Void if Removed

HERE WITH ME // Molly Mendoza

Sumi ink, gouache, gel pen on 7x10” Arches

Ever since I started taking the medicine, I no longer rely on my pen to keep me busy and distracted; my head is too quiet, and yet I feel completely numb, hollow within. And the thing about me is that I am emotionally attached to drawing; it is how I express my thoughts and feelings, something to keep me busy from my problems in the world.

Drawing has developed into nothing but a coping mechanism for me. I find pressure in doing so as if my life depends on it, or maybe the next hour or day, fearing succumbing to the idea of death.

Nowadays, even when I come back from a better headspace, I struggle to draw. I can't seem to get my ideas right, nor finish a piece properly. The spark is different and dim, but I hope it will shine for me soon.

Maybe it's not the medicine, maybe this is part of growth, maybe a part of healing?