragged Kyouka away again and I didn't have to keep enduring that awkwardness.

He came to my room again after my birthday party. He didn't expect a birthday, so he gave me one of his rings as a present. It only fits my thumb. His hands are a lot bigger than mine. I still have his ring.

I think he got the camera out to talk to me through it again this time. I remember him commenting on how cute my birthday outfit was. I had my favorite pink jacket and my side hair curled. He asked me if something was wrong. I didn't know. I couldn't understand why being around him felt so uncomfortable. Why I was so tense and couldn't think around him anymore.

It happened again, he kissed me goodbye, and this time I walked to my room alone. It's all a blank. I didn't feel good. I was hurting and couldn't sleep. I think someone told my dad that an older guy kept running me around the hotel, because we checked out and moved to a different one for the remainder of the vacation. My dad set much stricter rules on me and my friend for the last day of the convention, too.

He still found me. He still dragged me off. We were almost in his room when my friend found us. She told me my dads looking for me and really mad about something. I had to go. Kyouka kissed me again and said goodbye and I ran off with my friend.

That was our last in person interaction.

We emailed for about a month after the convention. Eventually I told him I was pregnant. I wanted to see how he'd react. He told me to abort it, so I told him I took the abortion pill. Then he told me he was changing his phone and we wouldn't be able to talk anymore. I couldn't understand why that meant we couldn't talk. He'd still have my email, just write it down. And then he stopped responding and we never spoke again. He still posted all of our pictures, but he never posted the videos. I've never seen them.

I've tried to talk about this a few times over the years. I was mocked off the internet or flat out ignored every time. Eventually I gave up. I'm in my late 30s now but I'm seeing that Kyouka hasn't seemed to change and he's still regularly interacting with young fans, and he still regularly has young fans to talk to.

I spoke to one recently, one he was creepy with on snapchat. Not my story to share, but it made me realize that clearly this POS is still into little girls. It's been eating at me.

I might get ignored again. Oh well. I don't want to stop trying yet. In the era of the older visual kei bands having reunions and nostalgia bait content, I don't want to keep being silent because I'm afraid of being bullied again.

Oh and by the way, fans: Your boy was too cheap to buy luggage so he just wore all of his weekend clothes on top of each other during the plane trips. He's a fucking loser who's failed upwards and been carried by more talented people around him. I even have an email from one of his staff telling me that.

These men go after children and teens because no woman with life experience can tolerate them.