TrystanSays

Just by typing out the title, I can almost feel the tension of the tumblrverse ratcheting up. This is something I’ve thought on for quite a while and I think perhaps there is something to it. First of all, I want to say that submission is NOT one size fits all. What works for one person will most likely never work for another in exactly the same context, and in no way am I saying that all submissives have the same yearnings and/or experiences that I have/do. I kept thinking though that maybe, just maybe, there are others out there that have felt this way, and if I can help anyone else, I always aim to do so.

Now, with that out of the way, let’s begin.

I have a memory from my childhood when I was about eight or so where I was staying over at a friend’s house and she was snuggling with her father on his lap while we all watched a movie. I remember observing them and having a deep sadness and craving inside of wanting the same. You see, my own father left my mom when she was pregnant, so most of my growing up, it was just she and I. My mother is an amazing woman, but of course there were certain empty spaces within me that she couldn’t fill. Namely the Daddy void.

Growing up and into adulthood I struggled with trusting men. I just couldn’t seem to believe they had my best interests at heart, because my own father taught me over and over a lesson of selfishness. As a child, I’m afraid that became my belief of all men, or at least my fear that I guarded fiercely against. I was scared of, or at the very least, uncomfortable with most men in general. Whether they were requiring my trust or not.

Regardless, I still craved that reassuring, strong, protecting affection that only a father can provide. During the teen and early adult years, this created a whole cry for attention that landed me in many positions I had no business being in, or that were harmful simply because I so desired male approval and affection. Imagine a starving girl and you get the idea. I’d bend over backward and do almost anything to please the male persuasion, and in so doing… I lost a lot of myself.

Fast forward to me realizing that I am submissive. Guess what, that deep craving remained. I’d learned a lot of things about how a man should win and earn my trust, but within my own safe relationships, I had this desperate need to feel small, tucked up, and safe. I’d never really had that in my life. Therefore, I became a lover of this quote…

“And she bloomed in His hands.” -Anais Nin

A part of earning my submission is a man willing to build for me a fortress within our own little world where he is a strong, powerful authority figure that gives me those tender moments of Daddy love. Don’t get me wrong, sex is amazing and I’m an enthusiastic participant, but I have to have the soul bearing sweet along with my sexy.

He makes me brave and pushes me to be my best, because he knows that I need His guidance, structure, and support to get there. When I am able to trust Him, I become soft and open. I become unafraid.

For the longest time I chewed over writing this out, because I thought that people would judge me or think I’m weird that there are areas in my heart that have to be filled by my romantic relationships that never were by my father. But here’s the thing, we are ALL shaped as adults by our childhoods. Our wants, needs, desires, and behaviors are a product of what we have and have not experienced.

So many girls and women I know that were brought up without a dad in the home struggle with these things. So, So many. This has made me quite the advocate for children that come from single parent homes. Look, I understand that the world is not perfect. Situations occur, and we do our very best within their parameters. There are TONS of fantastic, loving single parents who amaze me with their strength and perseverance and raise wonderful, kind people.

Just know that for anything your heart cries for is something to never ignore or hide. Guaranteed there will be the answering counter point out there for you.

I was scrolling back through my archives and I came across an ask from another blog where someone was inquiring about signs that a man was not a Dominant, but simply domineering. I think it’s a really important, and very interesting question, and so I thought I’d like to take a stab at answering. There are a lot of posts out there about how to spot a real Dominant, but so long as there are subs out there struggling to tell the difference I think there can’t be too many.

To be domineering is to assert your will over another person in an aggressive or arrogant way. To be a Dominant is to be a caregiver. Someone who thrives on leading by gaining the trust and devotion of someone who wishes to follow. It sounds simple to tell them apart on paper, but reality isn’t always that black and white, and some people talk a really good game, so how can you tell the difference?

A domineering man will only make his rules all about his pleasure. They may read as a list of fetishes. He’s concerned about how often you shave your cunt, but not how often you see the doctor. A Dominant man will make rules for his pleasure, and your betterment. He cares about which panties you wear, but also how much sleep you get each night. He encourages you to have goals and helps you accomplish them through his rules.

A domineering man will not go out of his way to let you know that you are loved and cherished. His praise comes in the form of “you’re so hot when you do that”, and  “I love when you gag on me”. A Dominant man will make sure you know he respects you as a person and supports your accomplishments. “I’m so proud of you for interviewing for the promotion at work”, and “I appreciate that you tried, I know that was hard for you”.

A domineering man will not want to explain his decisions, or discuss his reasoning. He may become angry when you question him, and tell you that it’s not your place. A Dominant man is open to meta-talks. He will not allow you to question every tiny decision, but it’s important to him to address your concerns. He’s not afraid to share his thinking because he has your best interest at heart.

A domineering man doesn’t show interest in making decision that don’t affect him. He’ll choose your panties, but doesn’t really care when you ask him what you should do about that friend who is feeling neglected.  A Dominant man wants to help calm your mind, and is happy to help you make even mundane decisions. He has no problem choosing where to eat tonight, or telling you if you should accept the invite to that party.

A domineering man will be concentrated on making you the ‘perfect sub’. He may be overly concerned with your ability to deep throat and unreasonably strict with your diet and exercise program. A Dominant man accept and loves the person you are, and wants to help you meet your goals. He helps you with your diet because he wants for you to be healthy, not skinny, or because YOU expressed a desire for change.

A domineering man will limit your contact with others, especially others in the BDSM community. He’s scared you’ll find out that there’s more out there than what he’s offering. He’s jealous, and resents the time you spend with friends and family. A Dominant man know he can not be your everything and encourages you to learn. He recognizes the value of other relationship and only limits them when there are red flags, or past problems. He encourages you to learn and grow in your understanding of D/s relationships.

A domineering man demands. He raises his voice, doesn’t say please, and doesn’t thank you for the things you do. A Dominant man leads by making you want to follow. He knows that trust is earned and isn’t put off by the effort.

A domineering man gives his time only when it is convenient for him to do so. Domineering man isn’t concerned with calming you before a medical procedure or exam. He cancels plans with you when something better to do comes up. A Dominant man makes you a priority. He sets aside his plans to care for you when you are in need. That doesn’t mean he drops everything because you want company, but when you’re genuinely having a hard time you don’t have to question if he’ll be there for you.