I’ve been able to remember my dreams, right down to the little details. I go through times of waking up and not recalling anything but as of recently, whilst my mind has been active, I’ve been waking up and remembering them. Some morning I don’t want to get up because I just want to go back to my dream worlds; where I am happy and content. I now view sleeping as an escape from my reality. My mind is running wild and my emotions have become lost along the way. When I am asleep is the only time I am content. To some extent I can control what happens in my dreams and I have ones that reoccur, it’s like I’m being put into this repetitive cycle until I figure out what I need to do.

Deep down I know the truth I’m hiding from myself. I don’t even know what to do anymore, I can’t even bare to speak to Rosie, instead I tell harry (my ex)-yes I know this is fucked up- how I’m feeling. It’s easier to talk to him, he understands and I know he isn’t going to get upset like Rosie would. She is so emotional. I just don’t want to upset her but I’m finding that I’m hiding so much of myself from her. I’m not okay, not at all. I feel like hurting myself all the time and it’s getting to the point where talking myself out of it is wearing off. I’m done. Some days I want to die, other days not so much. This isn’t how I want to live but this is me. I know I should probably get help but I’ve put it off for years and quite frankly I don’t want to be on medication. I’ve put on a bit of weight again and my confidence is less than none. I can’t bare the way I look. I hate it. I just wish I was happy in myself.

This's beautiful creature is Rosie. She has been making my life meaningful and I'm happy to call her mine. But as much as I love her, I can't help but hurt her in ways I can't control. She deserves so much more than I can ever give her. She needs the constant attention and reassurance but it's hard to keep her happy when I feel suicidal. My mental state is depleting. My self image is ruined. The little confidence I had is now gone. The only thing left is a broken girl who has nothing going for her, no friends, no life, nothing. The way I am right now, I can't even take care of myself, let alone give my girlfriend the love she needs and deserves. It's killing me knowing that I am the one ruining this relationships, the way I have ruined all the others.