An Update About How Life is Going for Ariana (Including Dating) - June 13, 2018

This long post is a general update with many pictures spread throughout, because it has been too long since I did a proper write-up. I have not been streaming or writing longer blog posts much lately because I have been actively dating. By actively dating, I mean for nearly every free night I have lately, I have been scheduling a date.

It has been going very well. Both dating apps that I chose to install have served me well I think. Is there someone special yet? Not specifically, but there have been a couple of people that I have now seen more than once and others with whom I am planning a follow-up date. While I am certainly playing the field, I am not sleeping around or anything like that. I am the type of person that needs to feel connected to someone before I jump into that. So, if you are looking for details to that effect, there are none… yet.

I always disclose the fact that I am transgender within the initial several instant messages and most certainly before I meet someone for drinks or coffee. I am not interested in wasting my time or their time if they for some reason can’t see themselves with someone who has transitioned. There have been a few people that immediately disappeared and unmatched with me after I let them know I transitioned. It is important to just expect this and chalk it up to unfair stigma. That person is not necessarily even a bad person for doing it, they possibly just are dealing with a fear similar to the one that used to prevent me from transitioning when I was much more weak in my personal confidence and my outlook on life. I actually smile at times picturing a little person shaped hole in the virtual wall that is my dating app. They sometimes get out of there really fast!

Too bad for them! I know this is not the approach some transgender women take, but this is right for me. Being post-op, I could probably “get away” with not disclosing, but honestly I look at it as a good filtering mechanism. If someone is too wrapped up in what others may think, or they have their own “deeply held beliefs” a.k.a twisted ideas about transgender people, then buh-bye! Also, I am an OUT transgender woman. With my website, twitch channel, and social media activities doing my best to support others like me, there is no way I am going to go into hiding for someone.

Have there been some surprising moments and even some tender moments? Yes. I am very happy to say yes.

I am being treated well by those I have met in person. I would even go so far as to say that I have had one “perfect” first date experience. It was.. just amazing. Sadly, things are not moving along with that person like I had hoped. At least, not yet.

That is okay though. I have now repeatedly proven to myself that I can do this. There have been dates where I would even say I was the much more confident party in attendance and that just blows my mind ;) I know this sounds like I am bragging, but my blog has always been about the highs and lows of my transition and my friends this is most definitely a high point!

In addition to dating, I have had my first bikini wax and subsequently worn some fun one-piece swimsuits to different pool parties. I no longer feel the need to wear one of those one piece/short or skirt combo swimsuits. I am looking to buy a good two-piece bikini, but I have yet to find the right one.

Does this all mean everything is wonderful all the time for me? Of course it does not. I am still to this day tracking down and dealing with making sure transition related bills get covered properly by my insurance and that the remainder gets paid out of my exploded budget. Financially, I have a killer job, but because of what has transpired the last few years I live like I just got out of school and have a mountain of student debt.

Also, I deal with the same horrible media representation of transgender people that we all do. I am regularly attacked by people online that hate me simply for being who I am. I have family members and former friends that don’t speak to me (though thankfully I also have a ton of both family and friends that are supportive and loving). There are days when it all gets to me and I just have to cry it all out.

(I know it is weird to have a selfie of me crying, but I actually do this to help track when I feel this way) Once I do have a good cry and release all of that negativity, I pick myself up and I attack my life as best I can. I prefer to head off any crying spells with a good bike ride/workout, but sometimes they still happen. You know what, that’s okay, it’s healthy to cry away stress from time to time.

Today, I was able to get out there during my lunch hour and beat my personal best on one segment of a trail that I ride.

This is a hard life. There are times when I look back on the past few years and I am just in awe that I have made it through all of that. If I can do it, believe me anyone can. Learn how to take care of yourself, your body, your heart, and your soul. Amazing things start to happen when you love yourself and believe you can constantly learn to do better in all things. When negativity strikes, do not let your thoughts trap you in the moment and in present circumstances. Instead, focus on the things you know you can improve and work on them. There is always something! You know how I mentioned feeling like I was just out of college and dealing with a mountain of debt? Well, thankfully I also feel like I am actually that age (despite the fact that I am about to turn 44). I am in the best shape of my life since my high school days when I played soccer. It has everything to do with actually being free to be myself and attempting to live my life to its fullest. The only fountain of youth I know about is all about just being you and living your best life. 

Be strong!

You got this!! Happy Pride Month!

Haven’t posted in a while. Wasn’t happy with how my content was being spread but you know what, it’s gonna happen. Anyways, here’s a throwback Thursday for you all! Long Beach pride and club shine a few weeks ago 😊

Okay, two weeks on HRT. So how does it feel, well I haven’t felt any physical changes, that takes longer. But my mind is definitely clearer, all those weird thoughts and stress is more or less gone. It means that I now can think clearly about some things that I have been going back and forth on. I was thinking a lot about playing volleyball with the girls team, but all this free time because of the Corona crisis and this new found clarity, means that I now know that it is not going to happen. If I played an individual sport, then it would only affect me, but I simply can’t justify letting the other girls experience the kind of hate that we have to experience daily. I know that it would it time end up with them hating me for being so selfish and putting my own interests ahead of theirs. I am after all 35 by the time I would be allowed to play, I would be almost 37. I have had many good years playing volleyball, but the driving force for me has always been playing games, and now I have to realize that I will never get to do that again. So I have decided to take the last year as a coach and then quit completely. I simply can’t find the motivation to train for it without playing games.