Wait, For Now.

I didn't get to be a zoo keeper, so I started pet sitting. Then I had to give that up to get a "real job". It hasn't even been a year since my position changed and now it's changing again.

It's a good change AND i honestly don't want anything to do with it. I'm tired.

This year. fuck this year. I just want to coast. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently.

It's a theme.

My sister was a terror and put my parents through hell during her teenage/early adult years. So i had to be the "easy" one. The one who didn't cause problems.

Even in treatment, I tried to be the "perfect patient". The quiet one, easy to get along with. At a cost to myself.

I know change is normal. But it happens a lot to me. Instability.

She had an intern in the room and she asked me if I had any health concerns. I kind of mumbled out that I think I might have an eating disorder. She left the room and came back with a weight chart. She showed me that I fell in the normal weight range for my height/age.

That's it. She didn't ask me what I was eating, any follow up mental health questions...

But legit. I'm in a terrible spot. This year+ has been the worst. My husband's: mental health, addiction, double knee replacement. It just too much. I'm so very burnt out.

I'm sleeping so much during the day and it's hard for me to sleep at night. My Husband is trying to lose weight so I feel extra disgusted with myself and have started restricted again. He doesn't even notice.

His addiction has us in $30,000+ of debt. I've been so supportive of him trying to recover and so so patient. But I'm tired. And scared. We live paycheck to paycheck. His mom even still supplements our income.

My parents have no idea because he asked me not to tell them. So i'm just alone. I'm so exhausted and I've been barely hanging on.

Then, this week. I was told my job position is being cut. They are offering me a new position but described the position as "intense" and a "huge learning curve". Like? I can't. I just need some coasting. But it comes with a raise and I don't really have any options.

I commute with my mother in law who I also work with. She's been talking about the new position nonstop and just stressing how huge and difficult this will be. Like this morning's commute was 45 min of her talking about it and I legit was feeling passively suicidal.

I've haven't seen my therapist in almost a month due to conflicting schedules. I'm been calling out of work (work from home instead) cause I can't stand to be here. But people are starting to notice.

All the house still falls on me. All the cleaning, the dog. And like yes I know my husband has limited mobility but like. it's too much.

I’m depressed. I feel unseen, unheard. All I want to do is lose weight. All I do is sleep. I’ve been really flaky with going in to work. Which I feel bad about but it’s just sometimes too much. I’m afraid of getting in trouble.

We’re thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. My husband is addicted to kratom and has probably spent close to $40,000 on it. I try to help, it doesn’t work. I try to leave him be, it doesn’t work. I’ve been so patient. I just don’t know what to do.